S1:E20 – The road to the Lord(s?)

Theatre of the Mind is a D and D five e dark horror comedy podcaster. Listener discretion is advised. There is a content warning in the podcast description.

Welcome to Theater of the Mind, episode number 20. I'm Mike. I'm your dungeon master. And tonight's question from the ultimate rpg campfire card deck by James D'Amato is what is something that you feel has become your responsibility within your group? Do you appreciate or resent that responsibility?

My name's Amanda, and I'm playing Mel Kelly. Mel absolutely feels responsible for taking care of Jacob. I don't think she's very good at it, but she feels responsible for it. And she's not resentful, mostly because she never had a younger sibling. So this is kind of like her first experience with the younger sibling. And I think she kind of thinks of him as, like, a little brother type. And I don't know, it's awakening some latent maternal instincts or something, but she's good with it.

My name's Jeremy. I'm playing Elliot Brandybain. And Elliot Brandybain feels that his responsibility is keep the group from dying and not doing something incredibly stupid. But he's okay with that because he was used to when he was in the military. That was kind of his job then, too, was keeping dumb young kids from doing stupid things. God, that's a hard job. He's okay with that.

It's a really hard job.

If somebody else wants to take over the position, he's welcome. He's willing to give it up.

I don't think any of us are qualified.

We're gonna be dead in the next encounter.

I am Brunel. I'm playing Olnak Vaga Johnson. And Olnack feels a heavy responsibility to protect everyone in this group, even at the cost of his own life. Which explains why he's kind of a bullet sponge for everything that attacks. Always he runs into the fray of battle and has to try to keep everyone else from getting hurt. Not always successful, but that is the goal. Does he resent this? Absolutely not. Since the incident, he feels responsible for protecting anyone that he is in close proximity with at all times.

I'm down.

That's unhealthy. I just wanna put that out there. That's unhealthy.

Ulnok's not exactly the epitome of mental health.

With that said, under the circumstances, we're still appreciative.

Yes, very much.

I'm still gonna hide.

We're not condoning it, but also not healthy.

I'm grateful and sorry you've chosen this path.

Exactly.

Hello.

I'm Downs. I'm playing James O'Brien. And James, being the only good cook in the group, he's taken over food supply and cooking for the party. Not as grandiose or important sounding as protecting the party at all costs, but it's still important to eat.

Yes. We can't deny that.

Everybody needs a quartermaster.

Love me some breakfast. You know what I mean?

Yes. And if Mel doesn't get her coffee, she turns into a raging lunatic, and.

She already has a blackened soul, so.

Yep. Just like your coffee.

Does she like her coffee like she has her soul?

I think Mel likes her coffee black and sweet.

Too close.

I sweet coffee, but I think Mel likes it black and sweet.

And it's the worst way to drink it, isn't it?

Ugh.

And James, the person who, you know, he cooks to de stress, so he definitely does not resent gaining the job of quartermaster, essentially.

I'm Casey. I play Emery Lee. And Emory's kind of taken over the armory a little bit. But I also think that she's kind of been the moral compass a little bit. She tries to be a good person, and she's trying to make sure this group is doing good as much as possible. I don't think it would occur to her to resent that. It's just how she is different.

Differently. The armory. Cause you're a walking pyrotechnic. Apparently.

Well, it's also cause I have the blacksmithing. I take care of silvering the weapons.

It has nothing to do with, but.

That was less of an interesting answer to me.

Misfix it. Yeah. All right, let's go ahead and roll for recap. Here we go. Closest to 1012.

13.

719.

16.

That's me.

Unless you were doing the prices right style.

Nope.

All right.

Negate f today.

So last episode we started out, we had just met back up with the two of our party who had been lost on the wrong side of a rock fall in the mine. So we just run back into James and Emery when we came across some giant spiders. I mean, they were the size of dogs, which is not. Okay.

Giant for spiders. Not giant in general.

Giant for spiders. Unacceptably large spiders. Olnock is arachnophobic, and so is Mel. So this was a riot. We also came across a spider centaur.

Creature that would be great.

For those of you who've played D and D, that would be known as a drider, for as far as our characters are concerned, it was a spider centaur.

Um, is it freaking nature.

Yeah. Yeah. No. So with two arachnophobes in the party, you would think that these spiders would be the most memorable part about this episode. But it was, in fact, when Emery had an rather excessive, wild magic surge. It had something akin to the magical hiccups.

Complete magical meltdown.

There was a little rave going there. She was glowing. There were butterflies and rainbows and lightning bolts.

Don't forget the lightning bolts. Lightning bolts.

And fog. Clouds.

Friendly fire.

And friendly fire.

There were four.

Like it was a show. But eventually, after one that almost killed. Yes, yes. After a rather seemingly endless number of rounds, that, too did pass. And we collected ourselves some various useful bits of things off of the dryder and some silver ore, and we exited.

The mine and we got the lapis lazuli.

Yes, we have the lapis lazuli, and.

I have a longbow now, and the.

Lemak has a longbow, and James has a cuirassier.

Well, that's how you say that.

That's how you say that.

That's how you.

Oh, I had no. I literally thought it was cuirass I've ever read it.

There's some things I know how to say. Don't talk to me about. Not brassieres.

No.

Bustiers.

No, the things you warm your hands on.

Frasiers.

Frasers, not brassieres.

Like I said, I don't talk to you about those. Don't talk to me about frasers.

I just wore my hand on the brassiere.

That's exactly what I said when I was playing Skyrim. One day.

Comes at risk of slapping.

Anyway.

Sorry, man. My hands are cool.

That's usually why he gets flapped. Make sure those hands are warm.

Anyway, so that was last episode, and apparently we got a long rest, but it only took as long as a short rest because of our magical glade thingy.

And the beautiful woman.

And the beautiful woman. How's Jacob, by the way? Is Jacob good?

He might be taller.

Did he stay out of trouble? He's a growing boy. Of course he's taller. Oh, yeah, Emery's taller now, too.

Yeah, she's a growing gal.

Permanently.

If a weird change to your character is going to occur, apparently a well to MRP.

Yeah, so we've got a white stripe and four more inches.

Boy, talk about character development, huh?

I know.

Quite brute force.

Yeah.

I also just realized that my character is not proficient with. He's proficient with Longsword, but he does not have the strength to use the stick properly. Cause I have the drider longsword. And I only have a plus.

Maybe you guys ought to swap the rapey and wrong sword.

I kind of like my rapier.

I've just thrown it out there. You guys can fight over your own pointy objects in your own time.

Yeah, we can ask the weaponsmith at some point to see if we can get into it. Yeah. I'll turn this long sword into a rapier, because that won't do anything to the rapier. God.

A short sword would not take as long. No, I just got to break it a little bit and then sharpen it, just basically.

Yeah.

I don't think that's gonna work in a long story.

That would be pretty cool.

All right, so you guys have gotten out of the hole. You have immediately laid down and taken a nap, and you are up. You see that Jacob is still chilling with the horsies. They were down there for maybe, maybe, like, 2 hours, 3 hours. It was a crazy, huge mine.

Kind of felt like we were down.

There forever, at least a month.

And you see the Eladrin and the other eclectic feyfolk are chilling over at a new spring in a different part of the glen. They have just shifted their hangout spot, and the eladrin's kind of looking over in your direction a little bit expectantly.

All right, now that we're rested up, we should probably go hand this thing over, huh?

Yeah.

Do we all have werewolf questions on our brains ready to talk about that kind of stuff?

Yeah. How do we fix it? Is there anything else that we need?

We would love that.

Hard to kill you. We figured that out with Emery.

I guess you guys do know how to do that.

We'll just put you in a room with an uncocked emery.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll just scare her into getting hiccups, and it'll work.

Listen, I made you large. I can make you.

I'd be a baby wearer.

Oh, that would be so.

Even better.

You make him, like, pocket size, and when he turns, you just pick him up by the scruff of the neck and go, now, olnag, that's no way to behave. And then drop him in your bag, freaking out.

Like, clawing and snapping.

I just thought of a surprise attack. We can miniaturize Olnag, put him in a pocket, then, you know, like, whenever combat happens. Yeah. Surprise.

Pocket.

Olnlock.

Just go. Nunc. Pocket.

Wolfenhe.

All right, all right. Grab this giant stone orb and start heading towards it.

If I remember correctly, it was named the bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You guys, we had to crawl through a tiny little tunnel for this thing, and it sucked.

Got it yellow.

So the Eladrian perks up. She is more than happy to let you come to her. She's comfy. So she does sit up a little bit, turns her attention your way, and says, oh, you found it. Not gonna lie, it took a little longer to get through that than I thought it would for you very capable humans.

There were spiders.

Yeah, we weren't expecting the man spider.

Oh, yeah, matt, I. What is that, by the way?

Man spider gonna describe?

Giant spider creature, thing with torso of.

A guy, a lot of swords.

He stabbed me a lot. A lot.

He did.

Just a little bit, though. She looks concerned with this description.

Yeah. Was wearing this armor and was using this sword.

It was like taking him and putting him on a spider.

When you point out that you have its sword, she's. Can I see that weapon? I will return it. She takes it in her palms and is very closely examining it in the light. Now, you can see that there's actually fairly intricate engravings along the blade. Very, very fine work on both the pommel and the cross guard.

It's prettier than light, and it is.

It's gorgeous. It's dark. The metal itself is almost blackened. It's a very, very dark steel. And whatever engravings are in it are black, as if they were filled in with an ink. It's got a gorgeous dark charcoal gray leather wrap on the handle. And she's examining it quite closely and then hands it right back to you.

