S1:E73 – Ray Ray

Theater of the Mind podcasts are intended for mature audiences. Listener discretion is advised. Content warnings can be found in the podcast description. Welcome to Theater of the Mind Presents Retribution, episode number 73. My name is Mike. I'm your dungeon master in this week's special episode. From the Ultimate RPG Campfire Card Deck by James Bonawiz. If you had to spend a massive fortune in one week, but only on temporary experiences and consumable goods, how would you spend it?

Okay, so first, Mel would go and get her hair done and her nails done and then go some clothes shopping and then rent a yacht and then go spend the week out like on the ocean in the yacht and maybe do some water skiing. And ooh, some whale watching and scuba diving and eat really, really, really good food.

That was Amanda, by the way.

Sounds like a party.

I would not get my hair done. I would not go clothes shopping. I would rent a yacht and go scuba diving, though.

And the books don't count as temporary.

That's why— well, that Mel—

Mel wouldn't—

books could be temporary. Mel wouldn't do books. I would do books.

I'm Jeremy. I'm playing Elliott Brandybane, and Elliott Brandybane only has one possible answer to this question, and that's hookers and blow.

Hookers and blow. All right.

That's it. That's the only way he could possibly answer that question.

Elliott's secretly a GTA character, right?

For one week. It was one week. That was it. You had to do it as much, as fast as you could. That's it.

Well, yeah, you need the blows so that you can have more hookers.

Elliot would have a heart attack, but he would die happy.

Satisfied anyway.

You can't forget the tiramisu also.

That was the really, really good food was the tiramisu, but—

But the tiramisu fits right in with the hookers and blow.

Only because we just did research on this. Incidentally, I suggest you Google the origin of tiramisu and this will make much more sense.

Oh, that's what we did this entire time.

Okay. Tiramisu.

We didn't do research on hookers.

I, well, I— I—

I definitely did research on hookers.

Yeah, you did, that's fair.

But I did searching too.

Where the creator of tiramisu came from, we didn't know that until today.

Which is why we know that Elliott will be eating lots of tiramisu.

Makes that cake go from classy to pimp.

Hell yeah.

But it's delicious regardless.

I am Brunel playing Olnoch Varga Johnson. Oh, Olnoch. would spend copious amounts of money on top-end liquor. However, again, is this post-apocalypse or pre-apocalypse?

Pre.

Pre-apocalypse, because money was a thing.

Yeah.

So yeah, copious amounts of top-shelf liquor. Gotta be on a cruise while we're doing it.

Fuck yeah.

And it's one of those, like, you go all year, right? Like, you said a disgusting amount of money. Those are expensive.

Yeah.

I would rent a yacht, but—

I guess that counts as an experience, yeah.

Yeah, Mel rented all these yachts.

Cruises are experiences.

You spent it in a week.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll take it. You spent the money in a week and it just took a year to finish receiving the benefit.

Yes, 'cause that's how those work. You buy the ticket and then you're on the thing and I'm out of money 'cause I fucked up and I went way too hard, way too early. I ended up being on the boat a lot. It was kind of like a Navy cruise. I couldn't fucking leave the boat 'cause I didn't have any damn money.

I feel like that's exactly what would happen to Olmog if he tried to go on a trip. It said all-inclusive. Where's my all-inclusive?

That's all I can do now. I can eat and I can look from the ocean at the place I would like to go see, but I don't have any money now.

So Olmog blew all of his money to join the Navy.

Yes. The second time.

A lot less chores this time.

Yeah.

But you're probably towards the end almost begging for Give me a fucking job.

Give me something to do.

You also do—

It's been 358 days.

I'll clean the fucking toilets. I need a job.

You ended up in the engine room going, all right, I can— there's got to be something to fix down here.

I can fix something. Point me at some sort of electronic or something.

So you're over here following the sounds. That engine's tuned just a little bit off. You guys should fix— no, it's that way. Twiddle it right there.

If you do not leave the restricted area, I'm going to have to take you.

Please.

Do it.

He will tase you again.

It'll be a change of pace. Go for it.

Need some variety in this game.

I just want to live.

I think what we have just proven by this conversation is not one of us should ever go on a cruise.

Yeah. Hi, I'm Dounce and I'm playing James O'Brien. And James would absolutely—

Go on a cruise?

No, actually, it is kind of similar. He's going to take first-class trips on aircraft to different countries to try the different foods and whatnot. Bankroll himself through culinary school.

Yeah.

Get a better one this time.

Take a lot of upfront planning to pull that off in a week.

Yeah. James is over here doing—

He's over here, I missed this.

Here I carry.

Here I carry.

That's all, it's a bribe to get his degree.

Yep.

Haha, I did the coursework. I got caught changing the grades. Here's a bunch of money. Give me my degree.

Yep, pretty much.

All right, I'm Casey and I play Emery Lee, and I think Emery would spend a lot of money doing the VIP backstage experience with all of her favorite bands.

Nice.

And also probably book out a gallery somewhere.

Nice.

display all her art like a good gallery. Yeah. It's gonna get attention.

Nice.

And then hopefully walk away from that week with some sales.

Yeah? What band? What's the band?

Oh, that's a great question.

Probably something current, like AC/DC.

I said at the beginning that she listens to a lot of like punk and that flavor, but that's not what I listen to anymore, so I don't remember.

Does Emery listen to MCR?

She probably did. Maybe she'd bankroll a new, like, MCR tour.

Do the real When We Were Young tour that doesn't cost a fucking metric shitload. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Rebring the old school vibe. That's definitely, that's definitely like one of the bands that's on her list.

Nice. Nice. Paramore's still got it. Yeah. Yeah.

That'd be a good one to go see.

Hayley Williams is taking care of her voice. She can still sing.

Absolutely.

She's working on a solo project. Doing solo, and they're still producing.

Okay.

They're still they're still fucking.

Her solo stuff's very different.

It's oh yeah weird in my opinion.

Didn't hate it, but I didn't love it personally.

Yeah. It's it's a it's a departure for sure.

Yeah, it's very very different.

Good.

Sorry.

Sorry. Fucking same. Uh yeah. She's still awesome.

No, we just.

really different and I didn't immediately enjoy it. Yeah, it's stuff that I guarantee would just grow on me if I played it a little more.

So let me guess, Jacob's gonna get a Nintendo Switch and all the games.

Yes. Yeah, that's, that's, uh, 3 answers in a row for Jacob. Um, yeah, no, he would absolutely, absolutely get himself a good gaming console. Um, he's young enough that it's not gonna be—

He's going PS5.

Yeah.

If he's got an unlimited amount of money to spend, he's going PS5.

Yeah, Pro. Pro tier with the like memory that allows you to have more than 2 games at a time.

That's really exciting.

Which is what, like a 6 terabyte fucking hard drive to handle?

Yeah.

Handle like 4 games or more.

There's some games that are running like, like GTA 5 alone is like 150 gigs.

He's not old enough for that.

Things have gotten way—

No, I mean With the amount of stuff that he's seen IRL.

