S1:E49 – Spa Day

Theater of the Mind productions are not suitable for all audiences. We say bad words while doing bad things to bad people. We lie, we cheat, and we do all the other things that a proper group of heroes do while trying to save the world. Listener discretion is advised. Welcome to Theater of the Mind presents Retribution, episode 49. My name is Mike. I'm your dungeon master. And our question this week from the ultimate RPG campfire card deck by James d' Amato is, in your family, who was the odd one out? What was your relationship with them? And if it was you, who in your family was closest to you?

My name's Amanda and I am playing Mel Kelly. Mel has not really realized this, but she was, in fact the black sheep in her family. Her half sister was smarter and, I don't know, more personable. She just. Mel was sort of the one that just got passed off from parent to parent, and then she learned how to use them against each other, and that was kind of how she got I. She wasn't particularly close with anyone in her family. Maybe kind of her mom when they spent summers together, but that may have also just been because her mom was the only one around when they spent summers together. She doesn't know. She hasn't thought about this. I think It'll be another 10 years before she starts contemplating this.

I'm Jeremy. I play Elliot. Randy Bain. And the black sheep in Elliot's family was his sister, Virginia. She was a super quiet, very, very gentle soul, which made her the black sheep of the family. And probably Elliot was probably her best friend because he didn't understand her, but he was very protective of her because she would spend time rescuing small animals that she found out in the. In the Kansas fields and talking to trees and whispered almost all the time that she spoke. And Elliot did not understand her, not even a little bit. But he loved her very much and was extraordinarily protective of her growing up.

To answer said question, who was the black sheep in family?

And I am Brunel.

Yes, I'm getting there. Don't rush me, all right? I am Brunel. I'm playing Olnok Vaga Johnson. And the black sheep of the Johnson family wasn't really the black sheep of the Johnson family until she was married into the Johnson family. And that would be on ax. Mother. She's an odd one. She's an odd duck. Great. Love her death because obviously she's my mom. But she's weird. She's weird. She's awkward. Really intense. So, I mean, surprised that all not Got along with her. Well, yeah. My mom was a badass. And like we've mentioned before, she was hot. I just want to reiterate that for everybody to make everyone slightly uncomfortable.

Olnock, you've got some mama issues.

I do. I do.

Freud would have a field day with Olknock.

You don't.

You don't end up like Olnock without having some parental issues. That's true.

It's true.

Yeah. But that's weird.

My dad was a giant nerd. I liked him, but, like, my mom was just the kind of weird that really kind of olnock vibed with.

Hello, I'm Downs, and I play James o'. Brien. And surprised to know when James is also the black sheep of his family.

What?

I know, it's crazy. The family of all business people, and he's the only cook that steals shit on a daily. And the not necessarily family, they're not blood related, but would be his nanny.

Hmm. Okay.

That really connected with him.

What was your nanny's name?

I don't remember. Oh, man.

That would have been a good time.

To just name it. Wow. Real close.

So close with my nanny.

I don't remember her name, but James does.

James does.

Yeah.

It was very important to James, not Downs.

Downs couldn't care less about what his character's thinking. I'm Casey. I play Emory Lee. And Emory is also kind of the black sheep or her family. You guys have met her family, and it's not. She's not that different from them, but, I mean, it's pretty still.

Yeah, we met your family.

Yeah. The closest person that she was that the.

Sorry, words.

We got it.

Brain rebooting. The person closest to Emery while she was growing up was her younger sister. Even when she started to kind of have a falling out with her parents, she and her sister still stayed in contact for a while, but it just kind of got uncomfortable hearing about home and her parents when she was not really talking to them for a while. So she kind of ended up cutting her sister off for a little bit too. She's actually, I think, probably really enjoying having that contact back again, even though, as we continue to head east and things get scarier and scarier, she might stop calling every so often, as often as she currently is, just in case.

Very fair. Moritar. His little brother was the black sheep of the family.

We're sure it was his little brother.

Yeah.

And not him?

Correct. Okay. All right. Whatever.

I mean, immortal is infallible.

Little brother joined the clergy. I thought that, like, things like peace and empathy okay. Were important life skills. And a Moritar just really, really doesn't get that. Yeah. And let's go ahead and roll for recap. Catch these folks up.

I already spun mine, so I have a number.

Did you roll?

Oh, I got my thing going.

Off your roll now?

Yeah, my roll. I rolled. And 11. Closest to 11 tells 12.

I got a 2.

One more time.

I had an 8.

I had a 9.

8, 9, 12. 12, 12.

Roll off.

Roll off. Roll.

Bro. I didn't remember shit. I was so tired.

15.

10 takes it. Okay, 10 is closer to 11 than 15 is.

Welcome to math class.

So last episode after escaping the corn maze and picking up Granny May. Yep, Granny May. Yes.

Who I was not checking out by the way.

Oh, he was totally checking out. And not only was he checking out, but Granny May noticed and I think she kind of likes him. No. So after making it to the house in the center of the corn maze and finding Granny Mae, she went off with us as we were heading to Carson, Iowa.

Yep.

Oh, it was Iowa. Carson, Iowa. And mostly travel. Figuring out ways to make our travel better. And when we finally did get to Carson, a city that supposedly still has all their electricity and everything, we camped out the night prior. The lights are exceedingly bright and giving Emery the queasy magics. Mel has still not successfully caught a snipe in spite of her best efforts.

You'll get one. You'll find one.

We'll get it.

And somebody I believe from Carson had been watching us the night before. Four before running off. And the three least capable of making decisions. People made decisions. And I believe we find ourselves the next morning.

It happens every time.

It does.

That's where everything we were.

We did approach the town and a well dressed man with a Colonel Sanders goatee came out of the gate to greet us. And that's where we left off.

That was the bit that I didn't finish cuz I arrived at my pit stop.

And on that note, we're going to pick up right there.

I forgot about him.

Oh yeah. And I, I, I think I used like a bandana or something like that around my ears. I still look slightly green. I still look like I'm about to vomit. But my ears are not as pointy.

So the thing that made Carson distinct just to help repaint the picture is it had like frontier fort style lumber walls, basically sharpened tree trunks surrounding the city. Fairly large gate at the front.

It looks like Jamestown with electricity.

Yeah, with a little outpost. Over the top of the gate you do see a couple of Pretty burly dance up at the top, watching, armed with rifles. And the main front gate opened as you approached and out stepped a very well dressed Colonel Sanders looking guy. We said, why, hello there. Welcome to Carson. My name is Leroy Mortarouge. To what do we owe the pleasure?

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

We are. We're traveling from out west and there was a messenger that came through and said Carson still had power and was open to people, so.

And we're escorting Edna May here safely.

Push. Push.

Well, how mighty chivalrous of you folks to help this fine young lady on into our town. You say one of our horsemen found you?

Yep.

Well, yeah, that's what she said.

Found that.

Found that in May. I see. Well, welcome. If one of our horsemen decided you were of a caliber to join our city, I trust in his judgment. Please. You've actually come at a most auspicious occasion for you see, tomorrow is our naming day. My man here, Bonaventure Johnson, will gladly give y' all the tour of our most humble abode. And then you absolutely must join me this evening for supper. Mrs. Mortar Rouge loves entertaining guests and will be absolutely overcome with excitement to hear that there are fresh mouths to feed. Johnson here is something of the local constable, but he is also my right hand man.

His name again?

Johnson Bonaventure.

Or Johnson, that is.

Us Americans would say J, E, A, N, S, O, N, N, E. Johnson.

Very French. Johnson.

That was a lot of letters. One more time. How did you spell that?

I gotta see that.

Oh, don't look at the way I wrote it.

He's like, that's not right.

Okay. I just write it phonetically.

I'm gonna go ahead and close my discord as it is sending me notifications.

Yeah, sorry, that's us.

Yep.

No, I was hearing that. Like something's going on.

The feller, Bonaventure Johnson, who has joined him out the gate, very large bearded man Looking early 40s. Okay. Johnson here is something of the local constable, but he is also my right hand man. Johnson, see to it that they see Mr. Bruce Smith on my dime. He turns back to you and says, welcome again to Carson. I look forward to dining with you this evening.

Quick question. If we go through your cute little gates, can we go back the other way if we so desire?

Well, you're our guest, not our prisoner, my dear.

I'll hold you to that.

What state are we in?

We don't denial.

Iowa.

We don't much allow folks to leave at night for security of our encampment here, but during the Day the gates are free to pass through. We do as you see. Have gentlemen up above making sure that only folks of the highest caliber are able to come in.

But what does that mean?

Well, folks like yourselves, I will see you at dinner tonight. Please enjoy a fine, fair little hamlet. Nate turns on his heel and briskly makes his exit.

I would like to point out that for the first time in my life, I can play Mal, as suspicious as I am as a human, because I rolled a Nat20 on my inside, which is a 19, but still.

Still counts. So Bone Adventure steps forward.

Sorry.

All right, folks. Well, I guess I'm your tour guide today. Please follow me on in.

Mr. Johnson, what is naming day celebrating?

Well, the fine renaming of our little hamlet here. Ah.

What did it used to be named?

Carson. Tomorrow we picks a new name. We have to call it something until then. Oh, so Carson's the name of the old days.

Oh, what are you gonna call it now?

We don't know yet. We haven't had our naming day ceremony.

Well, I just thought there would be rumors or something or, you know, chatter.