Thanks.

I believe what you have encountered is known as a drider.

A what now?

A drider. They are horrible creatures formed by dark magics. I believe you have encountered other elves. Similar to. Not. Not dissimilar from myself. Yeah, more. You're the ones that you encountered, I believe, would be more reminiscent of, say, a wood elf.

Yeah, we've met. The two legged variety?

Yes, well, the drider started as a two legged varietal, as well known as the drow.

Okay.

Drow are dark elves. They come from an area called the underdark. It's a terrible place deep underground. Deep underground on my home world, though it is concerning that that is apparently happening here as well. But a drider is a male drow that has been tortured by the females and transformed into a beast. They serve. Typically, they serve their creators. It's rare to find one so far from any other. I'm assuming you did not see anyone else in the. They would not have allowed you to have exited?

Nope.

Just a bunch of eight wicked freaks.

Well, no.

I mean, the vine was full of little hobbyknockers.

Oh, yeah. We said the Tommyknockers, but yeah, the dog spiders.

No, the little guys.

Oh, yeah.

Little magic miner.

The little magic miners that I called leprechauns. And then. Yeah.

No, no.

Thank God.

No. There's. There's lore in their stories. In our world of little guys that.

Live in mines, they can sometimes be mischievous.

No. Littler.

Smaller.

No, no.

They're more like spirits. They're more like spirits.

Anyway, apparently those are real now too.

Now what? Now kaczyntight.

Yeah. Snarf. What?

They're feeblin.

They're feeblin.

Feeble snarfs.

I'm gonna give you a round of applause. That was pretty good pronunciation.

Very weird. Weird.

You should have that looked at, ma'am.

Hay fever.

They are other beings from the underdark. The deep gnome.

I don't think so.

I think they're from our world.

Yeah.

I'm not sure about the little fellers you said you saw down there, but they were helpful.

They helped us find this, and I kind of heft the lapis.

She palms it out of your hand. One hands it. Yes. This will add to my collection quite nicely. She sets it down next to her.

All of us are looking at her a little bit starry eyed at this point. Like, whoa.

Oh, and speaking of starry eyed, Elliot, you still need to make a. Oh, right.

Wow. She's beautiful and buff. I like her even more now.

Uppies.

He fails again. I figured he was smitten just as soon as he saw her. I didn't even expect you roll.

And so. Well, it would appear a great expense, apparently. I am concerned that writers are there. Is there any evidence of where it may have come? It definitely did not come from this side. They don't tend to go into the light.

We explored pretty much all of the accessible areas of the mine.

There was a really deep cleft, as if the ground had split. And there was evidence that something had climbed out of that cleft. I bet it was that driver, huh?

We didn't see anything like that on our side.

Yeah, it was over in the tunnels while we were trying to meet up with you guys. We came up, crossed.

It may be in our best interest then, for me to just close this mine off entirely.

That might be for the best, probably, yeah.

Oh, be gentle. Be careful.

There's kind of towards the entrance. There's a box of stuff that we call dynamite.

It will explode.

It can explode.

I think there was multiple boxes of that.

Yeah.

Well, that could make this quite exciting. I appreciate the warning.

Yeah. So, like, anything can set it off, like dropped rocks or things. So I don't know how you plan on sealing it.

Fantastic.

Pardon me?

That fantastic. That's.

Oh, okay. Just wanted you to know that if you start throwing rocks in the mine, it could set that off.

She stares over at the Seder. No, what's.

What's going on with goat guy over there?

He quite enjoys pressing his luck.

Ah, little mischievous creature there, huh?

Yes, well, I appreciate the accomplishment that you have undertaken. So now I believe it is my turn to uphold my end of the deal here.

Please.

So, per our deal, I can offer this information. She turns specifically to Pollock. You are not sick, warrior. You are cursed. Because of this, no amount of medicine can help you. You need to seek out those who can remove curses. In most realms of existence, those who are best at removing curses are the holy priests and priestesses. Okay, I am aware of a convent, but maybe two days ride from here. Okay, it's pretty deep into the mountains. It is not in any town nearby. She points off to the north east, and you guys have already headed north from I 17. So this is trafficking into mountain country. They are probably your best hope of finding someone who can fix what ails you in time.

In time? Do you know how long much longer we have?

You have until the full moon, which I think last session I said was four or five days away.

Oh, goodness. We don't have a lot of time.

So we gotta get moving.

If by chance, we run out of time, sidetracked, doing, you know, like, something happens, we're not able to get the thing removed. Is there a way to, like, lessen it, or is there a way to, like, best way to, like, stop him from doing crazy nonsense?

There is no stopping the transformation without removing the curse.

We can't just, like, conk him over the head, knock him out till the next day.

The beast is separate from Olak's consciousness.

You're a hulk?

No, not quite.

He's a large laden, but he's still living. I don't believe he is a zombie, hulk. He appears to still be a person.

My bad. Made an our world reference.

But what I can say is not all curses are necessarily the end of the line. If you fight it and keep your mind about you, most of the time, you will be yourself. You'll turn on the full moon, and you are the beast.

Okay.

Those who are closest to you, quite literally, will be in danger. When you are the beast, you will not be in control. The rest of the time, you will be. If you fight the curse, if you succumb to the curse, you are the beast. You can turn at will, but you will not be.

You become griff.

Okay?

And he wasn't pleasant to be around, so I don't recommend to give that beast.

Grif was creepy as hell.

Yeah. Yeah, he was.

And we do have a small child in our midst, and I would not.

That is not finger fit.

Yeah, that's disgusting.

It'd be more of a snack anyway.

Ew.

You're not helping your case here, buddy.

I'm just saying, worst case scenario. I don't want to hurt Jacob.

If you have a map, I can show you where precisely this convent is. But if not heading northeast from my glen, about a half day's ride, you will come across a well worn trail that will lead you to that.

Do we have a map?

I don't know if we have a map or not.

Did we take a map?

I don't think we have one. We should maybe pick up a hiking map somewhere.

I thought we may have pulled some.

He had maps. I don't think. You said you took them.

No, we didn't say we took them. So that's on us.

Well, ma'am, if you can describe in as much detail as you have the trip there, I should be able to mostly get us there.

About a half days ride, you will come across a well worn but dirt road. It would not be one that is forged by your machines, but one that is worn into the ground by your tread crutcher. It will lead you deep into the mountains. You will follow a valley for another half days travel, and then it will start leading you up a mountain.

Do you know which direction this valley, does it go? East, west, north?

South?

Do you know this?

The valley runs north south.

Got it. So we'll come into the south and continue north. Thank you.

You will not clear the entire valley, but the. The path should guide you fairly well.

The path go up the mountain pretty well?

I believe so, yes. I've not traveled all the way there personally. Some of this is what some of my friends have told me.

Okay.

Getting information from the birds and the deer is not always a straightforward task.

I can talk to the birds and the deer.

Hey.

So if we get lost, we need directions.

Excellent.

Is that weird? I'm sorry. You look surprised.

It is not the most common, but there are some from my realm that have learned the languages.

See?

Look at that.

You got a rare gift.

But I can zone out for a little bit, and then I can talk to the animals.

Interesting. So you two are touched by the magics?

Yes, sort of.

This is a particularly powerful small group you have here.

Yeah.

That'S refreshing to hear, actually, because I got my ass kicked down there again.

You're still great. You faced a drider. There are many who have fallen to a drider's blade and become subjugated to the drows slave markets.

Oh, look at it this way. The drider didn't knock you out. Emery knocked you out. So it was friendly fire.

That's fair. That's fair, Emory. Emery went bananas down there. You should have seen it. It was crazy. She's just barking off like lights and butterflies.

And I have some reason.

We all felt sick.

It was weird.

I had control over my magic.

It seems you are not of the draconic bloodline. You are of the. We called it the wild magic in my realm.

That was certainly wild.

It was that I took a description.

It was like a rave.

It was just magic spilling out of me that I couldn't do anything about.

Sorcerers of your kind have very rarely not been entertaining.

Ooh, you're a sorcerer. We just need to get you one of those pointy hats.

I, or staff.

Don't want to wear a pointy hat.

What about a wand?

Oh, a wand. I thought you said a blonde. Yeah, it's like where? Melanie, that'll work.

Neither here nor there. I just. So after we travel up the valley, we climb the mountain and then. Top of the mountains. Where the covenant?

Yeah. From what I gather, it's a fairly conventional convent.

Sure.

It's a fairly impressive structure in an area lacking impressive structures. Okay. It's large, made of stone.

They're saying we won't miss it.

Yes. They are trying to attract currents. I would imagine the road may be even more clear than it was before.

What does that mean, trying to attract?

They are always. Most of most churches are seeking out new followers. I believe they are trying to expand their followership as well.

Is this like our world church? Or like a your world?

I was just about to ask.

Church.

Is it white?

Church in your mountains? I know not. I am particularly religious.

Is it white?

It is not white.

Okay.

What does that matter?

It is stone.

Do you know. Do you know their name or do you know their name or do they have a name?

They go by the name of the nuns of the mountains.

The nuns of the mountains. They're the Kniggits who say, nick, there.

Are also a. I believe there is also a group, I guess gaggle of monks.

Gaggle of monk cloister.

Cloyster, sure. That sounds like a good word.

Let's go with that one. It's like a gaggle cloister.

There's a flock of monks.

You know, I could see a gaggle of nuns, but maybe a gaggle of monks, not so much.