Yeah, he'll be fine.

He's old enough now.

Yeah.

I think there's more sex in GTA than he has seen in real life.

I've not seen that.

Yeah.

We definitely need to make sure that he does not go on Elliott's vacation.

Yeah, he's— Elliott's— yeah, Jacob is not going. Jacob can come with Mel. We can go scuba diving together. It'll be fine.

To go on your cruise? Olnox cruise sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Yeah.

Stuck on a boat for a year.

It'll be fine, Jacob.

We'll get your hair done.

Jacob comes back with a perm.

You trick him into the manicure because you're like, it's a man.

Yeah.

You're a man, right?

You just get a clear polish on, or you could go edgy and do like black.

And then he's all set to go in the MC export.

Exactly. See, we'll just pass him around, but we'll mysteriously leave him out of these too.

pampering day and walk away looking really fucking punk.

Try to trick them back into the emo fringe.

Yeah, exactly.

Trust me, it's not a phase.

Mel just misses her hair not having weird stains from all of the ick.

That's fair, that's fair.

Is that gonna be one of the first things Mel does if civilization returns, is get her hair redone?

Yes.

Let's go ahead and roll for recap on our super hard to roll remember episode. I rolled a 3.

8. 13.

Also 13.

15.

13. Oh, wow.

Wow.

That's a lot of 13s.

It's the first episode into Appalachia and we are rolling triple 13s.

Ooh.

That's scary.

Whoever rolled an 8?

That'd be Elliott.

2 Elliotts in a row.

2 Elliotts.

Weird energy. Weird energy.

All right, Elliott.

Elliott's 4th recap.

Ever. Ever.

And 2 in the same night.

Triple 13s.

Yeah.

Oh.

Don't want that. So they gathered up their forces from the dragon encounter and skedaddled east. Found an abandoned equipment shed to rest up in, and there was some, there was some heartfelt discussions with the group through the watches. And in the morning, Brad, Kay, and Em chose to continue east. They have family somewhere. So we're going to escort them to their family in the mountains, and the decision was to drop them off and then we would continue our quest to defeat Amoritar in Boston, Massachusetts.

Beautiful. So yeah, we are in deep Appalachia, quickly deepening. Appalachian-ly. And Carbondale is one of those towns that's a town because it has a post office, not because it's a town.

Gotcha.

Most people would be like, oh, there's a farm, at most. It has a population Oh, that's a road.

It has a road.

Yeah, it has one of those. Um, it has 2 of them. Carbondale Road and Mine Road.

Wow.

Um, is this your road? Yes, it's my road.

Um, but again, you guys are trudging through. It's pretty— getting pretty, pretty hilly. Um, not quite full-on Mountainous yet, but definitely getting into some foothills territory here. And immediately, like, as soon as you step off the road out of the maintained area, it's just a wall of green everywhere you're looking, bordering on almost claustrophobic. How you're fighting through This, unless— until you're able to find game trails. And even the game trails, there's just so much plant everywhere. But the town of Carbondale itself is not terrible. You know, it's— well, the roads are in good shape. The people seem happy and friendly. They definitely all like 7 of them.

How happy and friendly?

You know, normal people. Not like, hehehe, newcomers! And actually, as soon as Brad steps out, all 7 townsfolk are like, oh, Brad!

Hi! Nice to see you, uncle brother cousins.

Exactly.

In that order.

You nailed it. That's 100%. Like, oh, that's Billy Bob and his uncle brother Jeffrey.

Jeffrey Joe.

Jeffrey Joe.

Jeffrey Joe.

Jemima's their mama.

Jemima Jane.

We call her Jemima.

But it's getting close to the end of the night. Or the end of the day, the start of the day. That transition period that we call evening.

That is how that works, yes.

The more you know.

Yeah, that is how time works, in case you were curious listeners.

Good job.

Nailed it.

I am human. I sound human. I did a human. They'll never know.

In our defense, it was fucking hot today, so our brains are still fried.

It's been hot for fucking weeks.

Yeah.

Weeks.

And I watched 32 hours of training videos this week.

Oh, so you're just scrambled.

I'm so bored. Brain fried jelly.

Brain's just mush.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you make it to their Their little, I guess you call it kind of their farm. But again, we're deep forest here. There's farm vibes. It feels the same kind of energy as Elliott's ranch did. There's just no open land to work. They've got the farm tools, but—

If farm vibe, where be farm?

And they're being chill. They definitely are open and kind of— I don't know the word, not eager necessarily, but they're being a little— you guys really probably should stay the night before you continue on your way.

Why?

We'll feed you. We got good— we got places you can sleep, equipment sheds and all those good things. We should probably stay the night, yeah?

What's outside?

Well, sweetie... This is an older lady talking to you. We'll say it's Jemima. Jemima's talking to you. Well, sweetie, you don't travel after dark in the Appalachians.

Was that advice before or after the apocalypse?

I feel like that's a general, because if you heard it, no, you didn't, you just go away.

That big fella there, he knows what he's on about. We should stay the night.

Considering that we are going to be traveling that way and we'll probably be camping in the wilderness for a while, maybe we should have one last night I'm going to do an Insight check.

Go for it, roll Insight.

Okay.

I kind of figured since we're in the Appalachians, that's probably a good idea.

I mean, I was kind of planning on it.

You know, we're in the woods, dude.

And I wasn't suspicious of it until they insisted.

Yeah.

Right?

That is a 22.

She's not trying to trap you.

Oh, okay.

That's good.

That's genuine Appalachian vibes.

Okay.

Like, we should probably take the hospitality while we can get it. And I'll be honest, I don't really feel like traveling any further today.

That's fair.

How are your bruises?

Bad.

They hurt so bad.

I used Frostbite on myself like 3 times just trying to get it to help, but it's not.

I offered to offer the hot portion of the Icy Hot.

You can't just firebolt your friends.

The ice feels a lot better.

James, we don't firebolt our friends.

And that's why I didn't do it. I just offered to do it.

We can, uh, we can get a— we can fire up the, the grill pit out back, get you guys—

We got some good hunting I mean, we've got some giant squirrels.

Oh yeah, they're big ones. They're big ones out here. Ain't no denying that out here. They're big ones. Yeah, you guys are welcome to set up shop out here. Make yourselves comfortable. We pretty well had the equipment shed cleared out. Thank you for bringing Ray and his family.

You're welcome.

Brad and his family.

Ray.

Ray.

Ray Bradbury.

Ray Bradbury.

Understandable. That's the author. His full name is like—

Could very well be his nickname.

Yeah, Ray.

Ray Ray.

That's his middle name. His name's Brad Ray Burry.

Yeah, yeah.

Brad Ray Burry.

Ray Ray back. I miss Ray Ray. He had to go off and become one of them big old city slickers.

Yeah, I think he's over it now. Look how that turned out.

Now, yeah, that's the only thing. Them cities ain't no good for no one. But what is all the way? Cry about your mama, though.

I thought she was his mother.

Sometimes. I'm his mother. That's his brother.