Everybody puts in a suggestion and y' all vote. Is that how this is gonna happen?

Mr. Moul has got a process he's been keeping under half a year. He assures us it will be a most exciting proposition.

I was gonna say that's how you get names like McFuzzy Pants. You can't do that.

Yes, we can. Change our names. Is that what we're doing?

Parachute? Colorado had 11 names in its existence.

Exactly, Parachute.

I mean, that was. There's also the Town in no Name.

Yeah, it used to be Grand City before, but it's now Parachute.

I didn't realize that was a lie. It's neither grand nor a city.

Correct.

But it was along the river. Grand before it was the Colorado River Fair.

Fair. Okay. Grand Pit Stop.

No, that's where we live.

You.

Mr. Johnson, he mentioned having us stop by somewhere.

Yeah. Mr. Broussard, who is that? Is the little bit of haberdasher in our local barber. Haberdasher Taylor. Haberdasher.

Does he do hats?

He can do hats. Yes.

I'm sure, Elliot, I can.

Haircut.

I'm sure I'm getting pretty shaggy by now.

That sounds wonderful.

I will not say no to a trim.

And I feel fully confident if Mr. Martirouge would like you to visit. Mr. Broussard, we will also stop by the inn so that you can avail yourselves of the wash basins.

Have you got a. Have you got a farrier in town?

A what?

Farrier.

For the horseshoes.

For the horseshoes.

We've had this conversation about shoeing and.

Shotting and every time he says something about a farrier, I'm thinking about like itty bitty little fairies.

Oh, I thought you were thinking about a boat across the river.

That's what I kind of lean towards.

No, a farrier, horseshoer, blacksmith.

We absolutely do.

Excellent. These horses need their. We need new shoes. We've come quite a distance, so we would like to get the horses stabled and set up for shoes before we get to the end, please.

Fantastic. I think we'll have plenty of time to make all of these accommodations.

Excellent. Thank you.

But first, let's get you to the inn so you can avail yourselves of the wash basins.

I think he's politely trying to tell us that we stink.

Oh, I know we do, but we're also very muddy.

Still, what he doesn't know is that we tried to clean up last night.

I mean, if you think about it, we did survive a tornado and then kind of.

We didn't just. That was a while ago.

Remember we agreed if anyone asks for our laundry, we just give it to them.

Yeah. I want to drop the stuff off the end. And if you want to. I want to take. I'll take the horses down and get the horses taken care of and then I'll come back and I'll get. I'll take last in the wash tub.

Oh, yes. Please make sure that we're far away from that so we don't see the dangly that I did last time.

Yes.

You don't have to keep bringing it up, do you?

I see it in my mind every time I meditate.

It is a positive snapshot.

No wonder you're so bitter about meditating.

No, no, we need to. We need to take care of our horses first.

First?

Yep. Yes, horses first if there's a stable and then on to the end.

Absolutely. Please follow. Follow me.

Thank you.

He. He leads you into town. You come up to a pretty decent looking. It looks like a. Straight up in from like the wild West.

There's no clowns, right?

No, there's no clowns.

Okay, good.

There are no clowns. But it's got the. The false front looks to be a two story tall building. And it is named the Gray Fox Inn.

The Gray Fox Inn.

And the name matches the color scheme. It's got that. Not gray paint, but wood that has aged gray. Okay. It looks well taken care of, but this place has been around for a minute. And keeping with a vaguely Western vibe. It's even got the saloon flappy gate style doors, which I know have a name that I don't know what it is, but.

So what you're saying is if I wear my get up with my chaps and the hat and everything, I blend in?

No, you will not blend in. You will still look like a toasted marshmallow.

You're right, they did get burned. I forgot about that.

Also, you've taken them off because it's.

June and it's hot.

That would make sense too.

And it's humid.

I will suffer for fashion high of the mountains. God, words are hard. Guys, I'm struggling.

We're all struggling.

I mean, do we see other people in town? Is it like your bustling town with you know, hawkers and criers and chickens and women wearing pioneer dresses and things like that?

I wouldn't say it's a bustling town by any stretch, but it is, you know, you see other people. At its peak, Carson was a town of like 700 folks.

Whoa.

So I mean, this is like Olathe. You're downtown Olathe.

Yeah.

Are there still cop cars still parked behind stuff that are never gonna run again?

Well, permanently. So yes, the cup cars are still there. One of them parked right behind a billboard saying welcome to Carson.

And are people wearing normal clothes? Like regular modern clothes that we would expect from.

Oh, good. This isn't like Westworld or anything.

Well, that's why I was asking.

There is a couple of folks dressed nice, but like old nice.

Yeah, that's weird.

Like you see what was his name?

Where Leroy and Leroy.

Leroy was dressed as a very southern gentleman. Okay. Three piece suit, all that light canvas suit or not canvas. Linen suit. Canvas would be awful.

Linen, very heavy. Oh my God, that thing would stand up on its own. I wouldn't even need to start purchase.

Linen suit, bow tie, nice flat brim, straw hat. And Johnson, he's dressed not near as nice, but he's wearing a decent vest over a. Like right on that borderline between work shirt, dress shirt.

Like so, like works for the nicely dressed gentleman kind of vibe.

You can see he's got a badge too. So he's. And he's got a. He's got a gun on his hip.

With a big iron on his hip.

Oh, and it's a very old west style low slum gun belt. And we'll even say he's wearing champs and engineer style boots without the spurs. You do see a handful of folk dressed totally normal. Sneakers, jeans, T shirts, and they're interacting with some of the fancy folk and you don't see. You don't see anything crazy scary. Nobody's getting, you know, bagged over the head and snuck off into an alley or anything weird. You know, these are just folks going about town. Some are just real dressed.

There's no, like dust up at high noon, right?

Yeah. You don't hear this town ain't big enough for the two of us.

Are we are like as far as the people that you see walking around, demographically speaking, are we fairly varied or is it mostly like your. Your Midwest or your deep South?

Like, I guess I'm just trying to.

Figure out if there's any obvious, like what he determined makes you the right sort of folks and visual. These people.

Are there other green people like me?

There are no green people. Vast majority of the folks are Caucasian. Most of the folks you're seeing floating around town are, you know, 30s, 40s, up into their 50s.

Are there any kids?

There's a couple.

Do they want some?

No.

I guess you're going to have to ask.

Are you going to go hit up. Are you going to go hit. Hit up Granny May for it?

Inside joke.

No, you may be past that point.

Way past that point.

Won't know until you try.

I.

No.

No.

Granny May just kind of chuckles.

Oh gosh, she's still here. So glad she left.

I was just trying to like, like, are there kids? Are you. Are there any old people? Yeah, like.

Yeah, you're not. You don't see anything that immediately is like, this is weird.

Except we're just very untrustworthy people.

Except for the fact that there's buildings.

We are trustworthy.

Well, that part's awful.

Sorry. Yeah, wrong turn a phrase down.

We used that incorrectly all of last episode and listening to it again, I got so annoyed. What phrase? We were saying untrustworthy instead of untrusting.

Yes, you were brilliant. A fair bit. But that is the first thing that stands out as you're entering town. You know, the first handful of buildings are just kind of nondescript, vaguely businesses, you know, maybe office buildings, something along those lines. But as you get a little ways in, you pass. You had to pass by the barber shop and it's, you know, this is a very small town. They like their old schooly charm. It's got the striped pole out front and it is lit and twisting.

Weird.

What do you mean weird? I missed the barber poles.

No, no, no, no. Supposed.

Yeah.

The fact we came here because of.

The lights were on. Why would it surprise you that the barber poles.

Well, I thought they were just using.

Magic for the lights themselves, not just, like, all power works.

Maybe they got a generator up and running.

I don't hear a generator. Do I hear a generator running? I don't hear a generator running.

You don't hear the distinct diesel engine of a generator?

Yeah, I feel like I would have.

Hurt one by now, huh?

In fact, go to roll. Perception checks.

No, I'm bad at those. I'm bad at that.

Yep, I'm still bad at that. 12.

14.

Got an 8.

21.

I got something. Hold on.

I believe 16. 16.

I couldn't remember what I add.

And I add zero, as per our normal.

This side of the table, Team perception.

Meanwhile, this side table is Team Hall.

As you're walking past one of the buildings, we'll say one of the nondescript office buildings, somebody steps out, and at first you hear the very familiar the doorbell thingy. But you also notice you hear music.

Reveal thyself, tiny songstress.

I think that definitely country, gentle cliche, mid-2000s pop.

Country elevator country.

Man. It's just brief while the door opens and it hydraulically closes itself and the music fades out.

That absolutely stops Emory in her tracks, though, and she stops and she, like, just stares at the building for a second.

Mr. Johnson?

Oh, yes, ma'.

Am.

How. How are y' all doing this? Like, there's. There's music playing, and the little pole is spinning and the lights are on. The world stopped. You may have missed it, but it stopped.

Yes, ma'. Am. It did there for quite a while, and things got pretty hairy. But Mr. Mould of Rouge was able to crack that code.

Must have got real hairy. The electric trimmers didn't work that crack.

What do you mean by crack? That code?

Yeah, ma', am, I'm just a constable. The electrics was always above my pay grade.

Okay. Hey, Jacob. Come closer.

Oh, yeah.

We need a Jacob analog.

He's still.