I'm sure they're definitely not a murder of monks.

And he said upon to them, gaggle.

They're. From what I gather, it's a fairly impressive structure containing within it a very large cathedral.

Is that white?

It is not.

Are you worried about if the thing is white?

Like, out of character? Am I looking for a white church? Did I remember that right? Okay. Thank you.

This is not matching that description.

Okay, cool. Thank you.

Yours is like, think small town white church.

Well, that's what I was trying. That's what I remembered I was supposed to be looking for. But I started to get confused.

She's like, is it white? Is that one white?

Oh, is that a church? Is it white?

It occasionally, seasonally, gets covered with white.

That's literally what I've been doing everywhere we've gone. But does it have a white church?

And that's why James is asking, why does it matter what color it is?

It just does. Trust me.

Is it a blue chedge?

No, I'm not looking for a blue one.

I apologize that I am not able to assist you further, but I have nothing partaken in the removal of curses. It's not my purview.

That's okay.

Does any of your friends have that.

Information that you have had?

If my friends had that, I would not send you on a two day cross country. Of course. Thread, my friend. Okay.

Well, we appreciate any direction, because we didn't have that before.

So I wonder if that would be magics that we could learn. That might be helpful.

I mean, could be helpful.

Like, you only run into a werewolf.

Once in a blue moon.

Hopefully once in a full moon.

Wouldn't she? Do you even know what a blue moon is?

I gotta be honest. No. No, I do not.

It's two full moons in a month.

Oh, that's gonna be real fun for you. That's gonna be a very active.

So what's a new moon?

It's one really bad movie.

The opposite of a.

Moon.

We can have a celestial lesson on the horse ride.

Okay.

Is there anything else you think we need to know before we start on this trip? Because I feel good. And the horses, boy, they look sleek. Jacob, you did a good job taking care of them. Thanks, buddy.

Did Jacob, behave.

Jacob Washington. A very fine young man. He very diligently partook in his duties of guarding and watching horses.

Good job, Ruth.

Even brushed them down for a while.

They look for great.

All I can say is time is of the essence. At minimum, your best bet is to have him locked in a cage on the next full moon.

Okay.

Don't have one of those.

Oh, we gotta.

We better get to that church and build one.

Then I say we get on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you again, and thank you for letting us rest here. It has been really nice meeting you.

It was an absolute pleasure. And you might be my hero.

I appreciate that. Although it does appear as though you have someone else who wishes to keep close eye over you, with whom I would not interfere.

Me neither.

Before we go, I have one last question, and Elliot will get down. I wonder. Marry me.

Oh, young mortal. You cannot enter being led to one of my.

James is gonna try very hard not to burst into laughter. Oh, no.

Is rolling on the field laughing right now.

Elliot's gonna look pretty, pretty disappointed.

Believe me, for the sake of your life, that is not the best decision you can make.

That's all right, Elliot. You'll get the next one. Pat him, pat him. Solidarity on the shoulder.

No, I don't think I will.

I think you're a bit young for me anyway.

How old are you?

Do you don't ask a lady that.

Hey, what's the matter with you? Didn't your mother teach 92?

I don't remember how old you are.

Me?

Yeah.

I'm 60, goddamn it. I still whip your ass.

60, 90. I don't see what the difference is. Anyway. We gotta go fix my curse.

Okay.

Probably eat the kid. I don't want to eat. Jacob, don't do that.

Stop bringing that up. You're going to give him more. I reach up on my tiptoes and just smack them on the back of the head.

I just don't want the kid to be, like, surprised.

I thought he liked.

He does.

Why? Are you gonna eat?

He's not gonna eat you.

Bit by a spider.

You know, just. No, we.

So loud while you were down there.

You did a great job with the horses, Jacob. I really appreciate it. And Charlie, he looks good. Um, guys, we need to get. We need to get loaded up. We need to get down the road. Yep.

Yeah.

James, you're not. Right. Jacob, you're not riding with Olmok.

But I'm talking to Bert.

Bert. Okay.

Yep, the horse.

Yes.

Right. I gotta hold on. I gotta meditate for a little bit. Should I do that later when we're at the fork or whatever?

Do that on the horse.

Yeah, yeah, do that on the horse. We gotta go.

You guys never really made camp. You just slept, unloaded?

Yeah, we got to the sky and immediately passed out.

Just like fresh air.

I got to the top and just.

Fell on my face twice now. Elliot has immediately collapsed within her presence. First time she said, you can lay down here. He fell down, fell asleep, and then immediately after coming out of the hole.

She does lay down and fell asleep.

We'll say it's like cause you traveled all night and then passed out. Took a short rest, probably long rest, which was a long rest, and then you were about 2 hours in there. So it's like noonish.

God, our sleep schedule's fucked.

Yeah, it's a nightmare.

We're on May 2 now.

Yar. Okay.

Hey, look at that.

It's May May to.

Got it. Well, Elliot's gotta start getting the horses ready.

Travel. It might be May 1. It might still be May 1.

It might be May 1.

I think it turned May 1 while you're on your way here.

It is May 1 because it was the last night of April when we got to Glen.

Perfect. So it is noon May 1, 2020 something 2020 X. And yep, you guys get on the horses and you are the moose thing. Hey there listener. Im just going to interrupt this battle for a quick ad break. I wanted to take some time this episode and highlight a product that weve been using almost every episode. As youve heard, we start our episodes using the ultimate rpg campfire card deck written by James D'Amato, who is also the author of the Ultimate RPG series and the host of the one Shot podcast. While we use this card deck to help introduce a bit of backstory from these characters to you, this deck is a great fit for any TTRPG. There are 150 different question cards in this deck, sorted into several different categories to help you world build, character build, or just improv with your friends. We like this product so much that we arent even being paid for this advertisement. This is just a genuine shout out to another creator in the TTRPG world. Thank you again for your continued support. We rely completely on word of mouth to help us spread so our current following is because of all of you. If you do want to follow us on social media, you can find the link tree in our podcast description as well as the pinecast and epidemic sound links. Now let's get you back to the action we had northeast, I assume. Yeah, you don't immediately deviate.

We're gonna head southwest.

Thank you.

Objectively, the wrong.

Twitchy ladder. Just fucking. Okay, screw you too, I guess. Fuck my advice. Whatever.

We head off in the direction that she indicated.

And as she says, I mean you. You head off north and go to make perception checks.

What is.

It?

Be on your next page.

Passive, whatever the hell.

Somewhere near the bottom.

20 total 30 2010 damn.

Passive.

I got a natural 2024.

Nice.

Perfectly waste of a natural 20.

I also got a two.

Well, I actually rolled a three, but I have a negative one, so I.

Got a two plus zero.

I rolled the wrong one.

I wanted to roll that one.

It wouldn't have mattered anyway.

I got him. Fittingly, Elliot, and less fittingly, James. Turn back to get one more look at the Eladrin. And right as you guys cross into the treeline and leave the fairy circle, the glade flickers out of sight.

Like cloaks itself.

Almost.

The eladrin, the feyfolk, the spring vacate.

Just like, blinks out.

They're gone. You see the opening of the mine. And if you watch closely, you see the mine's opening begin to seal. Wow.

That's workers.

About an hour down the road. You do feel a.

Emery, was that you? You popping off again?

No. You would have felt that a lot more strongly if that was me.

Felt what?

Huh?

I just assume I failed that perception check too.

Yeah.

There's a thump to allow Elliot to do something he's quite good at in his favorite terrain. Let's get a survival or nature check to see if he can follow.

Follow that trail.

The admittedly skin directions that were provided.

23.

Yeah.

So you have no problem. It does take almost exactly a half days travel. So you're getting there, right? As the sun's falling, you find the trail. Find a. And it's as described. It's a well worn hewitt jeeping trailhead. There's two ruts, but they're very. It's very obviously this used to be traveled. It was just never a maintained dirt road.

Got it.

But you do find this just as it's starting to get dark. And if you want to, there's a spot. You can make camp here or you can try to push.

She said it was going to take two days. I don't see any reason to push in the dark and risk running into trouble.

Yeah, agreed.

Should we look for a nice clearing or something like that to pick camp?

So we fight. You said there was a good spot to camp.

We'll set up camp. You can camp up easy if there's anything in particular anybody wants to do? We can go through the night watch. Or if we just want to breeze through, we can breeze through.

I'm going to practice with my long sword. But it failed miserably because I am not the strong.

Does Olmach need to make a nightmare? Check for spiders.

Actually, we might be a good idea.

Check.

At minimum. The two rectifones.

What is.

That was a charisma, I believe.

Charisma.

Save.

Yeah. Yes.

1315.

All right. You both sleep through the night. You're not. You have bad dreams, but you're not.

Right. I'm not waking up every five minutes freaking out and sweating.

Exactly.

Apparently part of Mel's high charisma is that she has zero imagination for some reason. Because that's the only way I can.

Think of super vivid dreams.

Yeah. That's the only thing I can think of that would allow her to sleep through all this shit.

Mel is very good at compartmentalization. I feel like.

Yep. And I just hide her emotions.

I don't like this.

Let's not feel that pretty much.

I think that's how Mel does that.

Sat in a box.

That's an icky vibe.

I don't want it.

Let's not forget that Mel was the first one to kill somebody in the group.

Yep.

And Mel, she didn't celebrate when she did it, though.

No, she did not break out the song.

Mel quickly. In the things that people don't do. Therefore, it could not have happened. Box. Shut that up with some duct tape and put it on the top shelf for later.