Mel's got the red string out in her brain and gives up.

Up on the porch, somebody starts playing the banjo.

What's important to know is that the roots are strong in this family.

Oh, but yeah, so she gets you guys set up, and this is nowhere near as nice of an equipment shed as what you were in last night. This is a— you'll fit, you know, about half. It's not like small, but it's about like a 2-car garage.

I've slept in worse. We've all slept in worse.

Compared to basically a barndominium you were in last night, this isn't much.

Yeah, but the last place had central air. This place just has holes in the roof. Holes in the walls.

But yeah, so they get the big cook-up going. They take some of your meat happily if you offer it, and they got plenty of their own. And it's a lot of— you could tell this has got a little bit more of a folk medicine-y kind of cooking. Like, she knows what nearby is edible, what isn't. So it's less recognizable veggies. You know, they're not like carrots and stuff, but it's all— you can tell she's been foraging local.

I don't even attempt to assist in any way.

Yeah.

Fantastic mushrooms.

Yeah, some baller mushrooms. She absolutely points at someone like, don't fucking eat those.

Not those ones.

They will feed you for the rest of your very short, painful life.

Yeah.

You will be full, though. When comes the episode?

You eat these, you'll be full for a day. You eat those, you'll be full for a week. full for the rest of your life.

How does James feel about a mushroom diet again?

Ha!

I'm built on mushrooms.

Does this count as cannibalism?

Well, what doesn't, you know, eat what doesn't eat you kind of vibes.

He did want to eat a dragon.

Not entirely sure James would be bothered by any of that.

James will eat anything once.

Eat what don't eat you. There's— okay, I mean, it's a lot of shit that won't eat you.

But I don't want to eat it either.

Um, man, they get you set up around the— they got, you know, guitars and trying to make— trying to enjoy another evening And around a pretty good-sized burn pit. They got a nice outdoor campfire set up. And there's, I'd say the way they got their yard cleared is there's a good solid, like maybe 15 yards before it's just the forest. And it's just a wall again of black now because it's getting dark.

Hmm.

And with you nestled down into the forest, it gets dark pretty quick. Trees absorb the— trees eat the sunlight real quick. And you're again, you're back now up in the foothills. So it actually, it gets dark noticeably earlier than it did yesterday when you were still sleeping on the plains. But yeah, she's being— everybody's being real friendly, swapping stories.

So can you guys do magic too?

Not so much. In a literal sense, you know, we got our superstitions out these ways that have seemed to take pretty good care of us. But I mean, I can't like, woobity woobity, here's a rabbit.

Oh, like woobity woobity and I make Mage Hand appear?

Yeah, that's fucking scary.

It just waves and it vanishes.

Yeah, tell us about it.

I don't like that.

That's actually really nice magic. It gets worse.

Goody.

Watch out for that. If you get into any like green screamy magic, avoid that.

Green? Wow, green screamy magic?

Yes. Not this green, like, like, like sick green.

Oh, what?

He's an elf who looks green.

He's not just ill, that's just his color.

Alright.

The green skin and red hair is alarming.

Yeah, we don't jolly old Saint Nicholas. Is she always purple?

No, no, she's bruised. Yeah, she—

okay, yeah, that's what I thought, but he's green and that's normal.

Yesterday was a rough day.

Okay.

But we're fine.

He turned green yesterday?

We're all fine.

No, I've been green for a while.

Okay.

Those are really old bruises.

Yep, yep. I hit the ground so hard my ears got lumpy.

Can that happen?

I don't—

well, we'll find out.

Hey, you know, shit, I grew like 7 inches. I don't fucking know.

I don't know either.

So about your super secret mission—

If you come across anyone with a cell phone, kill them on sight.

Oh, okay.

Well, okay.

Not functioning cell phones.

Yeah, I was going to say I should rephrase that.

Anyone who has—

You can see John Paul like—

Anyone who has a functioning cell phone—

Don't fucking trust technology.

Kill them on sight.

Hey, never.

I'm just letting— Part of this whole world coming to an end thing is that anybody whose phone still works is involved in some of that evil screaming magic, and you should just kill him.

Okay. Yo!

Or just like stay the fuck out of their way.

Aside from trucks and stuff not starting, has nothing interesting happened here? Not more than normal.

Oh my God, you're so lucky.

That's the smart way to do it. To live your life in the apocalypse.

I kick James under what should have been a table, but we're all sitting outside, so everyone just sees me suddenly randomly kick James in the kneecap.

Wow.

I didn't hear what James said.

And that was the point.

Um, yeah, I mean, I mean, things out here, out in these neck of the woods, things are always a little interesting.

No.

You just kind of— you're kind of used to it.

Yeah. Do you guys have Bigfoot out here?

Oh, yeah.

We've fought zombies and monstrosities and gods at this point. Bigfoot is not that terrifying anymore.

Yeah, well, OK. Bigfoot throws shit. Bigfoot throws big shit. Yeah, if you're lucky, you might hear them.

I can throw stuff too, it just usually comes back to him.

Magic hammer.

Alright, if you folks is determined that you gots to—

We do, yeah.

Foray through this country, couple, couple just smart rules to live by. If you hear somebody calling your name and you cannot see who's calling your name—

Do not answer.

Ain't nobody calling your name.

Alright.

Do not whistle at night.

Nope.

Because you may not like what you call. If that deer seems a little janky, that deer ain't a deer. Okay. If you see lights, probably wise to not see lights. The best rule in Appalachia.

Look the other direction.

If you think it's weird, it is. And keep your nose to your own self. Stick to your business. And maybe-ish percent of the time, it'll keep to its own. Now, if y'all going camping—

Yep.

Good luck. We don't camp out in these parts, it's not recommended. We got normal stuff that'll try to kill you. We got black bears that don't much care for people.

Is it werewolves?

Do you have snipes?

Yeah, that's back in the plains, that's their problem.

Oh, and I never did catch one.

Actually, every single character is just never going to tell you straight.

Oh, these people might legit legitimately believe in them.

I wanted to catch one.

I'm not too worried about wildlife considering we made it through the Rocky Mountains. But yeah, we did that in the middle of fucking winter.

Well, it was early spring.

It felt like the middle of winter.

It did, yeah.

Yep.

So I'm not too concerned, but considering the way everything's gone since fucking magic—

Yep.

I think the rest of it is what we might be a little bit more worried about.

Yeah, rightfully so. Rightfully so.

Do you have alligators?

Not in this Fyndhorn.

Oh, good.

No, no, not this Fyndhorn. They they they they like wetlands.

This is not wetlands.

All right, compared. It is wetter.

The land is wet, but it ain't wetlands.

The ground here is firm.

Okay.

When you're when you're Well, running shoes start sinking into the ground.

Do we have any more lessons for how not to die in Appalachia?

I can keep going.

Don't split the party, but that's general knowledge.

I think keep our nosiness to ourselves is pretty solid.

Things are going to come check you out. If you're going to be sleeping at night outside in tents or whatever, Sizzles...