Oh, it's not Jacob anymore.

It's not Jacob. I'm used to Jacob's headstone being back there.

Jacob is dressed for the nines.

Apparently, Jacob is riding a horse and.

Not a broom today.

Good. Okay.

Fair.

So you make your way up to the Gray fox Inn, and Mr. Johnson holds the door open for you folks so you can filter in inside.

You see?

I mean, think of any Western saloon style. This is what it is. You got a bar off on the left. Instead of a man behind the counter, there is a. There's a lady dressed quite nice.

Progressive.

No, it's state Farm ball gowns.

Not a ball gown, but you know, nice dress behind there.

Well, okay, like what kind of. I'm trying to figure out if they're gonna try to like. Like shove us in pioneer corsets or something and make us.

It ain't milk cows. I mean, it's not. It gives you southern vibes, but it doesn't have like the. The big ass froofy skirt.

It's. Acrenoline is the word you're looking for.

Yeah, it don't have that.

Obviously he knew that word, cuz that's common knowledge everywhere.

I thought it was, but I learn every day it is not.

It looks dated for sure. And as with most bartenders, accoutrement. It is trying to make her look fairly appealing.

I was gonna say it's trying to get her better tips. Yes, gotcha.

Tip. Tip.

The other one too.

One leads to the other.

That's what I said. TIP.

Mr. Walks right up to her and says.

Why do declare, Mr. Ball. God.

Morning. Morning, Ms. Guadet. Got some folks here new to town. That's G U A D T I.

That's why I keep asking what state we're in.

Fair.

We got Iowa.

They've already said Iowa.

They've said Iowa.

I haven't. It doesn't feel like it.

I know, but I. Maybe they're immigrants.

Let it go.

From Louisiana.

Any who from specifically the French Quarter.

Yes.

That'S an immigration.

French people in a western town in the middle of Iowa.

They're very clearly southerners.

Okay, sorry. Maybe not Louisiana. South Carolina.

No, this is toy Louisiana. This is absolutely Louisiana.

The.

The word we had an issue with was immigration.

That's funny.

Not Louisiana.

Immigrants from a different state.

Perfectly believe that would be the word that Mel would.

I don't know what a better word you're not.

That's not wrong. It's just not the word we would traditionally.

I know some people use like transplant. Like. Like they're not a. Like a local Colorado transplant from somewhere else.

I resemble that statement.

They got dropped in via helicopter.

No, no, they get tran and just dropped in.

I. I have a different definition of transplant than you.

I work in agriculture.

Literal translation.

Clonamus.

We got some folks here from out of town. Was hoping to avail you of some rooms and perhaps a wash. It's all on Mr. Montague Montage. Montague is Romeo. Mr. Monterouge's account, Ms. Gwadette. Like. Oh, certainly we would be more than happy to get a room ready for you all. It'll be just a Couple minutes for the bath. But here's a couple of keys. Set you up with a handful of room keys, literal keys. And they got the number tag on. All the rooms are upstairs. Go ahead and make yourselves comfortable. In the meantime, if you want any food, just let us know. We can get some cooked up for you. We got. Got menus over here.

I will, absolutely. I'm gonna take a look at the menu and then go upstairs, I think.

Thank you, ma'. Am. I'm gonna get my gear dropped off and then I gotta run down to the farrier and stable the horses. I'll be back shortly.

Absolutely. And Mr. Johnson, this is a long list of French ass names.

I have no sympathy.

You did this to your.

Says. When you get back down here, I'll take you on down to the farrier.

Thank you. So Elliot's going to unload his gear and take it up to his room, drop it off, leaving as much dust at the doorway as he can. Stops.

Yeah, there's like an outline of Elliot just on the ground.

It's not an unimpressive pile.

I was going to say Elliot was one of the ones eaten by the mud nuts. Like he's leaving a heap of.

It's been days.

It's been days. Okay.

We still probably have some of that.

Dust, but no, we cleaned up yesterday or this morning. We cleaned up knowing that we're coming together.

There's still stuff like in our backpacks and things.

Well, sure, that's.

And they've definitely been politely implying that we need baths.

Oh, no, I need a bath bath. A warm bath with soap. I'm all for it.

They've definitely been implying that by the. No, you need to go to the inn for first, but we gotta get.

The horses taken care of. And then I'm more than happy to.

While Elliot runs upstairs, Emery has picked up one of the menus and is scanning through it to see what they've got.

Stop that.

Stop what?

I don't know. Sound like rolling thunder. I heard. I saw him hear it too.

Yeah, I couldn't tell what it was.

It's pretty typical. Just bar food. They got a burger, fries. Get a chicken fried steak. You do see that when they're getting to the vegetable section, a fair bit's been crossed out and replaced with corn.

What do we have? Carrots? Nope, we got corn. Sorry. Nope, we got corn.

Some of the lines where it says certain kinds of meat. Meat have been replaced with pork.

Yeah, pork, elk, deer.

Those pigs outnumber humans in Iowa.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's A terrifying thought.

So you get an actual hamburger.

Suddenly every.

Every restaurant, they raise a lot of cattle, too. They raise a lot of cattle. But the livestock outnumbers the people, though.

Yes.

But. Yeah, pretty typical fairy. She.

You know, Mel's reading over your shoulder and you hear the crunch of a kale chip.

Mel, I am looking at burgers and chicken fried steaks right now.

Yes. And I am eating vegetables.

Do you want a burger?

Don't tell me you're going vegetarian. We do not have the supply and logistics for you to go.

We don't have logistics.

The only vegetables they have listed on here is corn.

And you are not gonna eat how.

Tired I am of corn. We've been eating nothing but corn for, like a month.

It helps out Elliot quite a bit.

You know, I noticed there aren't any snipes on the menu, and you guys said they were everywhere.

They are. It's just not. You don't usually.

You can't raise them.

You don't raise them as livestock.

Well, but elks on the menu, you don't raise those as livestock.

But they're easier to spot.

You do.

There are elk ranches. There are elk ranches. A lot of times when you see elk on a menu, it's. It's phrased.

You're not. I could be wrong. I don't believe it's legal to sell wild game. No restaurant in the United States.

It is so unsafe.

Does that matter at this point? It's written in Sharpie.

All right. It doesn't matter.

I'm surprised it's written in Sharpie, if I'm being honest.

We still got one.

It's only about a couple of months.

It's the small things. You've got, you know, running water, sharpies.

Hot bath. All right, get out of my way. I'm gonna go get the horses dropped off. Do we need to role play that or I'm just gonna take them down?

Yeah, give him a little finish for.

Them to stable and then get them. Get them a shot.

Perfect. You meet a man named Eli Foster.

Eli Foster.

Oh, I like Eli.

He's got a regular last name. That's cool.

Is there any chance he's a regular ass dude?

Pushing.

He's pushing mid-50s. And while you're there, he has nothing but positive things to say about Mr. Mont.

Excellent. Okay, well, Mike says we're doing a lot of travel, so I give him the specifications because I know the horses quite well. I give him the specifications. That horse needs this size shoe. This one needs bar watch that One. He'll bite you, you know. I've given him all the things that he needs to know. I don't think we're in a big rush to head out of town, so a couple of days. You don't have to do them all today, but make sure they've got plenty of hay and water. And if you've got any grain, probably have some corn. They could use it. They've worked hard and. Mr. Foster, these horses are very deep here to me and my group, so.

Especially in these times. Absolutely understandable.

Yes, sir.

Get him taken right care of.

Thank you very much. And he'll give him a pretty good tip of what we have of our. I think I. I think we've got a few gold pieces, actually. Give him a gold piece.

He looks at that like, yeah, real gold.

Thank you very much, Eli. Appreciate it.

I always wanted to try this. Just bite it.

It hurts, but.

Yeah, I didn't prove nothing, but I did it.

No, see the dent where your tooth was? That shows that it's real gold. See the dent you made? You're making the dent.

I feel like that's the equivalent of like, hey, thanks for shoeing my horses. Here's $100 for no reason.

That's not enough to shoe a horse.

That's not enough to shoe seven horses.

While you're out and about, roll a perception for me.

Take an excessive amount of money, whatever that would be.

Yeah.

If you've done it, it's not an excessive. It's hard work. 12.

Okay.

Every tell your old perception.

Yeah, that's my passive. That's my passive.

That would explain it.

Mr. Johnson. Lead you back to the gray fox.

Okay, thank you.

In the meantime, you know, you guys are able to acquire some pretty fucking good food. Gas grilled, plenty of fat, plenty of carbs.

Chicken fried steak.

Oh, Brian doesn't have.

There were lettuce.

If you ordered the. If you ordered the burger, it's one of them just beefy, big ass with that description.

Olnock ordered the burger.

Comes on one of them nice potato buns.

Yeah.

I have to like double fist it and unhinge my jaw to take a bite of it.

Yeah, but they put so much mayo on the. The burger. Added the chicken fried steak to the sandwich.

It's a burger.

Chicken fried steak.

It's like a Scooby Doo meat sandwich. There you go.

And bacon, of course.

Obviously.

We used to do mushrooms. We're figuring out how to grow them local. Oh.

Make sure you grow the right ones.

We're growing mold real well, okay, so you got.

Well, you're almost there then.

Ew.

We haven't quite got mushrooms.

Sounds like you need a more sterile environment from someone who has grown mushrooms before.