Right next to that drider.

The drider has gotten a new box along with undead and creepy things that go bump in the night.

You need a bunch of boxes. That way, if you accidentally open one, you don't get everything.

Yeah. You cannot put all that shit in one box. When you open that box, you'll just be annihilated.

It's a closet full of Pandora's boxes.

There's 15 Pandora's boxes in her mind. That's not.

That's healthy.

The box holding up the entire stack is the childhood trauma.

There's no way this could go badly. All right.

All right.

It's a big box.

Just to get through the travel nights in particular, let's have another round of perception checks just to see if you see anything cool. Shit. Hold on.

Passive arrow.

The 20.

That's another really good one.

That's a 19.

That's a 22. My dice has been on fire.

Gonna go with a nine. That's my passive.

So in the middle of your watch at night, uh, the two of you who rolled high, hear. At first, you just hear what sounds like cracking sticks. Yeah.

Shit.

Uh, breaking fairly high. And in the light of the fire, you're pretty sure you. You see a fairly large silhouette kind of watching at you kind of hear it and then it just trundles away.

What the fuck was that?

Yeah.

Your guess is as good as mine the next morning. If either of you care to look.

Yeah, I'll definitely look.

Let's have an investigation from your twos.

I do not care to look. Big nightmare makes me happy.

First, I would like to inform the group that there was a thing that was watching camp.

And I will back him up by saying, yes, I heard said thing too. It's a good thing we don't know what that was.

I'm gonna use the minor illusion to kind of replicate the sounds that it made to stop that.

Cut that out.

Sounds exactly like that.

Do that.

Anyway.

Investigation.

Checking about things, watching us while we're sleeping.

Great roll. That's fantastic.

Yeah. I got an eight.

You find some broken sticks near camp?

Guys, I found some sticks.

They're broken. That's my better judgment.

I'll look.

Okay.

Five.

I chew five sub eight near camp.

Hey, guys, did you know we camped in a stand of trees?

Hey, Elliot, resident survivalist. Do you want to assist?

I was told by a wise movement that I can't.

You hear this thing up in the top of the trees or down on the ground?

It was described as being oddly high. Right? You said it was high that we heard snapping.

Yeah. Those sticks were breaking high. After your shit investigation, you're not sure?

Is there a surrender?

General collection?

Let's go check up higher.

It was over there.

You guys must have just been thinking about Griff last night.

23.

So you find some tufts of hair on some broken branches, probably 8ft off the ground, and you find a fairly large footprint.

This is actually. This could be in Elliot's wheelhouse too. I believe from the stories that they were told. This would be Elliott as well. There's stories about Bigfoot out in these woods and supposedly they kind of smell sort of bad. So I want to pull this tuft of hair and I literally want to smell it. Does it smell mildly skunky?

A little. Not terrible. But it smells like really bad wet dog.

That's just old knock.

But like really look.

I haven't showered for a while, but that's not my fault. The thing tried to kill me. The spider guy and I did pee a little. I told you guys that.

Well, yeah, you screamed it multiple times.

Can I make a nature check from Bigfoot, though?

I mean, I, you know, honestly, honestly, at this point, this. The tooth fairy could be real for all we know. At this point.

What specific. What exactly are you.

I'm trying to do? I personally think this is a sasquatch, but I don't.

You know, Elliot knows a lot of animals and the things out.

You know, the animals in the region are nowhere near a minimum of 8ft tall. And, you know, none of the animals in the region have a foot yet.

The only thing I could think of is a bear or a sasquatch at this point.

It's definitely. It's definitely not bear. You would. Okay, guys, it's the squatch.

We've got a Bigfoot following us.

Oh, that works. But we couldn't have a jackalope that I saw that while back. That's cool. Whatever.

Okay.

Okay.

At this point, let's just go with.

The whatever cryptid you think is the one that we want to fucking.

If you see another jackrabbit, we'll be leaving this time.

Fair. Whatever.

So, generally, the rumors I have always heard from the mountain folk that live is that they're typically fairly shy.

Yeah. They don't photograph well.

Yeah. And they generally stay away from people. I don't think. Think it's something we really need to worry about. But if we run into something that looks like a giant ape, maybe don't mess with us. Don't look it in the eye and try to just pretend from any stories you heard about, like the actual apes, we don't want to trigger one if we run into one. So I don't think we need to worry about it. But don't be shooting it big. They'll be shooting at big shapes in the dark. Okay.

Brinelle's trying not to die.

Start a fight, is my opinion.

Yeah.

I can't believe we're discussing how best to approach a bigfoot.

Well, we're not going to. We need to. We need to go. We've got.

We need to get going. Yeah.

So random thought, like, do you think all these creatures we had myths about always existed and we just never were sure? Do you think that they just suddenly popped into existence, like, a month and.

A half, considering we've seen three of them in the span of a month when no one could prove they existed for hundred years?

But I've been outside more in the last month than I've been in my entire life. So, like, maybe this is normal. I don't know.

I don't think this is normal.

If old knock loses a two and tooth fairy arrives to take the tooth to leave a quarter.

Are you saying you want to lay a trap for a tooth fairy?

I kind of do, yeah.

Let's go.

That might be kind of fun.

We've got a convent to find and we need to go.

You know, Jacob could lose a tooth. He's that age. If he does, we'll. Fair. Fair.

But I'm not gonna punch Jacob in the face to test the theory.

I was just that. How could.

Jacob. Don't pay any attention to these people.

I was just thinking if circumstances substantially. You lost a tea.

No, no.

That's why I said I'm not gonna punch you in the face.

I'm sorry.

We do.

They're just overgrown children themselves.

I said I'm not going to punch you in the face.

I assume that was a given before you said it.

We're not gonna let either of them punch you or eat you. I promise on purpose.

Maintain all not being.

We're not going to let it happen, period.

We gotta get to that place and.

Build a cage or get it removed permanently.

Teach me the karate. No, I would.

I'll teach you the Muay Thais and you can unbuck people. You gotta jump up with the knee and the elbow and you gotta mash.

Their face right in between.

Between the tubes.

Bam.

I'm gonna keep teaching Jacob the more regular karate for now. And he needs to learn the advanced.

Techniques if he's gonna be effective.

You should teach him mma so he can fight back.

I don't know mma. I know self defense.

We need to ride. Yeah, we can discuss it on the trip.

All right. Who wants coffee?

I would love some coffee to go, please. Nobody knows the sasquatch mating call.

Correct.

This is Sasquatch meeting. I don't feel like that should be used ever.

Don't want to use that.

What if it works?

That's not good for anyone.

So considering we now believe that Bigfoot is real, we should not under any circumstances.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm dying to know what that is, but it's fine.

I don't know it. I would just want to know, make sure that nobody else knew it. Because I don't have a plan. If a sasquatch comes running out with a raging boner. I don't have. I don't know what to do about that.

Okay. I don't know where we just got. I'm getting on my horse and I'm heading off up the street.

You're riding through the woods whilst this conversation occurred.

Yep.

Your second day's travel. It's a very easy to follow trail. It's very, very well worn. You do crest a small hill and you see a valley spread out before you at the very end of which there is a mountain. A picturesque mountain range that does not look unlike the mountain range on a kursk. It's very, very pretty, very tall, very jagged peaks with fresh snow. Very white capped. At the very top of these mountains, the valley you're in now is filled with fresh grasses. Wildflowers are starting to bloom. Very, very, very pretty. And the trail you're following cuts straight down the dead center of this valley. There is a decent flowing creek that runs alongside the road. Some of the cleanest, freshest water you've ever seen. Fresh mountain melt off. And you follow this for a good, good, probably three, 4 hours just winding through. There's all the hama, fresh insects. It's very cliche. Beautiful spring valley. And you can see off towards the horizon. You can see the road bend and start towards one of the mountains off to your east. Your right as you're heading north.

You know, if this wasn't the apocalypse, this would be a great vacation spot.

Great. It's beautiful.

As you're traveling, you do see some small, ancient log cabins, very homestead style. You pass the occasional remnants of a whole fence line. But you never actually encounter anything that makes it seem as though people are actively farming or actively ranching on this land. It feels very ancient, almost very vacated. You get the feeling that they're. Despite the well worn tire treads, no one spent any time here.

Kind of ghost town.

Yeah, kinda.

Okay.

And you know, not a lot of people have seen this valley. You're one of 0.001% of the Colorado population that's seen this valley. It's. You're in the middle of flipping nowhere. But you follow this trail, you start to exit the valley. You start to make your way up. As you get closer to the edge to start going up, you do see some waterfalls off in the distance. There's a couple of gorgeous red clay mountains nearby. With the waterfalls going down them. Fresh budding aspen trees. Gorgeous, gorgeous environment. And at the way off distance, you see the starts of a. You can just barely see a roof line cresting through the tops of the trees.

Is it white?

The trees around his heart.

And you can lick them.

I forgot about that joke.

We've been referencing it every week since that session.

Once you start going up, the going is a little slower. There's a lot of switchbacks. It's a fairly steep. Fairly. This is very rugged terrain. This is the kind of stuff you need one of those lifted off road jeeps to get anywhere near here. And it's one of those that you know in the before time. There are absolutely YouTube videos of jeeps just bouncing off these trails being shredded.

Glad the horses are in good shape for this.

Yeah.

Got those all terrain hooves.