We keep an eye out.

Yeah, you're going to— this ain't safe territory to go camping in.

Well, the cities are less safe comparatively.

OK.

So sticking to roads in that sense is not necessarily a good option for us either.

Alright, alright, that is a matter for debate, I imagine, but y'all got your experiences.

You haven't seen any like weirdly like cathedral-like buildings just kind of appear out in the middle of nowhere, have you?

I ain't left town.

Nope.

Probably better part of 30 years.

And that's a problem that the cities have.

Yeah.

Random spontaneous churches?

Full of awful cult bastards.

And from the outside they don't look all that big, but once you go into one of them, they're fucking long!

We have some spontaneous citadel problems. Brad can tell you all about that.

Oh yeah, he was a prisoner of one for a while.

while.

He's a recovering actuary now.

Recovering actuary?

Uh, he goes to AA meetings, Actuary Anonymous.

Beautiful. Now, one of the things you might want to keep your eyes out for, we got panthers. Big black Wildcats. They make your mountain lions up in your neck of the woods look cute. Oh, they're all the same thing.

And they're cats, they all look cute.

In a really scary sort of way, sure.

They look like you for different reasons.

They all got little ears and they're fuzzy, they're cute.

Yeah.

Have you seen a mountain lion?

Yeah, it's fucking adorable. I know it'll kill me. I mean, now I think I could probably take a mountain lion. I think I'd be okay. But they're— have you seen a mountain lion cub?

We've gotten to the point where we're just like, like, oh yeah, I could take one.

I think they would be called kittens, but yes. I'm pretty sure they're cubs.

I don't know.

Yeah, cubs.

Mountain lion cub?

I would call it a kitten because it's adorable.

This is an answer your DM does not have.

That's okay.

Mountain lion cub.

We're arguing about how cute mountain lions are, so, you know.

Both are acceptable. They are cubs or kittens.

Congratulations, you are both right.

Truce.

Deal.

And neither of them are as cute as a baby bobcat.

You're right.

Bobcats are cute full grown in my opinion, but it's a fucking bobcat and they're vicious.

Yeah, cool fucking kung fu kitty of terror.

Okay, you have panthers which are arguably scary, got it.

Yeah, big, big like jungle jaguar looking panthers.

I'm really, I'm really having a hard time like conceptualizing danger after having fought 2 dragons. Yes, sir.

Really? Really? Because I'm kind of afraid of everything at this point, and I can be eaten by a panther as easily as I can be eaten by a black bear, as easily as I can be eaten by a dragon.

I think—

Which bit me, I might add.

I think you could survive a black bear or a panther.

Right, you've punched gods. I'm pretty sure you've punched a god.

I feel like Mal pulls up her pant leg. Bit me? Bit me!

Did you need more Power Ranger Band-Aids for your boo-boo?

No, I don't want to waste them. It did bite me, though.

Yep.

Right about the time it flung me off his back and threw me at the ground.

I assume you just keep taking them. My sense of scale is just, like, a little bit skewed right now, I think.

Yeah.

It's kind of weird.

Some of these things don't sound like as big of problems as they maybe would have been.

Do you have any undead issues?

Yeah, like if you have an undead Bigfoot, then that's a problem.

Why would you put that out to the universe? What is wrong with you, James?

If you think about it, we technically fought one of those in the, uh, the, uh, the place in Fort Morgan right before we fought a god.

We fought an undead Bigfoot?

I don't recall fighting an undead Bigfoot.

I do not remember that session.

It was like a, uh, like an undead ogre or something like that. I could have sworn I saw one.

Yes, there was one in the, in the ground floor of cargo, uh, uh, Autofish.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's right. Wait, what are you— the DM's going, I don't remember this.

I feel like I remember undead Bigfoot.

I don't think that's the same thing as an undead Bigfoot.

I don't think so, no.

Well, you're wrong on this one.

Uh, your phone is holding the camera.

Why is the table purring? I'm like, why is the table purring?

There's a bobcat. Oh god, it's one of those pants!

Sorry.

Well, we're fine.

Yo.

We are all in very different mental states.

Yeah.

We should—

We're fine.

I'm doing fantastic, I think. Okay.

You were complaining about being bit by a dragon like 5 seconds ago.

I was not. We're fine.

It's fine, this is fine. It's all good. Yeah, so like I said, any undead problems?

Not here. I mean, all like 8 of us—

Are still alive.

You know, uh, Ethelgeen Struggled real hard when the pharmacy trucks stopped coming through. But, you know, when cars stopped working, it's hard to get your medication up this way. But she's— I mean, after jonesing pretty hard, she's doing all right.

Well, if we can give you a hearty recommendation.

Please.

Don't leave dead bodies in the ground. Things don't have a habit of staying dead anymore.

Yeah, I recommend cremating.

Okay, I will figure out how to do that if we need to.

Light a fire?

Her body's hard to burn.

It is. Yeah, it's better than that body coming back to life and trying to kill you though.

Yeah.

I don't doubt that you're right.

I think we just weirded out the Appalachians, which is hard to do, but we have succeeded.

Everyone is in a weird headspace today.

Congratulations, we are the new cryptids.

Maybe, like, they're going to be telling stories of these weird travelers.

Oh yeah, are you kidding me? As soon as you're gone, Brad's going to be just talking all sorts of chaos. They threw me in a hole and then they closed the outside.

And told me not to open the book in the hole. Don't know what that was about.

The book looked at me. It was kind of creepy.

I hope it didn't.

Wicked Scratch. Yeah, that's me.

You're probably wondering how I got here.

You know, don't trust your eyes or your ears.

What about your sense of smell? Is that fine?

I don't— yeah, yes, you should be fine there.

Okay.

Something smells—

You did tell us not to taste shit too.

Well, yeah, some of this— some of our plants will fuck you up. It's not fun.

So smell's about the only one that's good?

Yeah, I mean, you could do touch, but just be careful what you touch. Some of the stuff— Fuzzy.

Ooh, growly fuzzy.

Oh, baby kitty's angry.

Um, I'm pretty sure I put the right mushrooms in this one.

I think we're definitely getting to that manic stage as a group. Yeah.

Um, hey, don't worry, it's not the food.

If you smell skunk, probably don't smell skunk.

It's not good.

That's the scary Bigfoot that likes to throw shit at you. You'll hear him. Literally?

We'll hear them, but we shouldn't trust what we hear.

I was just about to say that.

If you hear—

If we hear it and smell skunk, we're in trouble.

Yeah, multiple senses collab— corroborating.

Collaborating.

Corroborating your story better than just one.

I doubt it.

If you can't see the source of a voice and you hear talking, no, you don't.

And if you see lights and don't know what they are—

No, you don't.

And don't whistle at night because—

If that deer seems a little funky, it is, let it go.

If the what is what?

The deer.

Oh, the deer, okay. I heard air, like what?

If the air seems a little funky, don't fuck with it either.

Yeah, don't breathe it.

Good luck, I don't know how you know that, but you know.

I don't think I'm smart enough for this place.