But yeah, about the time Elliot makes it back, the first bath's ready. So you guys are taking care of that? Mr. Johnson does say you notice with. When you're out with Mr. Johnson, there is a wander Mac out on the main drag. And it does have people coming and going. I actually have that up and running.

The laundromat works like you put clothes into it, you add some quarters, you slam it a couple of times so it actually takes your quarters and then it works.

And Ms. Gwaudette says, well, we prefer you take care of our machines.

Oh, right, right, right.

They're in short supply these days. But it's a laundromat, guys.

We can actually clean our clothing properly.

Do we have any quarters? I'm glad you're excited.

I can tactically acquire a squirt.

Mel. Brits are out in the box.

If you get us kicked out of this town, James, I will personally make it my life's work to make you miserable.

So Melroots and pulls out this little bag of quarters, and she's like, this was my 50 state collection from elementary school. Now it's laundry money.

You've been carrying that around with you the whole time?

It was at the bottom of my bag. I kind of forgot I was there.

Only 50 quarters.

Yeah. Well, that ought to be enough for us to do laundry. We can mix loads.

I'm not.

Like I said, between all of us, it's probably like.

I'm just surprised I never saw it in there. Just not that I.

Anyway, what are you doing in my bag?

What was the question.

Anyway? Do we want to take this in shift so that whoever's taking a bath can have clean clothes when they get out?

Yes, that would be great.

That is a great idea.

Okay, I'll start with laundry because I need to make sure everything gets washed and cold so that you don't shrink by leggings.

So we tag team and alternate taking baths and doing laundry as the rest.

Of y' all go out towards the laundromat. Whoever's going to the laundromat to do laundry, go ahead and roll another round of perceptions.

I will do the laundry.

Yeah, I'm going straight for the bath.

I'm going to the bath for laundry list.

I feel like the whole time Mel's bickering with James about him rummaging through her bag. You're why my kale shifts keep going.

23, 17 plus 6.

I have a 19.

He's been throwing them away every time he goes in there.

Yeah, Belle's starting to figure that out. I knew I wasn't eating that many kale chips.

So, right on your way to the laundromat, we'll say you pass by kind of the town square, so to speak. Nice little well maintained park. Grass is getting a little long. You know, they're not mowing it, but it's still, it's nice. It's got plenty of natural flowers and foliage. A couple of old trees, just those huge shade trees, you know, A real nice place. And under the tree you see they've got one of them little city bulletin boards. And you walk close enough by, you kind of take a peek over and you see that they've got some job listings. Help wanted for, you know, it's a quest board. Yeah. And you also see a couple of. You see a couple wanted signs for, you know, Johnny the ruffian.

I'm not on there, am I? Okay, cool.

You see a couple of missing people missing Missing posters. Help find my people posters.

Okay.

Post it up on there.

I will investigate the people this way in case I happen to see them because I'm one of the eyes of the group.

You see that missing is a young miss Elliot, a young Ms. Gallagher, and a young miss Hurley. Hurley, like the surf shop.

Okay, man. Like Hurley Davidson.

Hur Hurley.

Gotcha. Do they have pictures or is it just names?

Just. This is handwritten.

Oh, okay.

They're not like rocking printer paper here.

Mel reads this and goes. Why are they all girls?

I don't know.

I don't like that. Just saying I don't like that.

Stay close to the group then.

Yeah, we are. I've got Jacob trailing around behind me, by the way. I will not let him out of my sight. And the whole time he was in the bath, I made him smell, sing random songs so he knew he was still in the bath.

What were their names again? Elliot, Hurley.

Gallagher. Thank you.

Yep. And the, the job postings are nothing too crazy, you know, need someone to help, you know.

The move. Yeah, pretty mundane, handyman kind of stuff.

You see 1 or 2. Under the missing persons, there are rewards, some reward money posted.

Okay.

Very much. Same thing under the wanted posters. There's. There's a monetary reward as well, just.

To get a gauge of like how much stuff costs around here. Like, what are the pricing looking like for the like the most mundane looking job that I Can find on there most mundane.

What you're seeing is like offer of foodstuffs.

Okay.

They don't seem to be running too much of a cash system on the high level. Obvious heart stuff. You do see bullion posted like three gold bullion or what have you for.

The difficult jobs for the people who are wanted. What are they wanted for?

Yeah, see, what did I say? Johnny Rascal or whatever.

I don't need names. I'm just wondering what crimes.

They're like pretty standard stuff. You do see theft, drunken and disorder with, but like, you know, intense. You go into the description and this dude got drunk as shit and was starting bar fights on a regular and got run out of town kind of stuff.

Keep that in mind, Mel. No getting drunk.

I would never get drunk and start a fight.

Intention I might. Oh, I know you're going.

I would get drunk or I would, but I would never get drunk and start a fight.

Yeah, she's not away of the drunken fist.

That's what I mean. I would get drunk or start a fight, but never both. That's how you end up with broken noses. Actually I end up with those anyway.

So, you know, it's like. Didn't you wind up with a broken nose already?

Yes, yes, A couple times. I think actually it's a good thing.

That I didn't have a wicked scar because of the flail.

Oh yeah. I've got that scarlet scar on my cheek now. I think that at this point it's both really cool, but Mala's also not been in a proper mirror, so she does not realize how bad it is.

Your hair looks fine.

You got a fairly consistent layer of just kind of dirt.

Yeah, I don't think she fully.

That's your new foundation.

Just how bad my scar is.

Your new foundation is literal foundation dust and concrete dust.

You know, I don't miss eyeliner though. God, that stuff is a bitch to put on every morning.

I'll take your word for it.

Just saying I don't miss that you.

Guys make your way into the laundromat. I mean this is every laundromat you've ever been in. They've got the weird shaped carts with the hanging rack overhead. Good sized washers, good sized dryers. There's a couple folks in there doing their. Doing their washing and yeah, they all. They all notice you come in. Cuz not a lot of new faces in a town this small. Literally everybody's known everybody their whole life, you know, so they, they take notice. But they seem. They seem nice enough.

I go in and like resist the urge to just hug a washing machine.

Mel goes in with the bags of laundry. She's like, oh, I used to call my mom every time I did laundry. You can't do that.

Do you still have your phone?

No, she threw it off a cliff.

That's right.

You're not even here.

Yeah, you're back with Ellie's taking a.

Bath, so I just tore it.

I thought I came with.

Did you?

I rolled a perception.

I rolled just terribly.

Oh.

Oh.

Olog.

I didn't know you were here.

God, for a large man, you're deceptively quiet.

How did you sneak up? Well, anyway, no Rebecca, I kinda zoned out my phone off a cliff. We don't talk about phones anymore. I just, I hope she's okay.

Yeah, don't talk about the F O.

N, E. That's not how even I know. That's not how you spell phone.

Well, I was just thinking if you still had it, that maybe it would work.

No, it's not going to work. And no, I'm in a place with.

All of the electricity where it's working. Maybe there's some sort of weird magicy crap going on where it'll work.

That phone SIM card was tied to it.

I got it.

Yeah, no, it had.

Evil was mad and he threw it at him or whatever.

Magics.

Yes, I remember now, but I was just, I was spitball. I was trying to.

It was evil. Airtag.

Didn't mean to fuck it up.

Anyway, I tend to be.

If that'll help.

Yeah. Everyone else in the Laundromats just staring at us.

Through this exchange, they started off trying to be polite and not make it obvious they're eavesdropping.

I know, they're just, they're all just staring. Everyone looks at him.

Hi, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go clean my stuff over here now. Bye.

We've been through a lot.

We're super awkward.

See, one young lady just kind of dazedly stared at. You're like, okay. Stares back at the washer.

I, I, you get over there.

Can I do an inside check? She good.

Miss, you're not supposed to watch the laundry go round and round. It's very disorienting.

That's a dirty 20. Does she know?

She fully believes that she's doing laundry.

Is she actually doing laundry?

There appears to be stuff working in the washer.

Hey, does anybody have any Spray and wash. Spray and what now? Spray and wash. You know, stuff to get stains out.

Oh, I gave up on those Years ago.

Yeah.

I show up like. Like pull up my aprons completely covered in stains.

Ew, that is unsanitary.

Just ugly.

Yep, it's clean.

They've been moist.

There's actually bits of blood on it now.

That was literally. I feel like Ulnock and Mel's clothes probably get their own separate load with a pre soak and a second rinse all in cold water to try to get the blood out.

You should.

I have so many different bottling fluids on my.

We're over here and I'm just like pushing all the extra buttons, trying to get them.

Doused them and spray.

How long you think we need to let this soak to get the entrails off of this spot right here?

Do I would actually kill the those off first.

I don't think those are going to come out.

They do have one of those slop sinks so you could.

Strap it.

And now everyone.

I feel like at this point Mel's looking at him like, I am so sorry. We are not civilized.

Oh, it's okay.

It's rough out there.

Can I.

Anybody else bothered by that weird nonchalant smile thing she just did? Staring at the nothing. That was creepy.

Can I test something? Do you guys want to test something?

Yeah, go for it.

Please.

Do I have permission to attempt to do a thing from me?

How did the three of us of all people end up going off a social run?

This was a bad call. We fucked up.

I know it was a social run anyway. I'm going to mage hand and just have the mage hand just like wait, wave in front of her face. Does she react to this at all?

She blinks like, stop it.