Yeah. You make it up to the convent. Nearing nightfall. It's not dark yet, but it's getting quite close. You can see behind you sun setting. One of the more stunning sunsets you've seen. This air probably never really suffered pollution. You're not near friggin anything. As the sun starts to set it casts to deep oranges and purples and it's absolutely stunning. And it paints this conventional in a interesting light. It almost makes it look as though the roof of it is trying to catch fire with just the violence of the orange. And it is an impressive structure. The path that you are leading leads you directly to the front door, which is interesting because you don't see anywhere that a jeep would turn around. Okay. You don't see there's no parking lot. And the door is not a jeep sized door. It's a people sized door. That this goes up to the cathedral or the convent itself that you're approaching is a very gothic style. Damn near castle would be a better description. You have three story tall rock walls stretching out on either side, ending in towers. The more circular towers on the end. Parapets maybe is the word.

That's the name for the walkway on the top of the wall.

Gotcha. It has one of those. There's a parapet on the top of.

The wall about like. Could we tell how old this building is? Does it look like, how worn is.

It been here forever?

What?

But it like. It can't have been, right?

Like I mean unless a jeep drove through it.

Nowhere.

Do you want to make fresh investigation checks?

Yes, please. As opposed. As opposed to stale investigation check.

1211.

Oh no, that's not great. 1314. I forgot.

Best. As you guys can tell, it's a very old building. It is nestled right into the mountain quite cozily.

Do you think we're still in Colorado or did we just like hike into a swiss alps or something?

I don't think we've changed continents.

How can tell anymore?

Fair. On the front of the door you see a very oak or some sort of heavy wood with reinforced iron bandings on it. Very cliche castle front door kind of vibe. And on the fronts of it are knockers. The knockers themselves are hands out stretched as if receiving an offering, not unlike how the eladrin herself held the sword you passed to her earlier, palms facing the sky, parallel to each other as if receiving an offering. And the rings of the knocker are nestled right along the knuckles hanging down below.

Who wants to knock?

I will knock him.

I'll knock one if you want to knock one.

Okay.

Yeah, I want the right one.

I'll take the left one.

Nice.

And Mel immediately goes for the right one.

No whatever. Just knock the thing.

Shortly after knocking, you hear a fairly heavy latch being unlatched inside the door with that fairly, fairly thick thunk. And the door opens up and you see a woman dressed in black from head to toe. Very. She feels very nut like. There is very, very little skin visible. She is wearing, she has a head covering, kind of like a nun has the hood. Unlike a traditional cliche. What's that Whoopi Goldberg movie?

Sister act.

Unlike the sister act nuns, where it's like starched.

Wimple is the word you're looking for.

I'm like, they're wimples that are starched and very stiffen. This one appears to be made out of more like silk, almost. It's a softer material, and it's not. It kind of drapes more to the skin. It's not standing firm, much like a nun. She does have the high necked bit that covers the hair as well under the hood. You can make that out. And also, unlike a cliche sister act nun's outfit, there's no white detailing. It is black all the way through. Yes, but other than those small details, this is obviously a nut. She answers the door and says, oh, you poor weary travelers. How may we be of assistance to you?

We, uh, we've been told that you might be able to assist us with an unusual problem. A curse, you might say.

Something is weighing heavy upon your souls, as if.

No, actually, it's not me. It's him. He's actually the problem on this one.

Yeah.

Weirdly enough, I wasn't intending to place.

Any oddly strange specification, but all right.

We're all the Lord's children. We can all benefit from a little saving grace now and again.

Oh, it's all right.

I get that a lot.

Kind of more of a literal curse. Yeah, like literally, like bit by a werewolf. Kind of cursed.

Can I do an insight check? Does she react at all to us mentioning werewolf like does that sound, like, unexpected to her?

Good roll.

Cause I'm still trying to figure out if these people are from our world or the other one.

Well, we were given the impression that they wouldn't think. They would think we were crazy, so I'm going for it.

17. She's not shocked by this. She doesn't look at you guys as if you've got another head growing out of your shoulders or something. You know, she is fairly poker faced.

Okay.

Now you are. You're quite far from any towns nearby. You must have undertaken quite the wait the trip to get here. Please, please come in. We're all the Lord's followers. We would like nothing more than to help alleviate your burdens.

You have a place for the Lord's horses?

We do have a place for the Lord's horses, but yours can we have. We have a stable. I will grab one of the. I will send someone to fetch one of the monks and they will stable your horses.

Ellie, we don't have Lord's horses. That sounds like we have just horses. They're different.

Yeah, I didn't steal them from the Lord. He let me have them. By the way, my companions are extraordinarily ruse. My name's Elliot Brandy Bain and this is Emery. The tall gal is Emery. And this is Melanin Kelly. And that's mister James O'Brien and Mister Paulnock. Bargain Johnson. And thank you for allowing us to come in. And sister, what is your name?

Please make your acquaintance, Mister Brandy Dane. My name is Sister Aether.

Thank you. Pleased to meet you. And thank you for taking. It hasn't been a terribly arduous journey, but it's been a bit long.

I'm glad it is getting near nightfall. I'm afraid there won't be much we can do for you tonight, but we can get you to some safe and warm, comfortable quarters, get a little food in your belly.

That'd be wonderfully appreciated.

We are on a little bit of.

A time constraint with our friend the werewolfed one.

Yes, that would be me.

We have been informed that we only have a few days to.

Had a few days? That was what, two days ago?

We've only got like one or two more days to the full moon.

We are nearing the full moon. Yes, that makes sense. We'll assume that your brusqueness is just the beast within. Is that. Is that the assumption that. Thank you.

You could, but you would be incorrect.

I'm just.

He was way before he got bit.

Oh, I'm kind of a dick, you know.

We have not yet entered the Lord's house. So I suppose we might as well get it out of our system while we can. Shank.

I will do my best.

I apologize in advance for my friend.

I mean no disrespect, if that makes any difference whatsoever. I'm sure it doesn't.

But I believe that you did not intend this. Yes. Please, let us. Let us get you to some quarters. And she leads you inside. It's pretty dark in here. They have candles trying to light the halls. But this is a stone hall, a cobbled stone hallway, so all of the. There's nothing to reflect the light in here. There's no polished surfaces, so it's pretty, pretty dark in here. You can see that there are very obviously, portraits on the wall. But even here, you're in the mountains now. Sunsets pretty fast. It does not take long. So it's already getting dark enough that you can tell there's pictures in frames. You can't really make it out. There's kind of like some dudes on the walls. You can't see any real detailing. They have very obvious banners periodically throughout the hallway. But same thing, it's dark. You can't really make anything out on them. But, man, if you didn't know any better, you're in medieval Europe.

Okay.

But she leads you. She leads you to the end of the hall, where there is a small stairway, takes you up to the second floor. And as she's walking, she says, this will be a little irregular. Typically, we have separate living quarters for the men in the women. But due to your. Your late arrival, I'm sure the high matron and patron would be forgiving of us, allowing you to share quarters tonight to disturb as few as possible. Most of us are doing our own genuflection and our nighttime prayers to prepare ourselves for sleep. She does. You do pass a couple of nuns on their way out the hall. Sister Aether does stop one and kind of whispers in her ear here. Yes, sister. She hurries off, very on purpose, but hurrys off down the distance. You can safely assume she's going to get up to stay with her horses. And Sister Aether brings you to a nice room. You open it up, and it's actually kind of en suite style. So you have a small living quarter, a small, like, living room quarter. You do see a more or less a restroom, a washroom with. There's a fairly large wash basin, washed basin with a hand pump. Hand pump on it. And there is an actual toilet in there and off of branching off there are four separate doors that open up into the rooms. Fresh linens in them. Well made, very, very plain. And there's not much in here of extravagance. But it's clean. It's warm. Sister. Either she does not enter the room with you. She lets you guys go in, stays at the door. It just says your horses will be tended to. They will be safely stabled. We will have your things brought up in the morning when one of the monks are awake and able to help carry your burdens up here.

Oh, we're happy to carry our.

We would not. We would not have you labor in our midst when we can ensure the burdens.

Okay, thank you.

And I will alert. I alert the wrong word that makes. I will inform the high patron and the high matron of your presence and we will have you join us for breakfast in the morning where we can better discuss your unique situation.

We appreciate it. Thank you.

If there is anything you need at all, we do. Suggestions to pull cordental. This does signal down to the cook room. There will be food up shortly, though it may not be the warmest. We ate a little while ago. We don't exactly have a room service normally, but if you have anything of extreme need, that should wake someone. But I think you will find that these lodgings are more than for the night.

Absolutely. We've been sleeping outside, so we appreciate it.

Thank you.

Absolutely. We're all the Lord's children. We're all under protection in this house and the Lord's house. I wish you a good evening. We will see you in the morning.

Can I ask a stupid question?

There are no stupid questions.

You haven't met me.

Don't challenge your words there. Absolutely. Maybe.

Which lord?

There.

You were right. That was indeed a stupid question.

Well, like, you know, nevermind, it's fine.

This is the Church of God and Jesus. Yes.

An obvious question.

Are we.

This is. This is a house of the Lords. Yes.

Okay. Thank you, Lord Pearl.

I feel like the travel has gotten to us. If you'll excuse my patriots, it's a.

Burst into flame when we came in, so that's.

Goodness, you know it's a church of all the Lords. All of them.

Yeah.

Yes.

Sure.

Yeah.

Cool.

If I was reading, I feel like we have. We have kept you. Thank you.

We appreciate your hospitality.

I am mildly surprised that the brashest one is picking up on this, but yes, it is a house of the Lords.

I can be good sometimes.