I think we'll be perfectly fine.

We're going to die.

We'll be perfectly fine. We're going to die.

We're all dealing with things.

We didn't drag you out of that zombie pit to let the skunk monsters get you.

My, my, personally, my best recommendation Let's try to stick to the roads. And it's this dense forest. You gotta taste of it. Yeah, it don't get lighter.

Yeah, it's thick.

And there's enough county roads and back roads and twisty turnies. You can avoid the big town. There ain't big cities in the forest. And the biggest one anywhere near here is Nelsonville, and it ain't big. It's where we go if we gots to go to the doctor. It's got the clinic. Oh, and they got the fancy schoolhouse with 5 teachers.

Wow.

Compared to our town? Yeah.

It's big.

It's a big 'un. We only go there when we have to go, which thankfully can't get there no more. But I just, I don't know, folks, you are in for an interesting, rather time-consuming, long trip through some fucking crazy shit.

That could describe our trip thus far.

So it all started one day in Grand Junction. Yeah, it's a decent city. A, by your standards, very large city.

Yeah.

They get the CliffsNotes version.

They get the CliffsNotes version. I'm not recapping the last 71 episodes.

If you want to listen to the rest of it, you can listen to the podcast.

That's where it sort of trails off, like it fades out. And then it fades to black, and then you get the little thing that says, an hour and a half later. And then we killed 2 dragons. Oh, sorry, Jacob, this is your part of the story. And then it fades to black.

I killed a dragon.

And then it fades to black.

Do I get to talk about this?

Yeah. 40 minutes later.

Because Jason is so old.

And then I stabbed one more time.

Yeah.

Because it takes—

Moment by moment reenacting.

Yes, it takes Jacob almost as long to tell the story of how he killed the dragon in 18 seconds as it did Mel to recap the last 4 months.

Absolutely.

Fun thing, if you guys work really hard and make good time, in about a week you can make it to Carbondale.

I thought we were in Carbondale. What the hell? Carbondale, Pennsylvania.

Just like a warp gate to Carbondale 2.

We're just hopping from Carbondale to Carbondale to Carbondale.

This is—

hey, we're at number 2 right now.

Just hopping along the Carbon Trail.

I don't think we—

I don't— I would be surprised if we went to Carbondale, Colorado, but maybe.

That was a fair bit away.

Where were we? We were on the I-70 corridor.

Colburn.

Carbondale, Colburn, and Crawford. They're all similar enough in my brain that they bleed together.

You know, not a one of them would like to hear that either.

No, no, but from a verbal standpoint, that's reasonable.

I won't apologize for shit.

I'd have to be sorry.

They're all C words. I know ranchers in every single one of them.

There.

And they're all slightly east and up the mountain from us.

That's—

yeah, practically the same place.

Yeah.

I knew a guy that was supposed to go to a job in Colburn and misheard it and went to Cedar Ridge.

Oh wow.

That's one hell of an out of the way.

Yeah, that was a long day.

It wasn't me, thank you.

That is a long day.

It wasn't me. No, it really wasn't. It was a friend of mine. God, that poor bastard. God, that would suck.

That's a hell of a thing to miss here though.

Right?

Like Cedar Edge and Colbren don't even sound—

And you can't get there from either side of the Grand Mesa.

I can get Colbren and Carbondale.

Oh, oh, so they said Kaido season, but Colburn and Cedar Edge. Yeah, oh well.

Well, if Jeff Nash is listening to this podcast, I remember when that happened.

You fucked up, Chase.

There's one dude sitting home like, what the fuck?

How did I get called out?

It's like my favorite My most uncomfortable podcast moment I ever had, I was working night shift custodial and Podcast, just being funny, was like, hey, if your name's Mike, set down your broom and quit fucking around. And I'm like in the middle of sweeping the floor. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, I commented to them and I'm like, you got me. Statistically, you're gonna get— I'm the one you got. I'm fucking uncomfortable. So yeah, you guys swap horror stories and she tells you— she's got— she's a very comfortable storyteller. Ain't nothing quick about her stories. Very slow, very— and it's all got that banjo in the background. It's kind of keeping that bouncy flow. There ain't nothing smooth about a banjo.

Oh.

Then she tells you a little bit about, you know, she's bringing you up to speed on just all sorts of, you know, she tells you a little bit about Mothman. You know, she's telling everything she's telling you, she's telling you as if it is fact. And if you guys are doing more Insight checks, she's telling you this with the same sincerity that a World War II historian would be talking about, you know, the invasion of Normandy, right? This is as true to her, um, as everything you guys have gone through is to you, right? Um, so she, you know, she's going into depth. You know, if you see the Mothman, that's a harbinger.

Mm-hmm.

He himself does not seem to be a problem. Bullet sightings start happening, and they culminated with the Crystal River Bridge collapsing. He ain't been seen since. They say he was in Chicago.

Oh, oh, oh!

Of course, if we see a little too far west, things are gonna go.

Glowing red eyes are the biggest indicator. The red eyes will glow and he tends to fly at you. Oh, doesn't seem bad. Doesn't seem to be wanting to harm. He seems to— maybe he's either a passive cause or a warning.

I feel like we've fought something that had glowing red eyes flying at us before.

No, we fought the spider guy.

Oh yeah, I forgot about the spider guy. I'm still— I'm still wearing his armor.

God, I hate it when you do that. Belle's getting noticeably uncomfortable. It is a warm summer night and she's over here like—

she's got full like campfire ghost story. She does, like she starts looking To contrast, Emery is listening intently for a little bit and her eyes are just drooping and she is fully nodding off.

So I noticed Mel starting to get the heebie-jeebies. So me being the compassionate friend James O'Brien, I send my Mage Hand over invisible and I just do the—

Oh god!

Mel screams and jumps up.

Starts turning around, flinches, and spills her whole drink on whoever's sitting next to her.

Yeah, that's a brutal way to open the prep.

Thanks, I was getting hot.

James, I swear to God, if I ever— and I don't know, she picks up something random and throws it at him.

Invasion?

Stick.

Uncanny Dodge?

Throw a stick at him, Mel.

That was a nat 1.

You're so startled it just flails away from you.

I do, I just flail. I throw a stick at James. Jacob ducks.

I burst out into maniacal laughing. It's like, come on, it was too easy!

You know, down, down south of here, you've got down in Tennessee, outside Adams, Tennessee, you got stories of the Bell Witch.

I don't think we'll be going that far.

The story is similar to her up through this area, but she's the famous one. She got that movie.

Oh yeah.

Basically, a couple daughters started complaining about being tortured at night, pinching, having their bed covers yanked off.

Don't look at me!

Over time, you know, it started off, they're real religious folk, you know, Church had a pretty good stranglehold on this region for a real long time. So they kind of kept their disturbances to themselves, being afraid of being thought of being possessed by demons or what have you. But eventually Papa Bell ended up sharing a story with a buddy of his, somebody he trusted. Dude came over, stayed the night, same shit kept happening.

Oh.

To him.

He witnessed it.

happened to himself.