And I go like this. And then.

Mel. Mel decides to try a less offensive way of getting her attention.

Does she actually freak out in any way, shape or form?

She looks confused. What? Why?

I'm a poker forehand.

Boop.

James, stop it.

Mel decides to go with a much more. More acceptable form of trying to get someone's attention. And she sits down next to her and goes, so tell me all about yourself. Cause we'll be here a while.

That's the thing.

Works out.

Just run your freaking life into the next person's thing. Just sit right there and ask them all the questions.

Exactly.

I'm about a wet willy away from deciding that these people are completely out of it.

They're gone.

Mel's just ignoring him at this point.

Tell me, Nikki.

Tell me about yourself, Nikki. Were you born here? Did you live here forever? Did you move here? Are you all transplants or immigrants from Louisiana, and you somehow got trapped in Iowa when the world came to me.

How many spectral fingers do you see floating in front of your face?

And then Mel remembers she's supposed to let the other person answer.

So anyway, how many spectral fingers do you see floating in front of your face?

She can only ask so many questions at a time, but I've already asked her like 15. So.

Wait, I was born here.

Oh, that's the one you're gonna get. So you might want to rekindle that.

Don't go back. I was born here.

Are you high?

Where is here?

You sure?

Yes.

Where is here?

Carson for now.

Carson. Where?

Carson for now.

They're changing the name to.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the naming ceremony.

So, like, what do you guys do for fun here?

Wants to name the town something else tomorrow.

Did he say what he's gonna name it?

Not yet. That's what tomorrow's for.

So I was like, reading on the poster up front in the. In the park that there were some girls that went missing. Did you know them? What happened? How'd they go missing? Have they come back yet?

God, you're overloading.

One question at a time.

Yes, there's some girls went missing.

Is everyone else in this building the exact same way as the girl? Oh, no, no, just this chick.

Just Nikki.

Uh. Oh, so just found the one to.

See us surrounding this one poor lady with spectral hand pointing fingers at her.

I would like you to roll a perception.

Is she like, how old is she? Like 20s, teens?

20S. About your age.

Okay. Oh, good. So then Mel's, like, super excited to meet somebody else, right? She's trying to make friends.

16. Not my finest roll.

Nope, you do see, you know, there's a older lady, not old, older lady, kind of keeping to herself. And she's clocking you specifically.

And I notice her.

No, I'm just telling you this, okay?

Just, I just. I notice her. Sorry, I should have specified what I was mean.

Get some information.

Hi.

Welcome to D and D. Anyway, so I see this. No one else sees this. I'm going to walk up to that specific lady.

I'm going to keep yammering at. Nikki.

May I help you?

Is she okay?

Nikki? Yeah, she's been a little different last couple days, but.

So this isn't normal for her?

Well, I mean, no. God, we'd have to have her institutionalized if this was normal.

How many fingers is the spectral hand holding up? It's just a floating hand just going like this.

Stop moving it.

You're not from around here, are you?

How can you tell?

Still bouncing.

Bouncing.

The hands.

We don't. We don't do those things in polite company. In Karst.

Oh, I make it invisible. It's still technically there. It's invisible now.

Way to make friends.

I'd recommend you don't let Mr. Johnson see that.

Is there a problem with doing magics in front of Mr. Gray?

Oh, look at that. My laundry is done.

I'll take that as a yes.

Thank you.

And I turn around and just walk back to the group.

And meanwhile, Mel's still chattering at Nikki. And then. So anyway, so we went all the way across Kansas, and there was corn for days. And I mean literally days. I have eaten so much corn.

Probably. Is there any other kind of places?

Yes, there are some places where there isn't corn for days. And there are other vegetables. Ooh. Do you like kale chips? I still have some kale chips. I found him at a grocery store.

Physically, one thing.

There are some kale chips that might reset her.

Here, have a kale chip. And Belle offers hers a kale chip.

Well, thank you.

Eat it.

Eat it. It's crunchy. Eat it. Eat it.

Eat it while it's crunchy.

It is Iowa.

It's very humid here. It's just still crunchy for long.

The chip just starts sagging.

This tastes vaguely of long.

That's what we keep telling her.

Yes.

It's like grass clippings, isn't it?

Yeah. Why'd you come here?

To wash our clothes.

Me, too.

Yeah, that's usually what laundromats are for.

I thought it was to meet interesting people.

And they're spinning.

You should probably look at something else. You're gonna go across that there. Oh, God. You didn't.

Hello.

Her eyes are just doing this.

Did you. Did you meet any other strangers lately?

Strangers?

Like tall, dark, and emo, maybe?

Enough with the vampire.

What? She's acting weird. Weird? It could act like this.

You just acted clingy.

I don't remember strangers. I went to the doctor.

Which doctor?

Dr. McBraney. McStav.

Stab. Dr. Mortar. Okay.

Is that name familiar?

Why did you go to Dr. Mortar?

Sorry?

The ADH is strong with this one this evening.

It is.

Very familiar.

Yeah.

He's just the head of the town that we've met, like.

So he's a doctor, too, is he? What did you see him for? I mean, you don't have to go, like. I know that's, like, personal or everything.

That's a hippo violation, I think.

Well, not if she tells me.

What's a hippo violation? Violation?

It's.

It's an African law. It's okay.

Exactly. I had something I needed to see the doctor for and he made me know better.

She didn't have like.

See?

Oh, yeah, you're totally.

Do you guys still have coffee? You seem like someone who could use some coffee.

Or maybe. Yeah, I think they have some.

Or drug or whatever that is.

Yeah, like she doesn't have like a.

Hole in her head, does she?

Like sugar, cocaine, Any kind of stimulant? I feel like you need a stimulant.

Boy, that escalated so quickly. Coffee, sugar, cocaine.

Okay, that is bad.

Only bad people do drugs.

Sure.

Don't do drugs, kids.

That's true.

Only.

Only. Only the bad people do those.

That's.

Well, it's a Western town. Maybe they have Western medicine.

Whiskey, platinum, salt.

Basically, yeah.

Just go through the whole list based on this interaction. So, anywho, I think. I think this lady's not sounding great yet.

I'm just glad he was able to help.

But our laundry is still going and there's no one else to talk at.

Well, there's that lady over there. She's like actively in the process of leaving.

Yeah.

Did you notice that she's just kind of putting her wet clothes into a basket? Huh? And leaving.

She must air dry.

You could have probably dried those. Miss.

I don't think the air dries.

I think it's time for me to go. It was a pleasure meeting you folks.

There's no cameras in here, is there? I look around.

Are there.

Are there cameras or perception?

I would imagine they were now.

What a waste of freaking night.

You absolutely see cameras. You have no way of knowing if they're on or not. But you see cameras.

Is it me or is this weird?

I've been saying that.

Is what weird you? Very subtle.

Oh, just jumping right in. Oh, okay.

No, you're fine, sweetie. You're fine.

I thought Dr. Mortarige was supposed to be bringing nice folks to town.

We are nice. We told the truth.

We've been out and about for a while and some of us have forgotten how to have polite conversations. And I apologize for him. He is also weird. And Mel glares at James.

I was held together with fungus at one point. I think I'm the weirdest one of us all.

Yeah, all right.

Well, you know, we could tell people the things that have happened to us and no one would believe us.

You should talk to Ms. Gwaudet. She's trying to grow mushrooms.

Did she happen to feed you some of her almost grown mushrooms.

No. You.

Just smells funny.

Do you guys have a dead people problem here?

What a weird transition.

We're just gonna what? That's a legitimate problem everywhere else.

That's fair.

That's fair. We had a couple of outbreaks, but Mr. Mortarouge and his crew were able to to put them to down.

How did they put him to the down?

Violently.

I mean that is the. The preferred method.

We got guns.

Oh, okay. The standard analog way. Got it.

He seems to be a man of many talents, Mr. Mortlar Rouge.

That's why we put him in charge.

Yep.

Yep.

Is the laundry done yet? I am so bored.

It can be.

Oh, look at, look at that. It's the turbo washer speeding it right up.

She pressed to be extra everything, which also was extra speed.

Yeah, it is spinning like nuts.

James is sitting on top of it.

Like over there worrying you. It's like a turbine. Like a jet engine getting ready to take off.

I didn't know Dyson made washing machines.

It's a GE turbine.

So we sit there awkwardly for another hour and the laundry is miraculously done clean and dried.

Hey there listeners. I'm gonna just hop in here real quick with some fun new updates for ya. First one is this is a bit of a shorter episode, but that's because this was our first time streaming live. With that did come a bunch of fun new challenges that we got to learn about, which without the video component made for some pretty terrible listening. So after trimming, we ended up with a little bit of a brief episode. That said, our friends that joined us on the stream had an absolute blast and I know you will as well. Follow us on our social media to see when we are streaming and how to find us. Also, if you're looking for some in person D and D content, join us at the 2025 Mesa County Libraries Comic Con. We will be hosting two panels this year. Our first panel is the Ready to roll your guide to a stellar TTRPG campaign where we will be diving into how to run a session zero to set your team up for success. And our second panel is the level up your game where our panelists will help provide tips on how to build a truly enjoyable tabletop experience. The first panel is really kind of geared towards your GMs with the second one being geared a little bit more towards players. But the cool part is these are back to back in the same room. So why not just attend both? With the first starting at 10:30 and the second start starting at noon on September 20th. As always, thank you for listening. Here is the rest of the episode.