We will have you join us for breakfast in the morning. And if you should, just curious all of them.

All the lords? All of them, including yours, maybe.

You know what I'm gonna use. Mage hand invisible to Mel over the back of the head.

Sister Aether looks at you.

It was invisible. Oh, dear. I don't say that out loud.

We were just trying to alleviate the situation.

I'm gonna settle in, and we'll see you in the morning.

Sleep well. And she closes the door behind her, so.

Yeah, all of them, including the creepy black ones with oogly eyes.

You don't express doubt.

I wasn't expressing doubt. I was just curious to know what denomination. I wasn't expecting it to be eldritch, whatever the hell that means.

So we should maybe not use magic here.

Yeah. Yeah. She looked like she understood what I just did.

Well, it was rude.

You're asking stupid questions.

She is still.

I asked if I could ask a stupid question, and she said I could.

Just want to know whether or not you should have asked. You were allowed to. However, it was a bad idea.

This is also medically unacceptable.

Medically bad? Don't hit the concussed person in the head, please.

Her eyes didn't pop at her skull.

Those don't just go away.

But it's not. Well, concussion. How bad the concussion was, she was not playing out.

Yeah, I didn't do hit point damage. You're fine.

Okay. Yep.

If anything, I just knocked out the other cobwebs. Out your hair.

Ew.

So you do find that the sleeping quarters have a couple beds extra. There's two beds per room. There's four rooms. So you guys can hunker down however you would like. Is there anything particular this evening you would like to do before watches? Morning.

We're totally setting watches.

Absolutely. I don't trust this.

I'm also checking this place for secret entrances and exits. Because that's a thing, right?

Did anyone else find it odd that we. We couldn't carry our own things?

I'm just excited that we have axe.

Did they say anything about our weaponry?

No.

So we still have our weaponry? No, but I'm still.

I'm carrying a great axe. That's a great thing to carry in a church anyway.

Literally. But I am definitely checking this room for any kind of exits.

Exits. Okay. What's our watch order?

I'll take first.

Elliot's third.

I'm good with my normal morning watch.

I'll take a second if you want to take a night off, James.

Okay. Where I can double up if y'all are.

That's fair. That might not be a terrible idea. With me might being wolfing out.

Hopefully I don't.

Yeah, I will take a watch with ulnar, too. Make sure that he doesn't decide to. That's a good place to have a midnight snack.

We were told.

Enough with the. Eat the child.

He's not listening. Probably when we were there was.

It was four to five days, so you might turn into a wolf on Cinco de Mayo.

Sweet.

That's a great way to celebrate. Is anybody else picked? Make sure you're a werewolf of maracas.

I was thinking exactly that.

Alrighty. So let's. Emory.

Yes. Cool. Reception check.

Sure.

Okay.

What are you wanting to do?

I'm fixing all my clothes so they're the right size.

How are you making them longer?

I think. I think I've sacrificed, like, one shirt or something, and I'm just, like, elongating the hem of my pants and, like, stitching it onto the bottom of my other shirts. This is stuff I have done personally to make my pants longer out of character. This is a problem I have consistent.

You know, honestly, I think we need to combine forces. I'll cut the extra bits off of my clothes and give them to you to add on to yours. Yeah.

Okay. Interesting. Yeah, go ahead and roll a perception.

My perception would be my passive.

Okay.

I have rolled absolute garbage the last three times.

Perception.

It's been pretty rough. So, yeah. You are able to put some work into your clothing being more appropriately lengthened.

Cool. Cool. I'm sure I don't notice jack shit. Cause I roll terribly.

And none of you have a particularly awe inspiring passive.

No.

It'S not.

It's not the worst. I know, but it's not good.

We're not a wise group.

Yeah. I mean, it's. You know, it's. It's probably impressively quiet in here because it is thick stone walls everywhere. There's not an ounce of drywall in here. This is all heavy stone. So, I mean, the sounds you do here would be fairly echoey. In the room you're in, there's not a lot of. There's not, like, carpeting and stuff in here. It's pretty sparse. So the room. The room you're in would be fairly bright and loud, but you're not gonna hear even Olmach's snoring next door when you shut the door is muffled significantly.

Yeah. I think Emory is totally unnerved by this place in a lot of ways.

You do see what I will give you at the edge of. We'll say that you have a fairly long living room. And that the rooms are on the edges, the sides parallel each other. At the end, opposite the door, there's a window. At some point, I'm assuming you go to the window and you look out, what you do see from your window that you couldn't really see outside because you were just approaching a three story tall wall. Effectively, you're able to see that the building you're in is. Donuts are the theme of tonight. This one's a square doughnut. So you have a three story tall square doughnut with a standalone four or five story tall cathedral in the center. So you are looking out at the front of a fairly impressive, very gothic style cathedral. All sorts of excessive decoration on just about every possible inch of this building. Spinnerets and all the things. There's some gargoyles, there's some grotesques. There's. You can tell it's stained glass. Again, it's dark, so you can't tell what it's a picture of, but very elaborate cathedral. And you could tell that there's maybe 50 yards from your window to the front door, but I'll give you that for free.

Yeah. There's no one moving around or anything.

You can see the occasional lamp led individual. You do see, you hear, when you go up to the window, you do hear some animal noises. You can tell that there is livestock quarters. You can't see them. You can kind of hear when you get up, right up on the window.

Cool.

You do see they'd have to take them around. So you don't see anybody leading your horses. But you didn't see anywhere for the horses to get through.

Yeah.

But you do see the occasional nun and the occasional what you assume to be a monster.

It's really creepy. Cause they're all wearing robes and they're all wearing black. They're all covered lanterns in the dark.

So it would look not unlike a lot of grim reapers.

Yeah, I don't think she spends long standing at the window.

And when I say a lot, I mean, for the duration of your watch, you see like four. Yeah, like, it's not a lot, but they do have an eeriness to them. None of them. You don't see anybody. Just kind of like cruising and chilling. They're all walking with purpose and intent, and you see the majority of them at the start of your watch. You don't really see they drop anybody for the last hour there.

It's getting late. Cool. I think Olmack was second watch.

Yep. Olnach and James.

Cool.

Which I feel safe, assuming you're sharing a watch. You shared a room too?

Sure, yeah.

They're definitely not sharing a room with Jacob because he's scared of them now, so he's probably sharing with Elliot.

Why is he scared of me? All right. Cuz I talked about punching him in.

The face and I talked about eating him.

I'm gonna go knock on their door. It's alarmingly loud in how quiet of a room it is.

You hear something heavy being moved out of the way and door creaks open. Oh, it's you.

It's your watch, guys. Cool.

Actually, despite the age of this building, you don't have the hinges creek at all. They're very.

Well, I made the sound for nothing.

I just wanted to make sound. It felt wrong not to.

That is one thing you're noticing. Everything you touch is of superb quality.

Well maintained.

Yes, very diligently maintained.

Nothing happened on my watch, but I don't like this place. Yeah, I don't like the vibe here.

Nothing significant.

There's a, if you look out the window, there's a cathedral. Yeah. Anyway, good night.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the, nevermind spider dogs.

I'm not thinking about those. Thank you.

That's why I didn't say it. And I closed the door.

You closed the door to your room? You're in your room or do you go out in the room, leave the.

Room and close the door?

Oh yeah, yeah.

We're gonna go watch. We're gonna do the watch.

I'm not doing the watch now.

I will be out momentarily.

All right. What are you two doing?

I am investigating the room.

All right. Roll investigation.

Cool. Specifically looking for entrances, exits, other ways to get in. Spooky like peepee holes. Okay, sorry.

You do find a. I'll give you, you find the pee pee hole for free. He's right next to the watch base.

Pee ping. Sorry, that's not exactly better anyway, like holes and pictures for like the eyes anyway. Investigation.

Scooby Doo fucking.

That's exactly it. That is a 23.

23. All right, 20.

Three's tonight.

Describe exactly how you're moving about the room.

Probably just running my hands along the walls, looking underneath tables, if there's tables, looking like, if there's any furniture and whatnot. Just like looking around, checking like the ceiling, checking behind pictures. If there's pictures of the wall turning down this room, as you're checking pictures.

You do find that they are all, they're not hung on the wall. They are secured to the wall.

Ahh.

So you're not able to, you know, they're not like a cliche picture that's got the nice little picture wire on the back that you hang it on. They are fixed to the wall, and as you're looking over one of them, the eyes do follow you.

I'm gonna go back and forth, up, down.

They're watching you.

Not extraordinarily unusual for this type of building, actually. I used to make paintings like that that would follow you through the room. And it's terrifying and creepy. But I saw one at the Vatican.

It's true. It's a way of painting.

They're tripping.

The way the shadows fall. It looks like the eyes are following.

I hate to sound like a cliche, but this picture's looking at me.

I'm gonna roll a perception to see if I noticed.

Uh, well, you'll notice because he told you you can investigate it if you want to.

Just kind of. I want to investigate.

Go for it.

So I think it's a negative one.

Again, they're. They're confidently following you.

Okay, can I, like, knock on the picture to see if it, like. So does, like, what kind of sound does it make? Like a hard, rapping sound.

You're not hitting canvas. You feel canvas, but there is something directly behind the canvas. It is not stone.

It's fine. I didn't see shit other than it's following me.

And when you knock the eyes back up, that's weird as fuck.

Okay, that's fun.

What else are you doing as you're. You got a 23? What else are you doing while you're investigating?

Ah, I was probably like, like. Yeah. Running my hands against the walls, seeing if there's any, like, like any kind of indent that would push in, checking for, like, airflow on the wall. That's unnatural.