Oh.

Over time, uh, the, the witch was said to have the stated purpose of killing Mr. Bell. Um, said it was the witch of a local lady who was put through hell and back. Um, and she promised to come back 100 107 years after her death, which happened to be lining up with when all this shit was happening, because of course, right? That's how those stories always go. There you go. Oh, you know, there's some story that she's gotten a bit more vicious over the years. It's hard to tell how much of that story is story and how much of that is that silly-ass movie they made. Um, you want something a little more exciting in the nearby area there up in the west for Virginia. You got the Flatwoods Monster.

The what woods?

The Flatwoods Monster.

I've heard of that one.

Maybe an alien?

Maybe an alien.

Aliens don't exist.

Maybe a very tall woman in a dress.

What?

What? That's the Flatwoods Monster.

Okay, a really tall lady in a dress.

With a red face, violently red and bald.

So Olnot in a dress.

I mean, maybe.

There's also the, uh, there's the moon-eyed people.

The moon-eyed what now?

They're little men, very pale, but the biggest feet they got these Big blue eyes.

So not like Tommyknockers then?

No, they're not in the mines. They're not in the mines. Oh, but they're said to inhabit these woods, kind of trickster-y vibed kind of folks. If you run into their houses, Which are, they're kind of cabins but like rounded log cabins instead of, you know, we make ours pretty square because it's a hell of a lot easier. They made theirs round for some reason.

Like a yurt?

Do you have any fairies or elves?

Oh, the fey folk, oh yeah, absolutely.

Or what would the—

Eladrin?

Yes. I miss those. Do you have any of those? They're pretty.

I give you advantage for that.

I know, I know that.

Remembrations.

Good job.

Like we talked about, I don't control the remembering, it just happens.

My mind is like a steel trap. It's getting stuff out of it, that's the problem.

I mean, there's absolutely, absolutely brownies and a whole variety of favorites. So I've never heard of an illidryn before.

They're beautiful.

Okay.

And scary, but mostly beautiful.

A lot of beautiful things are, a lot of beautiful things are scary, but, but oh yeah, no, you, yeah, we, yeah, don't walk through fairy circles. You all know what a fairy circle is?

Yeah. Don't walk It was safe when we did it, but—

That's because I'm pretty sure we were invited into it.

We were invited into that. I don't know.

I remember leading someone back.

Yes. Good rule of thumb. Do you know much about your previous kin? Your old heritage?

Their—

Irish?

Yep. Before you started—

Before I was part mushroom/elf? Yeah.

Well, I don't— sure.

I glossed over that bit. It was too fantastical. No one would have believed that.

Yeah, I technically died and then was brought back to life by magical mushrooms.

Sure you were.

And then I turned into an elf.

We saw it.

He ate mushrooms and is pretty sure it changed his life.

That's, that's not uncommon. That goes on here too.

I saw some wicked shit. I was up in a tree. There was a bunch of Cadbury eggs for some reason. There was, uh, there was like some gigantic toads at some point.

James, James, have some more moonshine. I told you no one's ever gonna believe that.

That was a very confusing way to answer my question.

Oh, but as far as my Irish heritage, I know a little bit about it. I mean, not a lot.

Now it's a lot of this— that's a fun, fun thing. This is the same mountain range as the island of Ireland. Same mountains. Continental drift occurred, shit happened. These were the same mountains.

This is great.

Good rule of thumb. If you know Irish heritage, you can rule of thumb ours. Similar, different flavors, similar vibes.

You guys don't have like a bunch of like headless knights running around with flames coming out, do you?

Oh no, we don't have those. Headless knights with flames coming out?

Isn't there a Headless Horseman in like Pennsylvania?

Oh yeah, we got, yeah, yeah, uh, Headless Horseman. I don't know.

Why do you know all of these things? Why isn't magic happy? Where's my fairy godmother, damn it?

We just talked about a pretty lady. Starts with a D. Dullahan.

Dullahan.

That's the one.

Oh God, do you have banshees?

I don't want to fucking run into a dullahan.

No, dullahan would not be fun.

We got, we got— there, yep, there's words of— word of banshee. Ah, we're in the scary part now. Yeah, shit's going to get weird.

Y'all remember back in the day when we used to like 2 dragons. Yeah, but do you have a plan?

Emery's feeling kind of invincible at the moment, isn't she?

I'm— I— Emery doesn't know how to process danger anymore.

That'd be hard not to when the—

We just broke into a citadel armed by like people who work directly for gods and then killed 2 dragons.

So Emery's going being like—

I don't really know where this Is Dullahan higher or lower than 2 dragons? Like, is it a problem?

Do you remember way back when we fought ghosts and you got turned into like a 68-year-old?

Yeah, that fucking sucked.

Yeah, that could still happen.

It could. We haven't fought ghosts like that.

I haven't really fought a ghost since then.

And we don't have any cool magic potions to make you young again.

Yeah?

I'm sure we could make one. I mean, Elliott remembered, right?

Yes.

It's in there somewhere.

The, the pause was very reassuring, Elliott.

Thank you. I remember that, I swear.

Of course.

It was a totally different biome, but yeah, we could do that.

Just make sure you grab the right ones.

To be fair, we were using ingredients that were similar enough to shit from their native world.

Yeah, fair.

I think Elliott's going to be fine sourcing ingredients if we had to do that again. But again, ghosts that made me age 30 years, 2 dragons, Bigfoot?

Yeah, like, we don't know. Just assume everything can kill you. It's safer that way.

Well, listen, I'm not going to go poking danger just for the hell of it.

You wanted to pat a panther.

I never said I was going to do it.

No, she wants to pet the danger, not poke the danger. Massive difference.

Got to boop the snoot.

And if a panther's actually actively growling at me, I'm not going to reach out to poke its nose, you know?

I will with Mage Hand, though. That sounds fun.

And I'm going to let you this time.

We'll see how that pans out.

I can keep my business to myself while also not being— being pretty sure we can handle most of what's thrown at us.

avoid creepy looking deer, don't whistle at night, if you smell skunk you don't, and—

And if you hear shit you don't.

Yeah, and if you hear shit you don't. If you see lights you don't.

Like, do we keep to our camp?

And you just gotta hope that they keep to themselves. These, unlike tales of the fey folk who live by rules A lot of these are beneficial guidelines. You know, if you go whistling around at night, you're drawing the attention.

Not saying that the attention still isn't going to find you.

Right, right. Now, you might, you might get a hold of your buddy by calling them, but your buddy might just decide to drop on by anyway, even if you don't call. Kind of the same vibes here. You whistle at night, you're gonna draw some attention. Existing in Appalachia draws attention. You're just minimizing risk. Cool.

So expect to be visited at some point by something.

So if we hear shit at night, we don't wander off off by it after by ourselves.

And rule 1 of keeping watch, if anything creepy happens, you wake up.

Scream.

Yeah.

No.

But don't whistle.

Yeah, scream but don't whistle.

Scream bad. No scream.

Just wake everyone.