I have to fold it.

Okay, Just shove it back in your bag, man.

You can. You can put it away when we.

Get your whites are disappointingly not, but everything else came out pretty good.

That's fair.

I have camo.

Camo apron?

Yeah. It's not only a camo apron, but my chaps are camo now.

You did not put your chaps in the washing machine.

I. You told me to throw everything in it. I threw everything in it.

Elliot's gonna kill you.

Shove, shove, shove.

Chaps have got fire dreads.

They are felted now.

They were falling apart anyway.

And the entire laundromat smells like wet cow.

Which is even worse.

Wet sheep.

Gross.

It's okay. It only started smelling like that during the drying cycle. I just shoved everything in, set it to bolt bulky and just let it go.

They also the leather haven't gotten that wet. Was standing up all the time.

Let guys do your laundry.

Hey guys, look at my chaps. They just fall apart.

And the rest of your clothes are still damp?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

And this is why I had to go do the laundry. Because I do perfectly well. But he'd go put my leggings in with his shops and God knows what would have happened.

If you ran your rolly shafts in the washing machine. They are about twice as long as they were when you stuck them in there.

Okay.

So.

Yeah.

And they're felted.

And the laundry.

The, the laundry machine was unhappy.

Yeah. Yeah. That spin cycle was scary.

Washing machine go.

Yeah.

No, no, it didn't.

It don't. No more pumped a cloud.

Yeah, it has relocated.

It was like trying to leave.

Somehow that did not bother the townsfolk as much as us. Talking to Nikki.

Once that hit the spin cycle, the other normal person was like, okay, all right. Yeah, I'll come back. You folks have a good.

I'm gonna get out of here. These people are dumb.

So I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna toss these. These right. The chaps. Those are. I, I, I up.

I, I have no idea how to fix.

I don't want Ellie to see these cuz then he's going to actually kill me. And I ran out of fungus. I'm going to die this time.

Maybe, you know, there's a lot of stuff.

Maybe I could just use it as a scarf.

Maybe.

Maybe we can repurpose it into some felted saddlebags or something. I don't know.

These no longer bring me joy. I'm Gonna throw them away.

It's also way too hot to wear them, and they're heavy to carry around.

Yeah, this feels like a giant waste of whatever.

We take them to the tailor.

Let them.

I have leather goods.

Do you guys have a hunting quest for Slenderman?

Anyway, we return to the inn with everyone's laundry in tow. Most everyone came out unscathed, except for James and his chefs, because.

So when you come in, you're gonna find Elliot is gonna be bellied up to the bar wearing a robe that the inner was nice enough to lend him. And he's sitting there just kind of sipping on a whiskey. Nice. It's really the robe and the fuzzy slippers that really set it off.

Cowboy hat.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Hell, yeah.

Now, very politely, Elliot, here's all of your laundry cleaned and dry.

Oh, thank you. Wait, is that sheep?

James, you want to explain why everything, and I mean everything, smells like sheep?

In my defense, Elliot, please don't hurt me. In my defense, I had never owned chaps before. Please don't hurt me. And I accidentally. Well, no, not necessarily accidentally. I put them in the washer. Please don't hurt me. And I washed them with everything else. Please don't hurt me.

They're your shafts. You do with what you want. If you go put them on and wear them while they dry, they'll be the right size when you're done.

Oh, good. Okay.

It's gonna take about 12 hours for them to dry.

Do I have to, like, keep them stretched out or are they gonna, like.

You need to put them on you. If you let them dry that way, they're gonna be about half size.

But if I put them on now and I walk around, I'm just.

Yeah, yeah.

It's kinda.

But they'll be the nicest fitting shafts you've ever owned in your life. To tomorrow. You do what you want to. I'm gonna go grab these and go change clothes. Thank you very much for doing. Doing my laundry and whoever's the barkeep. If it's Gwadette, Ms. Gwadette, I'll be back for this. Let me just go change clothes. Thank you for lending me the. The robe and slippers. I'll be right back. I'll. Do you want me just to leave them in the room? The robe and the slippers?

Okay.

I'm gonna go change into my clothes and I'll be right back down. So don't let anybody touch my whiskey. I'll be right back.

I'll do my best.

Thank you, ma'.

Am.

So he's just gonna run up, change clothes real quick, come back downstairs.

Oh, you made it. No one touched it.

That was quite tough, I was gonna say.

When Elliot leaves, Mel looks at her. The alternative didn't bear mentioning, did it?

If you hadn't led to the.

I was wondering if we all get the Hugh Hefner get up. Is that upstairs in my.

That's why I was, like, working, worried about.

You guys have clean clothes to change into now. Yeah, we didn't have clean stuff, but.

I. I've never owned a rope, and I would like to partake.

Okay. Anyway, so you can get Elliott's room.

If you want it.

I was gonna say, I feel like. Well, the rope would have been like on Old Dog.

Just because it fits Elliot. It might be a little bit. I'm not sure he'll get it closed.

That's what I mean. On Old Dock, it just barely goes around.

They're like.

Just, like, mostly open.

Yeah. Not quite to his knees.

Slightly below nutsack level.

When Olbok comes out, everyone looks at him. Do not bend over, guys.

These are comfortable. Y' all should try these if you get one.

For the love of God, do not jump. Do not spread your legs for any reason. Do not sit down. You are stuck.

I'm gonna do that with the Sharon Stone.

What is it? Whatever.

Fatal action.

Well, I was gonna ask all night because he's kind of an adult.

That is accurate.

What?

Do I get rid of the chaps or not? It's, like, the most important.

You invested a lot into those chaps.

That's true. But look, if I wear these things, I'm gonna be wearing, like, an additional £60.

They'll try, bro.

Embraces suck. They're gonna fit so perfect when you're done, though.

It's gonna be. They're gonna be great.

After I dock. Fuck it. I'm gonna wear them.

Hell, yeah. I'm gonna wear this robe.

No.

Unlock, unlock. They're trying to make us more presentable.

But it's comfortable and I like it.

You can wear it when we get.

Back after we're done with today's stuff.

When you're in your room.

I'm just saying, if we get in a fight, I'm very nimble and on my. On my game, very jack.

I've got extra mobility, but, my God, I don't want to see that stick.

Maybe we could ask the tailor to make you a toga.

Oh, my God. Yes. We are now doing that.

Want to ride horses in a toga?

That is Fair.

We're going to turn him into like a classic barbarian.

I still want a toga. It could be my. I could wear it at camp.

Yeah, your camp outfit.

That's what they're gonna be. My watch clothes. Now I'm wearing a toga. I'm gonna find tablets and I'm gonna hold them.

Okay? Okay.

Moses.

Man, I didn't know Moses was that.

Ripped to carry those stone tablets down this.

They were heavy. He was yoked.

I mean, wasn't there a movie where Charlton Heston was most. I mean, he was ripped.

So in you here.

So Aria comes back down in his clean clothes. They're clean, they're wore out. But he comes back down. Ms. Gwadette. Thank you very much, ma'.

Am.

And he goes back to sipping. He says, I'm ready for supper. I would like the chicken fried steak, please.

I believe for supper you've been invited to miss.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah.

Excellent. Well, I'm glad that I've just been sipping on this whiskey. I'm not slamming them. I'm just.

Can I wear the robe to the dinner?

Absolutely not.

Put your best clothes on.

My best clothes are a pair of dirty coveralls that have no trails on them.

They're clean coveralls now.

Clean.

Ish.

Do you not remember half the half?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have my chiefs dressed.

We're good. Okay.

It is also covered in bodily fluids of some kind.

Did you clean like anything?

Just because it's washed doesn't mean you don't seize em.

Okay.

Blood does not come out easy.

And I believe that's why Mr. Jean Sohn is going to be taking us to the tailor barber.

Oh yeah.

Oh yes.

Which we should probably be getting to now that we've absolutely spent a couple hours bathing and doing laundry.

Weirdly, Almost on cue, Mr. Johnson walks through the swingy gateway.

Speak of the devil.

Oh, good. Looks like you folks were able to avail yourself of the resources.

Thank you very much. Much obliged. We needed it badly. I heard there's a barber and he's just gonna knock whatever's left in his class and say we back deceiving. Lead the way. Thank you. Lead the way. I. I need a haircut so bad.

We're ready to be fresh.

So Mr. Johnson leads you town square. You've got Main street and then we got first.

Which one's running north and south?

Maine.

Maine's north and south. Excellent.

Okay. And Maine's where the laundromat was and the Gray Fox Inn. So you get up to the town square, you pop a left. Not vital. You pop a left and you find. Actually nope. Because you passed the barbershop on your way into town. So you go back that way. Was important to the barbershop.

Inspiration of the deed.

No, no, he doesn't need it.

Her ready for continuity.

Yay.

And it's got a fun little dingly bell over the door. You do see some fresh rags drying out on the barber pole.

Thanks. Elliot will come in and wait till they're ready. When he gets ready, he's gonna pop in the chair. I need a high and tightness shape.

All right. And as you come in, you do see very well manicured, man. He's got the twisty mustache. Got very nicely quaffed updo butt. Dudes pushing 60. Perfect. It's all gray, silver foxed out.

Oh, nice.

And he's doing the leather strapping with his straight razors.

Gonna be heavenly.