You are confident that you don't find any hidden entrances. The only entrance to this room is the one you came through.

Okay. No secret tunnels.

Secret tunnel.

Yeah, exactly.

That reminds me of a song.

And I'll check the ground and whatnot as well.

For the ground is similar. It's cobbled everywhere. There are. There's not like a couch, but there's a couch sized, like, bench in the room. There's none of the furniture in the living areas specifically is anything that you could really hide anything behind.

Gotcha.

And, you know, from the time you spent in your room, there is a modest bureau and a chest of drawers. And the beds are very simple. Like, there's a very, very simple wooden bed frame with a mattress on it. Right. So there's not a lot of. There's not a lot of hiding behind furniture that can be done.

Gotcha.

Anything else you're wanting to look at? I can't think of anything.

I pretty much covered my bases for, like, ways for people to get, like, a surprise attack.

Yeah. The only. The only entrance. The painting's scary. Uh huh. When the eyes backed up, there's holes where they should have been. But the only entrance to this room is the door. The door. The front. The door.

Got you.

And I'll even assume that you've extended this into your sleeping room.

Yeah, I was just about to say that as well.

There's no sign of a sneak passage in the sleeping quarters either.

Okay.

Without running the risk of waking everybody else up, you can't investigate theirs. But you do know, before everybody went to bed, the sleeping quarters were all pretty much identical.

I can't, like. Like, go into the room and, like. Like, toss the mattress. Excuse me?

Take a move.

I mean, you could, but you will.

Get stabs.

And that's coming from the non murderous one.

While he is tired, I'm assuming you're also with a 23. You're doing this in a fashion that's gentle. Yeah, we joke. You're not actually flipping the furniture.

You're being very. Yeah, and I'm putting things back exactly the way I found it.

You are confident that if somebody were to follow behind you, they'd have no clue that you did that. You're also noticing, again, just to reinforce how well maintained this is, there is not an ounce of dust. This is an immaculate room.

And that picture, real quick, there was no hinges or anything that if I try to push on that picture, nothing gives a wall.

While he is thoroughly investigating the room. What is Olmacht doing?

Olnack is trying to walk the perimeter and just see if he can feel for anything unusual, like anything that just kind of raises an alarm in his head. So I guess that would be another perception check.

Yeah. We'll have you roll perception for yours.

Nine.

Nine. Okay. You very similar to Miss Emery. Yeah, it's a gorgeous view. You're confident during the daytime. It's an awe inspiring view.

Right?

Because out the window you're in, you're. You would even have the backdrop of the mountains behind it, behind that cathedral. It's probably stunning.

Yeah. Nothing feels unusual, but no, you.

Not for a nine. With that, I'm not gonna let have you roll a perception because you are so fixatedly, actively searching.

Right.

And that will bring Elliot's watch and.

Never during any of that time did those eyes come back.

No.

Okay, cool. So I'll go up to.

If you double back, what you do see is that the painting's eyes are back. Ah.

Gotcha.

The holes are gone.

Different corneas.

Mmm.

Interesting.

All right, well, you never heard anything silent. Okay.

I hate that so much.

To Elliot's room. Knock on the door.

Yeah.

Hey, it's your watch.

Anything happened?

You did see that piece of artwork?

Yeah.

It's fixed to the wall and there was somebody watching us. Like those eyes that you see, right there were not the eyes that were watching us. They were full on tracking our movements. Until I knocked on the painting and.

The eyes backed off, which is strange.

Weird as hell.

Yes.

But nothing else unusual. Yeah. Everything oddly feels on the up and up.

Did you check the door? Are we locked in here? Can we get out?

I did not check that.

Okay, thank you. Yeah, get some sleep. So almost immediately, Elliot's gonna go ahead and walk up to the door into these rooms, and he's gonna. In the tactical world, they got a soft check. He just wants to see if it's locked.

It is.

And I don't see any way from our side to unlock it.

Correct. There is no keyhole. There is just a knob. Hmm.

This concerns Elliot weird.

Justifiably so.

And I thought that'd be comforting. That's why I put it in here.

He's gonna go. He's gonna go.

Liar.

Roll on. Insane.

I don't need to.

Elliot wants to pull one of his arrows out of his pack or out of his quiver.

Okay.

And he wants to take the arrow and he wants to gently balance it across the door handle. The purpose of this is if someone else opens the door, he wants the arrow to fall down and make a noise.

It's kind of like the same as draping string.

Right. But yeah. I want it to make an audible noise that if somebody tries to open the door, I want it to clatter.

Perfect. Yes. And these are excellently made arrows, so we'll say that was no difficulty.

Okay.

They're consistently balanced.

After he sets that up, he's gonna go sit down in the middle of the room. And he's done this in the past, and so he's gonna attempt to recreate it, and he's gonna sit down quietly and he's going to cast primeval awareness using a spell slot.

That's your detector, the shit nearby one. Yes. Okay.

Um. So within, because I'm in mountains, within. This gives me. Within 6 miles, I'm not that interested. That far out. I'm more interested here in this building. And this will give me the presence of aberrations, celestials, dragons, elementals, fae fiends and undead.

They're all dragons.

I don't need a list. Just like are any of these here? And what are within you do not.

Detect any of those. You hint of green coming out of his room.

Okay.

Or I guess lime into lime coming out of his room. And I mean, you get a kind of fayish pops out on the borders of your perception. But nothing. Nothing here.

Okay.

A little bit of brown, a little bit of. But nothing nearby.

Okay. That's what I'm gonna do for my watch since I can't go outside.

And your primeval awareness, that's a meditative thing? Is that how you described it? Okay. How long does it take an action? Okay. So that immediate. You ping it out there.

I ping it out there.

So the rest of your time you just. Cause you got what, 2 hours? Yeah. And that was 6 seconds. So you're just listening, observing.

I don't have much else I can do.

Let's have a.

Basically gonna be sitting very quietly, mostly listening.

Let's have a perception.

22. Nat 20.

You here.

Stuff. Great perception, Chad.

That's as good as I can do.

That's more stuff than anybody else has heard.

Right?

I hate all of this so much. It is so creepy.

We just fought fucking a giant spider person, and this is what's giving us creeps.

This is worse.

All right.

The spider person was just a spider person. This is people, like, watching us that have locked us into our room.

I don't know. I almost breaked my pants with the spider person, so I was pretty scared.

You do hear muffled. Um. You're pretty positive it's the sound of, uh, screaming pain?

Oh, that's not ideal.

It sounds. It's coming most obviously from the window. You're hearing it. When you want ear laps, you hear it kinda. And you press your ear towards the window. You can even actually open this window. It's a small window, Jacob. Maybe could squeeze through it kind of thing.

How high up are we?

Second floor. And it's one of those, like, I've seen them in TikToks that Germany apparently has where they kinda angle hinge from the top out a little bit.

They're called awning windows.

They're awning windows. It's one of them. So it can maybe come out to like that 20 degree angle before the little metal arm in the bottom stops it from going further and you hear it a bit better when you do that. It does sound as though it's coming vaguely from maybe the cathedral, but it is. It's fairly. Even with the window open, it's still fairly muffled. It's not like there's somebody getting murdered in the courtyard.

Okay, just in the cathedral.

In the basement of the cathedral.

And that brings us to Mel's watch.

I'll go gently knock on Mel's door.

I actually feel like at this point, with everything that's happened, instead of rising sleepily, Mel, like, leaps up out of bed. What?

Huh?

Who's killing us now?

No, Mel, quiet.

What? Huh?

We're being. It's your watch.

Oh, okay, cool.

We're being observed in this room. He explains what James told him about the paintings.

Okay. Creepy paint.

Got it.

I will tell her that we're locked in.

We're what?

We're locked in. The door won't open.

You fucking what? Now.

I'm not gonna give her a description because she's jumpy enough as it is. I'll tell her. I heard some noises from out the window. Sounded like it came from the cathedral. And I did that thing where I. There's no fae. I don't think there's any undead around. I think that these are just. Mostly just people.

So are we. That's not reassuring.

I'm just. I'm just letting you know so if you need. If something comes up or you need some help, don't hesitate to wake us all up.

No problem. If I need you, I'll just scream.

That will work quite effectively. Thank you.

Sleep well.

I'm going to try.

I'm glad I'm not sleeping anymore tonight.

If Emory knew any of this, she would not be.

Ugh.

All right.

Oh, and I tell her about the arrow that I placed on the door handle. And I explained to her why it's there and why it's. Why.

Oh, yeah, no, just like setting bells in hotel rooms. Like, I get it. It's a woman thing. Don't ask.

Okay.

I can confirm that because not a single male at the table has any clue what you're talking about.

Basically, it's setting. Basically setting traps like that on sketchy hotel rooms so that if anyone tries to break in, it wakes you up.

That is very depressing.

I've never stayed in a hotel. Yeah, like, I've stayed. I've never stayed in a hotel sketchy enough to where I would actually feel the need to do that. But I know that they exist, and I know that it's not uncommon for women to do that.

I leave that little, like, latch thing so when. If they open the door a little bit, it stops it. So I can freak out when I hear the slap.

Yeah. You know, it's funny, I always close those when I, like, settle in for the night, and then I always forget I've done it in the morning. So I always do the, like, bang. Oh, fuck that. Every time.

They usually use, like, little eight tack screws. So they don't really actually secure the door.

They don't kick the door. It'll make noise, but, yeah, no.

If.