Yeah.

How else do we wake up everyone? Scream! Highly effective.

You go wake them up quietly with your presence. We're in a place where sound bad. No make sound.

I cannot promise you—

I'm just going to stand over you.

I'm going to wake you with my presence.

With my presence.

It'll work. Just like it works in real life. I could sleep through a hurricane, but if you walk into my room and go— I'll wake up. I don't know why.

I'm like, yeah! It's you.

I just, in spite of your best efforts, I cannot promise you that I will not scream.

I mean, I'm not saying that it's not a natural reaction. I'm saying just not your go-to if you can avoid it.

Yeah, there's a difference between being afraid and screaming at an alarm. Guys, I heard something!

No, you didn't. You did— you forgot rule number Number one! You heard it, no you didn't.

Mel's watch is from now on out, I don't hear anything, I don't see anything, I don't— wait, hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, I don't hear nothing. Wait, is that whistling?

Does that count as whistling?

I don't know.

If we don't die on the other end of this, we're going to be damn paranoid.

You mean you're not already?

Instead of the normal morning, like Mel's normal Morning watch where you all wake up to the smell of coffee. What happens is you just wake up to Mel in a little ball. Did you just take the thing off?

Is it just shaking?

After a while, uh, Jemima's an older lady, you know, she had her, her 4 glasses of the moonshine. It's time for her.

I think, I definitely think there's a point in storytelling where Emery Fully like falls asleep.

I'm pretty sure she's just going to rest.

Yeah, you're wiped.

Yeah.

Um, so with that, you know, she stands up, she seems fine, she's just a little sleepy. Um, but, uh, well, you folks, you're all set up comfy in the— well, she's comfy right here, but the rest of y'all comfy in the, uh, tool shed?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think we'll be alright.

Alright, well, we'll, uh, we don't tend to be big breakfast folk around here, but y'all welcome to use the property as long as you want. Thank you for bringing Ray Ray back and fucking good luck.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Yep.

How, uh, when she, uh, does she leave at some point or?

Sure.

Okay.

She just hovers.

She just goes down there.

She's just standing at the door like I was just—

I was going to ask—

Staring at us.

I was going to ask—

That's creepy.

I was going to ask Ol'nok something and I didn't want her to overhear it and like feel insulted or anything.

Oh yeah, this was her kind of doing the, hey, goodbye.

Oh, okay.

Good night.

Good night.

Welp, RIP. Pops the cork back in her triple X bottle. Yeah.

Her cartoon jug.

It's got a skull drawn on it.

And wanders on off.

Hey, Ollmec.

What's up?

Uh, I know we wanted to get your family to a safe location. When are we going to find it?

Yeah.

Because I don't know of one.

I mean, obviously these guys know how to live out here. I think they got a pretty good chance. There's a lot of weird shit in the Appalachians, but it's not dragons trying to kidnap my daughter, you know what I mean? Well, hopefully.

Not at the moment. It's going to be real hard for a dragon to get through this thick trees.

That's true. We got pretty good cover.

Not to mention all of the cryptids that will probably try to attack the dragon. Like, it might have its— it might have its troubles.

Yes, it might have its work cut out for it, you know what I mean?

Appalachian King Kong versus Godzilla. Bigfoot versus dragon.

This weekend, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

Um, in this corner, the Flatwoods Monster.

It's the dream team you never thought you'd see coming.

Bigfoot in a 3-way death match with the Wendigo, right? Like, um, oh, but yeah, I mean It's safer than where they were.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, is it objectively safe? I'm not entirely sure anywhere currently is objectively safe.

That's true.

There's just—

we don't want them coming with us to the fucking trenches.

So, yeah, that is true. It would be, weirdly enough, safer here with the potential of cryptids than it is going further east and having to fight gods.

Yeah.

So.

I feel like there's definitely a point where she was telling stories where Mel does this, like, maybe we should ease off of them, we're scaring Jacob. And Jacob's going, tell me more! And Mel's like, shit!

Yeah, he's stoked.

Yeah, he is full alien conspiracy age right now. He's digging this shit.

Okay, maybe we should stop telling stories, you're scaring me.

I don't like it.

He gives you a pat on the back. It's okay.

Oh, sorry.

This time, not him.

My Mage Hand is over here. You get 3 waves.

Duh!

What is watch order tonight?

I will take second.

Third.

Fourth.

Emre's already asleep, so I guess I take one.

That's fair.

So, Alnok and James trade.

Does anyone want company on their watch?

I'll take company! Mel needs you.

I mean, Emery did say she wanted to start training with Mel, so...

Yes, yes, she'll keep Mel from curling up in a little ball of, I hear no evil, see no evil.

That's going to be real bad. We wake up, like, smell the coffee and Mel's She's rocking herself in the corner.

I'm fine! So about this time, Ray K. and Em—

Ray K.

I love how Brad is just Ray now.

Yeah, he pulls out his fake tooth.

He's gone fully back to his roots.

He's who he really is, right?

And you could just see Kaylie like... Oh, hell no.

Gotcha, bitch!

You can pull the actuary out of the mountains, but you can't pull the mountains out of the actuary.

Kay's definitely worried. He doesn't know what to do with this place.

Yeah, this is not Kay's place.

He's got a corncob pipe far too comfortable in his missing tooth hole.

He's nailed it.

It's like it was built for it. I take it back. This place is perfect for them.

They're going to be fine.

You and Em are sitting there like, what the fuck?

Didn't see this coming. Is this why none of your side of the family was at the wedding?

Yeah, all 8 of them?

Shit. She did say she hadn't left town in 30 years.

Yeah.

So they definitely weren't at the wedding.

But they wander off to... The other place, unless you want to have a goodbye scene. Yeah, I mean, yeah, Em would absolutely cut. I mean, Kay is still fucking loopy. Yeah, she's now in full-on just concussion migraine. Yeah, like she's not like, like, but she just—

it hurts.

Yeah.

Um, and Ray, I don't understand.

Brad's like—

Uncle Ray-Ray, huh? I didn't— that's a—

But Em comes up and, uh, you know, doing cliché teenage rubbing the back of her neck.

Yeah.

So you're gonna go?

Yeah, kiddo, we got something we got to do, and hopefully we can get this done. And the idea is You guys won't be in danger anymore.

Except for the cryptids.

Well, those were allegedly here before, so.

X name the iptid cray.

Mel does not understand what that means.

Huh?

Sorry, I was speaking Elvish.

Yeah, we have to go.

Elvish is fucking pig Latin.

As per usual, We're making an emotional scene with your daughter. Super awkward.

You two are so weird.

Yeah.

Hey, but we're alive, you know, so...

It's working.

Fucking A.

Somehow I'm getting left in Appalachia and y'all are taking the weird ones.

Yeah.

I hope I don't start talking like them.

It's going to rub off on you a little, but...

You're gonna come back?

As long as I'm not dead.

Okay.

I mean, your mom's probably still not going to be stoked about it, but I would like to at least come see you, make sure you guys are okay.