The best thing about everything having changed is we can use proper straight razors again.

Yes.

Don't have to.

Don't your electric buzzers still work?

Yes, but you can do much better with a proper razor than you ever could.

That electrical contraption, I believe is the word you're looking for.

Crap pinches and tears. Proper straight razor will get you done right. And so he seats you down first, gets you the nice apron thingy.

Oh, yeah, I'm looking forward to that hot towel.

Oh, he does the full on, like swirly around your face bit while he's working on your hair.

Oh, perfect. Oh, it is just in heaven at this point.

I feel like Mel's in a corner with a little pair of clipper scissors trimming your split ends. I let you touch me.

I don't need to shave anymore. It's all smooth now.

Dude's quick. Takes him all of like 5, 10 minutes to get you your hair done. And then as he's done immediately, he pulls out the old bowl with the big brush, batters up a good lather and a soap and gets you covered, you know, does all the things. And it's a fantastic shape, dude. It's got an excellent hand. Not one, not a single nick. You could tell, you know, you've been getting shaved long enough. You know, there ain't going to be any irritation later either. He gets up his bottle of post shave tonic, slaps it on.

Witch hazel.

All right, sir, that I believe has been covered by Mr. Monterouge.

I believe so. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

Who is next? You ain't got much to work with.

Not up top, no.

One of you ladies like a seat?

Sure, I got it covered.

She's still overdid.

Mr. Moulin Rouge insists. But I promise you I'm as delicate with a lady's hair as I am a man's face.

If you cut more than half an inch off, these shears will be someplace uncomfy.

If it makes you feel any better, I've been doing my wife's hair for the last 30 years.

I don't know.

Let me see your wife.

She's right through there. And you do turn around and the. The like haberdasher half. You do see a lady back there working a pair of shears. It's a. Maybe a bit dated, but nice.

All right.

I mean, it's a haircut that a 55, 60 year old dude would give his wife. Ain't trendy, it ain't a wolf cut. Right. No side shaves. He asks what you want and hooks you up just as well.

Yeah.

The side shoes, you know that thing you hate. I want that at least mostly can.

Be done with the straight razor, you know. So.

Secretly kind of wanted to try this actually.

My wife won't let me do it.

You look very presentable.

Afterwards.

Again, no. No nicks, no nothing. And it gives you an adequate.

Does he peroxide my hair properly?

He does give it quite the washing.

See, that alone was probably enough to get you in the chair.

Some nice like toning shampoo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You see it appropriately? Purple bottle?

I think so.

I think it's purple.

Blonde.

Sure.

You see the right color shampoo come into play?

Yeah. Mel would know that.

Bits and pieces of people come out of it.

With the state of your hair. I'm not. I'm not comfortable applying any color to it.

That's fair.

It looks like you've seen some things.

Oh, don't even get me started.

I have never caused alopecia. I will not start today.

Thanks.

But yeah. Y' all feel? You feel fucking awesome. Most normal human you've felt in a while. Ulnock would love to still do this. Yeah.

Because I would like a clean straight razor shave of the head. And I would like him to straight razor trim up my beard.

Fantastic. And he does. Yes. He gets you nice and trimmed.

It'd be the most lined up I've ever been in my life. Because I don't do it well.

It's hard. And then my wife. Ms. Broussard, we'll see you next door.

Okay.

To get you all did it up. And she's got all sorts of nice clothes. But again, it's that weird kind of dated, think of a Southern gentleman kind of style. You know, A lot of linens and velvet blazers. I feel like I'm in a white silk shirt. You know? Very nice clothing. She's got the tape measure and whipping around and she's like, now, because you got dinner tonight, I'm afraid it's gonna have to be off the rack. But we could do some light alterations to make you look presentable.

Thank you. One request.

That's fantastic.

No dresses. She looks at him. No dresses.

Prefer the pants myself.

Same.

These two are more the Annie Oakley style.

I'll see what we have.

No dresses.

You can wear the pants under the dresses. Nobody notices.

That's plan B.

She can't kick a God if she's wearing a dress.

Thank you. And I just don't see Emery. And as a dress person.

We don't have to return these.

No, these will be yours.

Okay.

I'm afraid once I make them fit you, they won't fit anybody else.

Well, there's ways to do temporary alterations. But.

Hey, Emery, they might get you pants. Thanks.

I know. Listen, that's exactly what I'm excited for. Which I have to very much insist on. On pants. Because I desperately need pants that actually fit my legs. Please.

I am noticing that they don't currently.

I had something of a growth spurt and she's been drinking. Her milk caused me some. It was unexpected. And I did not have the clothes to. Anyway. I would love clothes that fit properly.

Absolutely. If you put bring by. You folks planning on being in town for a little while?

Yes, ma'.

Am.

At least a few days.

If you bring by your current. I'll do what I can. Give you a little more.

I appreciate that. I will absolutely do that. Thank you.

And Elliot will tell Mel. Elliot or Elliot? Mel. The horses need some downtime.

What just happened?

Elliot Rebooted.

Elliot? No, that's me.

I'm Elliot talking to Mel.

Mel looks at Elliot and says, you know how much I don't notice things. There's something weird going on with Mr. Pol Derou.

That's good. The horses need some rest. I would like to get five days.

What if it's dangerous? Weird.

Don't get into trouble until we're ready to go.

Like we're good at that. Don't you believe it.

With that she gets you guys dotted up. You know, why don't you tell the audience what you're wearing? Again, the style is what she has available. Ain't nobody Gonna be coming out of here in a pinstripe zoot suit.

Darn, that went. I was wearing such collars, I could chop somebody's head off.

Well, Elliot's got a. Almost a pearlescent silk shirt. Slightly blousy in the front. Not really frilly, but it's slightly blousy. I'm trying to figure out, I'm not sure on pants, what would be the appropriate one, but I guess they'd probably be black of some kind. I'm not sure material wiser Slacks. I guess they'd be a little bit big on him because he's pretty slender.

Yeah. Especially now.

Yeah, he's pretty slender. She had to have had some cowboy boots. Had to. Oh, yeah, like shiny black that did fit. He's not an odd size. He's like a 10 on his feet, so that's not too hard. And yeah, with his very nice high and tight, clean shaven.

Looks pretty good.

He looks like he's probably no more than 50, 52 now. And he feels good.

She offers you up a vest and a blazer as well.

Oh, vest. Yeah, blazer.

It's a little hot.

It is a little hot.

We could go a little ornamental on.

The vest, however, get you one of those.

Cool.

What do you picture, Dr. Green, maybe paisley kind of vest and not peasant.

I go with our green, maybe with, like, a little bit of, like, silver thread through it or something. It's got a watch pocket. He is. No, he does have. He does have a watch. Not a pocket watch, though, but he.

Does have a watch.

He'll go ahead and actually take it off his wrist and slide it in the pocket just because it's supposed to be there. He's actually fairly comfortable, surprisingly enough. In this get up, it's like. Yeah, this is the kind of clothes that we used to wear. My dad used to wear that when.

You were a kid in, like, 1870.

Damn. Damn.

She spends about five minutes just kind of making little marks and takes them in the back. Comes back out shortly thereafter. The little bit of slack's been taken out so they fit proper. Yeah.

Letting him out. Take him inside.

A belt.

Yeah, he's still gonna put a belt on, but he. Wow, thanks. This feels great. And he'll step down. Mel, when we get back to the inn, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to walk on my back. Why are you looking at me that way? This is good. If you can get my back to pop by walking on it, I'll be in heaven.

I was looking at him like you look younger, but not that much younger.

Okay, well, you know what? Before the, before the incident, I would have asked Emery for it, but I'm a little concerned that she might hurt me at this point.

You could always get Jacob. Oh, kids are the right. Right.

Oh, no, you're right, you're right. Never mind. I don't need you anymore, Jacob. I've got a mission for you, son.

That's fine. Know what he does, Mel? Just stares off at just face replaced by a younger model. Again.

Jealous of the boy now.

So, Emery, I think it's not too different from Elliot's, but it's more of a like feminine waistcoat with the blouse, shirt and the pants. Slacks. Yeah, I don't know. That's what I got. She probably does go for the pattern, the paisley pattern, maybe in something in like blues.

What color shirt you going with? Just white.

Just white?

Yeah.

Classy.

There you go.

And like one of those ties that's like not bolo tie but like the string. Oh, like has like the old south looking. Like it looks like a ribbon.

There's a name for it. I can't think of what it is.

Yeah, like the big kind of.

No, not big. Like this slender, this thin ribbon looking.

That's not unlike Colonel Sanders.

Exactly.

Like, I got a picture of it and that's exactly what it reminded me of.

Just grab yourself.

You want me to go first? All right. So out of pure curiosity, how common would it be for a 6, 5, 250 pound man to have this kind of attire? Like, would it be easy for me to find a three piece style suit?

She.

Or would I have to?

She'll have it.

Okay.

We'll say she has it.

There's some big wit Midwest boys around town.

There is some big wood.

We got some big old cornfit fun.

That's true.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Okay.

Their offensive line is scary.

Most of them are asking about the rabbits.

I was gonna say, I think what happens is by the time she gets them one long enough to go on you, she has to take in like a foot and a half at the waist.

Yeah, that's definitely proportioned. Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Because I'm not offensive lineman style. I'm still in Navy regs, so.

Okay. Okay, cool then.