You'Re in a sketchy situation, you'll essentially set, like, a glass jar or, like, a can or something in front of the door. So if anybody did break in, they would trip over it and it would make noise.

Are you just home alone?

The hotel room, essentially just the door. You still want to be able to escape if you have, like, a fire or something. You just don't want anybody unwanted getting in anyway.

All right, on that.

So Mel gets a note.

What does Mel do on her?

After having I heard several disturbing pieces of intel, Melanin is probably gonna pace a little bit, and she's intrigued by this whole house of Lords thing and is kind of trying to figure that out in her brain. I would like to do either an arcana or a history check to see if I have any kind of anything that I might be able to understand that either from my current new abilities or my previous life.

If there's ever been a moment for one. This is a religion check.

I know that's not what I asked for.

She says, I don't want to fucking do that.

I'm not proficient in that. I have history of.

You can give me a history. It'll change the type of information you have access to.

That's fine. But lots of actually making that okay. Or higher. That is 21 for 21.

History check. You have absolutely heard houses of worship being referred to as houses of the Lord. You know that historically the Lord does translate to Jesus or God sometimes, yes, because of the holy Trinity. Confusing bit. But as a non practitioner, don't fully grasp. You've never heard of it referred to as a plural. They're usually more referred to as a singularity between the three of them. So the plurality of the Lord's plural is odd.

Does she think there's any likelihood that, like, bye, lords, plural. Like, maybe there could be something going on from this other dimension that, like, is there any chance that, like, they actually worship like, creatures similar to the one that is her patron, like, are like the old gods.

Just because you were rolled real high on that will say that you know that polytheism is a concept, for sure. You're aware of polytheistic religions. You know that nuns do not typically subscribe to a polytheistic religion. All of the architecture and everything you've seen lines up with typically, the catholic faith. Architecturally, this strikes you as an old catholic church from Europe.

Okay, so essentially, I'm still confused.

Yes. You have nothing to draw on that makes this make 100% sense.

Okay. At some point, when that line of thinking starts to bore her, uh, can I try making a perception check to see if I hear any more muffled noises that Elliot didn't tell me about?

Yes, I think that makes absolute sense that you would be actively percepting, I.

E. Jumpy as a fuck.

1414.

We'll say for your.

For me. That's fantastic.

You're drawn to the window. At some point, what you do see is a couple of. You're able to assume they're monks. You saw the nun's wardrobe. This is different. It's still cloaked. They're just kind of beefier. Earlier than the nun was, she was fairly slight. So you see two monks, one of which has a lantern in one hand, and there is a nun between them. They appear to be helping her back into the sleeping quarters on the side that you are in. So they're helping her kind of into your part of the building. Again, you're on the second floor, so they're down below you. But.

That'S weird.

Helping her. Her as in, like, supporting her, like she's struggling on her own or just like, walking with her.

Yeah. They have each got one arm under her arm, kind of helping her back in. It doesn't appear hurried. And it doesn't appear nothing you're seeing would strike you because you haven't heard the screaming. This doesn't strike you as malicious? You. You could see this being something that friends would help somebody back. They're not. She's not struggling against them or anything along those lines.

Okay. At some point, Mal will go back over and stare at the painting as if daring it to stare back at her.

And the painting does nothing appear to be interested in a staring contest at this time.

Okay.

Painting wins.

At some point, she'll get bored with that too, and go sit down on the knot couch. I don't know. She might try some yoga full time's sake. But I feel like art's just not in it anymore.

About partway through right as the sun's starting to rise, Jacob comes out and joins you.

Yes, we gotta keep stretched if we're gonna keep riding horses.

And as the sun rises, you get a view of just an absolutely gorgeous sunrise coming through that window, cresting over the top of the mountains that are backdropping the cathedral that's right across. And it is objectively stunning. Shortly after the sun has fully risen, there is a knock at your door. The main door. The door that leads to the hallway.

I will go up to the door and remove the arrow from the knob and then just politely say, come in with. As if I didn't know I couldn't get out.

Perfect. The door opens, and sister Aether is there.

Good morning, sister.

Good morning. I hope. I hope you slept well. I hope you found that our accommodations were satisfactory.

They were very comfortable.

I'm glad. We're excited. We are looking to start having some guests on. On a more regular basis. There's a lot of turmoil in the world, and we hope to be able to help as many as we can. So you are our guinea pig, so to speak.

I know. Thank you.

You know, honestly, I appreciate your hospitality, and we're very grateful for whatever assistance you can give us with the issue that we are having. But, I mean, unfortunately, if we can resolve that, we will most certainly not be staying, as we are on a mission of sorts to improve situations, if at all, at our disposal. So it will be for a short time.

We all have our own work to accomplish.

Yes, I understand. And we absolutely are servants of many lords, separately and together, who we will. That is a unique phrasing in her head. She's vividly picturing her patron, who is both separately and together, depending on how angry in the conversation.

So I do not wish to cut this conversation short, but it appears as though most of your compatriots are still sleeping. I will be back in about 30 minutes or so to bring you down for food. I just need to go alert the kitchen staff that we will have a couple more mouths to feed this morning.

Okay.

I will be back shortly.

I will wake everyone up, and we'll be ready when you return.

Fantastic. With that, she closes the door again, and she presumably goes to go tell kitchen staff things.

So I'm gonna wait about a minute. Like, I'm gonna actually stand there and count to a full 60 seconds, and then I'm gonna try to open the door again.

It doesn't open.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

You didn't hear any clicking.

Yeah, I didn't think I would. Jacob, would you like to go politely wake up Emery and I will wake up James and Olnach? Not so politely. And then we can draw straws on who's brave enough to wake up Elliott.

Miss Emery, it's breakfast time. The nice nun lady said she's gonna go tell him to cook food for us.

Cool.

Jacob's too pure for this world.

He's eight.

Don't trust her too much, buddy.

I'll go over.

She was lying about breakfast.

I don't think she's lying about breakfast. I think she might be other things.

I will take your word, ma'am. You're smarter.

I'll go.

I'm not waking the guys.

I know. I go up to James and Ollock's room, and then I message them from the door.

Son of a. Man.

Don't do that shit, man. Good morning. Oh, that's cruel.

And now she's gotten even for them. Scaring Jacob.

That's fantastic.

Theater of the mind is Jeremy Archden as Elliot Brandi bank, who's a damn pine fella? I might Amanda Arston as Melanie Kelly, who is not nearly as short as we all say she is Michael Bernal as Olnockbaga Johnson. We still don't know what's store with his middle name. Michael Downs is James O'Brien. He's sketchy watching Casey Warngarten as Emery Lee. She's as tall as she described herself. And Mike Schock as your dungeon master. He's an all right fella, too. We release new episodes every two weeks, so our next episode will release on August 4. If you want to follow us, our social media and website can be found on our link tree, which can be found in the podcast description. Also in the podcast description, you can find a link to Pinecast as well as our referral codes to get you 40% off your first four months of a paid membership, as well as our referral link to epidemic sound, which gets you a one week trial period to their excellent platform. The music this week was sourced from epidemic sounds, who we are not sponsored by under the Creative Commons license. The songs used in order are charcoal.

Blues by Will Harrison I can't sleep instrumental version by Mister Kent and Ruby Red Dead Man's blues by Roy Williams I am Better off acoustic version by Wildsong Just Enough by Isabelle Walton undercurrent by Harper Ray broken string drone radioactive drone drone bass pulse low rumble zero two mystical drone all in the sound effects library along the river by King Peaks opaque by Heath Contu Erie high pitch arri large, short, spooky. Mid high pitch machine. High pitch electricity. Musical, scary, high pitched drone. Reverberant. Long, musical, high pitched tones and granulated high pitch. Also from the sound effects library. And friends make the worst enemies by.

Xperia, the theater of the mind theme intermission and outro were written by Mike Schalk. Again, a fine fella. Don't know what an outro is. Theater of the mind is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business places, events, weather, moon phases, and the tides and incidents are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. I used to. I hate to admit, when I was running tools, I used to stop and pick up hitchhikers sometimes. Actually, if they weren't hitchhiking, I would usually stop and pick them up. I was coming from Baggs into Craig.

It's called kidnapping.

No, I was coming from Baggs to Craig. And if you've ever been down that road, it was right at the state line. And there's a dude. And it was in the evening. It was probably about four in the evening. It was late. And this guy's walking down the road, and I'm like, he ain't gonna get nowhere in time before it gets dark.

You're picking up the people that resigned themselves to the fate of walking.

I just pulled over, and I just said, hey, bud, you want a ride? And he's like, uh, actually, that. That one, that watercolor painting. He's one that gave me that.

Oh.

I'm like, you want a ride? He's like, actually, that would be great. He's like, yeah, yeah, I. He says, I wasn't hitchhike. I'm like, I'm not gonna if you don't want to. I says, I've been by myself, like, 14 hours, and I wouldn't mind somebody to talk to. And he's like, oh, sure. So, well, now I just. You stink. And he's like, no, I'm doing pretty good right now. Jump in. Throw your shit in. And so I bought him. I bought him supper. We got to rifle, and I bought him supper.

Yeah, you see, I've watched too many forensic files to ever pick up a hitchhiker.

Watch too many horror movies.

I'm a woman you automatically disqualified from ever picking up hitchhikers.

I've thought about it a couple times, and I'm like, you just never know.

Yeah.

The only hitchhiker I ever saw, I almost took out because she was standing in my lane.

Oh, hey.

You might be a hitchhiker you're 1000% terrifying.