Yeah, we'll do. We'll go with a three piece suit kind of get up. I do particularly like that type of tie. I've never worn it myself, but this is all new and I can. So I'm going to. We're gonna go White undershirt with that kind of the French collar though. Because I like those.

Those are cool.

Three piece suit. So that vest comes through the middle. That little bow tie thingy, whatever it's called. We're gonna say the three piece suit. The top coat. I would like to mix up colors because I'm a tacky piece of.

Apparently you're talking to the guy that were a hat that was way too big.

You're not wrong. You're not wrong. I'm just trying to envision what I would go for. So we're going to go kind of a burgundy on the top. For the blazer part, I would do a black undervest and then a white shirt. And then with the slacks, just the standard slacks.

But I would.

Because it's of the time, as far as I could tell for when I take the middle of the undervest off, if that ever happens. I would have the suspenders because I like them.

There you go. There you go. All right.

And those would also be black because that goes with everything.

Of course.

All righty.

Here. Keeping in mind you're vaguely green.

Yep. That's a really match.

Paler than normal. I forgot about that.

Did you say don't wear pink? Yeah, but I want to look like the Easter bunny. No, I was gonna wear like a totally black outfit and I'll just look like the wicked witch.

That's probably the best choice. You're vaguely green with red hair. Good luck.

That always gonna look like a freaking leprechaun. Anyway, so white button up undershirt with mid level vest. It's like silk, like tan kind of a thing going on. Then like a ascot kind of like ruffle kind of neck thing going on. And then a black coat, dark. Dark gray pants and nice black shoes.

You're mixing up all your new trends.

Yep.

A hat.

But a jaunty like a hat. A proper hat.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What kind of hat we talking here?

You go in the straw Southern hat. Like Mr. Montlarge?

No, it's probably like more like almost like a top hat, but not quite that. And the sides aren't as far with your ears.

So kind of just a little bowler.

Kind of like a bowler.

Let's go with a bowler.

Yeah.

Do ears go over the hat or outside the hat?

I was thinking of going with the hat, but I remembered I just had that clean shave.

I asked for like a slightly bigger hat so my ears could just hold the. You know, my ears are still tucked in, but it's. They stick out enough that my Hat doesn't slide down my head.

Gotcha.

Got these mistakes. Kelly.

I think Mel ends up with this weirdly effeminate but still not a dress costume. So she's got a pair of trousers that are kind of cut in that 60s style for women where they just hit your ankle and they're fitted but not tight. And then like a little pair of black slipper type thing, like slip on type shoes that are all soft and flexible and impractical. And then on top, she's got like the cream colored silk blouse that has like those built in ties. So it like ties off to one side and the blouse is all prettily. And then she's got, I'm gonna say, like a dark blue sash around her waist just because the shirt was a little too big and the tailor was trying to cover up the fact that she had a waist. So she's got like this dark blue sash that complements her eyes really nicely.

Nice. Oh, yeah. This is the best you guys have looked and felt in a while. For a hot minute.

This is gonna look dope with a sword. Not that I'm bringing the sword with us for tonight, the dinner.

Hopefully we don't need those.

Hopefully.

That's probably not proper etiquette to bring.

A sword to dinner or a hammer.

Usually not.

Yeah, it's probably for after plumbing out.

This experience has pretty much kill cash the rest of the year after him because, I mean, there was a fair bit of, you know, dressing, measuring, undressing.

I was gonna say. Jacob ends up in a little sailor suit and he hates every second of it.

He's in his little cracker Jack.

Hell yeah. He.

He has the straw hat.

Oh, yeah. He's in a sailor suit with the knee pants and the top.

He looks like he should be from like a 1940s Disney cartoon holding a giant lollipop.

Right when people mad about it.

Jacob, you look good.

Surprisingly, recently. Jacob.

Yes, I wore that outfit not that long ago, buddy.

I mean, we, you know, we. We even. We even got Charlie in a nice little bow on his collar.

There you go. Thank you. You about that time. You see. You notice that Mr. Johnson's outside waiting for you folks, Sees that you're pretty much all dded up, comes on and says, all right, folks, you all ready to head on up to Mr. Mountain Rouge?

About as ready as we can get, I think.

Got to say, y' all look pretty sharp.

Actually, we better go.

Pretty nice.

Will just attract dirt by standing still.

I completely forgot about my cape. I have that underneath the jacket.

Oh, my God. No, you don't.

That's insane.

That's an insane thing to do.

Wear the cape instead of the jacket.

Oh, but I like the jacket.

Then wear it on top of the jacket.

Aggressively red and gold.

Yeah, it's an aggressively red and gold cloak.

Why do I feel like it clashes? Really bad hair.

It's gonna be so lumpy under the jacket. You gotta leave the cave.

It's one of those, like the villain Donkey Kong.

Don't worry about it. I have the portable hole in my pocket.

Yeah, we'll just toss it in there.

Yeah, we put all our extra stuff that we want to have with us.

In the Mr. Johnson looks at you weird and it's like, I have a.

Hole in my pocket. Don't worry about it.

Pocket portable.

Yeah, by the fact that they go with you when you move.

Exactly. I've got a hole in my pocket. Don't you worry about it.

Anyway, I'll be just right up this way here. He takes you a couple streets off the main path.

It's kind of like men's pants, where you can put an entire wine bottle in your pants and no one will notice.

Exactly.

Yep.

And that is the face of bitterness.

No, that was the face. So there's so many things I can say right now.

So you're led to a very nice but almost forcibly humble two story house. It looks to be a solid attempt at a Gothic revival style with wide, narrow columns coming off of the front deck. Almost a wraparound. Not a complete wraparound, but it does. The deck rounds the corner.

Why do I feel like Scarlet's gonna come running through the house yelling terror?

Definitely more Gothic, less plantation. So the columns only go up to the porch's roof. There's a second story and you can tell there's an attic. You got a little decorated attic window up at the peak. In a lot of ways, this place almost resembles a church. It's got the aggressively steeped roof.

It's wide, isn't it?

It is. Everything except for the boards of the deck itself. And the shingles are freshly painted white. Y' all are free to make a perception check if you want.

Oh, I'm making a perception check.

Does Monk get advantage for being skeptical?

That's an 18. That's the first good perception I've rolled in a real long fucking time.

Everybody roll high. That's not high.

That's not high.

16.

That still was good.

I hate your bonus.

I am designed. Oh, yeah. Several things.

He's not suspicious. He's just like.

If Mel rolled. Well, I didn't hear the outcome. 12. Okay. You notice that? No, you notice you rolled.

Okay, I rolled an 18.

Sorry, it's just a force of habit. You notice that the underside of the port porch's ceiling is painted a very pretty light sky blue. And with that, a stern looking man opens the front door and says, good evening, Mr. Monterouge. Looks forward to having you for dinner. Please come in. Theater of the Mind presents Retribution as Amanda Arston as Mel Kelly Jeremy Arston as Elliot Brandybane Michael Burnell as Ulnock Farga Jones Johnson Michael Downes as James o' Brien Casey Weingarten as Emory Lee and myself, Mike Shock, as your Dungeon Master. We release episodes every two weeks, so our next episode will drop on September 28th, which means we will see you at the Mesa County Library's Comic Con before then. If you want to follow us, our social media and website can be found in our link tree, which can be found in the podcast description. Description. Also in the podcast description you can find a link to Pine Cast, as well as our referral code to get you 40% off your first four months of a paid membership, as well as our referral link to Epidemic Sound, which gets you a one week trial period to their excellent platform. Our music this week was sourced from Epidemic Sounds, who we are not sponsored by under the Creative Commons license. The songs used, in order, are Last Stop, Grand Junction by American Legion, Desert Storm by Northside and County Line by Ritz and Recognition. The theater of the Mine theme ad break and outro were written by Mike Schock. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of our collective imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or people living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

As loud as I possibly could, it's wicked just to listen.

See, what I usually do is I wait until you do. Welcome Theater of the mind and then I turn it up or else I blast out my speakers.

Yeah, I learned that the hard way. With headphones. Oh yeah, I was going to clean a building. I was like, I didn't hear anything. Hello and welcome to the.

Yeah, no, I was over here going. I'm like, are we starting yet? Are we starting? Are we starting? Well. Oh, swerving down the road.

It's really fun. Cause you can tell where we're at in the house by the volume. But like, I could hear us in the kitchen, but it's real quiet like this. I can still hear the conversations, but they're quiet. And then we get kind of louder and louder and louder and louder, and then everybody's talking at the microphone.

Yes. The last episode, I was laughing so hard, I almost couldn't see to drive.

All right, I think we're about good.

All right, Black Sheep. I got it. I have an idea.

We're gonna roll with it.

I'm gonna wing it.

I was supposed to be thinking of something.

I know, right?

Three, two, one.

Welcome to Theater of the Mind presents retribution, episode number 49. My. My name is Mike. I'm your dungeon master. And our question this week from the ultimate RPG campfire card deck by James d' Amato is. In your family, who was the odd one out? What was your relationship with them? And if it was you, who in your family was closest to you? You're directly under a microphone.

Oh, no, that's not good for anybody.

All right.

Oh, that's gonna be great.

Are we actually recording? Nothing's moving.

Yep.

It's just very small. I'll zoom in.

And also, we're live.

Yeah, it's.

It's.

It's moving. That's better.

Y. The in. Sorry.