Yeah, I'm— I think I'm a little bit old enough. Mom doesn't get to dictate that. I don't super think she's been overly honest with me. Yeah, Brad, or apparently Ray. Fucking Ray. Yeah, Ray Ray.

Who saw that coming, huh?

Yeah, the fake tooth.

Mathematician got the fake tooth. He's about to go get them overalls and start playing that banjo. Boy, he's ready to go.

Um, he seems okay with you. For his apparent flaws, he is a decent judge of character. He's never led us wrong before.

Seems like a decent dude.

He is. I know that's probably not what you want to hear.

No, that's fine.

He's a good guy.

I'd rather him be a good person than an abusive piece of shit. So, I mean, That's fair. You have some sort of positive role model, you know what I mean?

Just be careful, Dad.

Of course.

Take care of yourself.

Yeah.

Try to learn how to fight.

Yeah?

You're probably gonna need it.

Apparently, maybe, hopefully not.

I'm really hoping you don't, but it's better to be prepared. Say what?

How do you fight a Bigfoot?

Well, you don't.

Okay.

So you just, you stay away from the Bigfoot.

Apparently don't fucking look outside at night.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, at nighttime you just stay inside and you'll probably be alright.

Totally gonna help me sleep.

Yeah, so that's new information. You're right. Uh, but you know, try to do your best. You're gonna need some rest. I mean, you went through a lot.

Yeah, I'm really glad you were there.

Me too, kiddo. That's why we came. So I'm glad it all worked out. It was scary as hell, but—

Yeah, dragons are real.

Yeah.

And magic. That's fucking—

that's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah.

Fire-breathing flying ones and everything. Holy shit.

And we killed them. Yeah.

Yeah, Jacob took one down.

Yeah, he fucked that dragon up.

Oh yeah, you're a good kid.

Yeah, I wish I would have—

As far as you and I know, he definitely killed the dragon.

Yeah, because we weren't there.

From a distance, yeah, I believe his story. He fucking stabbed the shit out of the dragon and died.

Yeah, the Sun Sword got fucking lit and the dragon died.

Yeah, we were too far away to see anything else.

Variations of the story, so each one's slightly more heroic than the last.

Yeah, right, it's gonna be this—

yeah, he wasn't captured by the dragon. He was riding the dragon.

He was holding onto the dragon to keep it from taking off.

He lassoed it, dude. He fucking— and he's on the back and he's got it like he's controlling it and he's sharing it.

The dragon captures me, I capture the dragon.

I definitely let that dragon think it had me. Oh yeah.

Oh my God. This story's going to get amazing.

Yeah.

Fucking amazing Chuck Norris over here.

Yeah. Fucking Wild Bill Tall Tales right there.

Yeah.

But no, yeah, I don't super care if Mom's okay with you coming back.

Yeah, it's gonna be awkward, I will say that. Yeah, there's clearly still some bad blood, but maybe the concussion, you know, will get rid of some of that.

Maybe.

Wipe her hard drive clean.

Yeah, maybe she'll forget how much she hates you.

Full system reset, you know, and Yeah, at least we can be cordial.

Oh, that'd be nice. That'd be nice. But in order for that to happen, you've got to stay alive.

Yes.

So do that.

Yeah, I'll do everything in my power because I do want to come back. I do want to see you again.

Good.

So, you know. Apparently we live in a single-wide trailer now with Jimmy John's and Jersey Mike's, Joe Bob and Jedediah. Um, yeah, Jeffrey Mike.

Mike and Joe.

Yeah, so thank, thank you, Dad. Be careful. Of course.

I'll do what I can. We'll see you around, Em.

I'm going to go before it gets any darker.

Well...

This is fucking scary.

Yeah.

She, like, kind of awkward hug and then fucking sprints.

I understand, kiddo. Get to the house, get some sleep.

She definitely doesn't scream, but she's definitely on the verge of being ready to.

Like when you're scared at your— in your house and you turn the lights off and run up the stairs. It's that.

It's 100% that, but there's no light switches.

You gotta get there before the shadow people get you.

Um, Namarie's just snoring gently.

I was like, she didn't say anything about shadow people.

Shadow people!

Yeah, fuck, she heard that.

Well, I hope things work out for you, man.

Yeah, me too.

So let's save the world and then we can deal with the hard stuff.

Yeah, right.

Shit, that'll be the easy part if we can kill this bastard.

Anyway, what do you do for your watch, buddy?

Y'all get some rest. Not you though, because you're not sleeping anyway.

Yeah, I'll be over Blair Witching in the corner.

Yeah, uh, one of these days you got to do that. He's like standing in the corner to stare at it.

Um, just borrow the Ring of Upward Movement from Elliott.

Ah, just float.

Just Criss Angel it.

Oh my, I just realized you could use that for the ultimate air mattress.

Yeah, it doesn't require concentration.

It does not say it does.

So if he doesn't cancel it before he goes to sleep, dude.

Problem is, like, just while you're sleeping, wake up hundreds of feet in the air, like, oh, this is bad.

It only goes like—

Well, it's 20 feet around, so in theory you could continue to level.

We'll just have to make sure that we, like, tie him down or something.

The real use of weighted blankets. Keep the Elliott put.

Just tie him to a rope. It's fine.

I'm gonna stay inside because, uh, we're in the Appalachians and I don't want to fuck around outside.

All right, exactly.

Especially having just got here. I don't want to fuck around outside until we have to. I believe all this shit. So, um, because that's why I knew, like, if you heard it— no, you didn't. I've been in this kind of situations before. And he's like, no, I didn't hear that. Because the first stories I'm worried we're going to find just a staircase.

What?

Just an empty staircase in the middle of the forest. You don't go to those. You don't touch them. You stay away from them. They're just— they fucking look random. They're just like they started building a house and they fucking just quit, right? There's just a staircase out there in the middle of nowhere.

She said nothing about no staircases.

Yeah, I know. That's some Olnoch shit.

He's got his own myth.

Yeah, I know a whole bunch of shit that I shouldn't know.

The stairway to nothing.

'Cause I like all the paranormal stuff. So I've done like, listened to stories and like all these, those, you get those more from like park rangers or whatever, but we're in that kind of foresty area and it can happen and I don't want to see it.

Hold on, stop talking. Everything you say is making this worse.

It does make sense though. I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something or down to no good.

Yeah. Bazinga.

How about you both stop talking so the rest of us can go to sleep?

Well, I'm trying to. No, I'm just kidding. You go to sleep. Do the sleeps. I forgot that I was inside. I'm sorry.

Now Mal has nightmares.

The potential threat of the unknown has really fucked her up.

Just the inherent claustrophobia of this area too. The woods are right there.

Yeah.

That totally counts.

I'm going to assume that someone woke Emery up long enough for her to go inside with everyone else.

Yeah, we're not going to let you sleep outside. Just Emery outside, we wake up, she's just gone.

That's why I assumed that.

Okay, so we grabbed Emery, right?

Oh, shit. How do we know if it's Emery?

Is it real? Could be a doppelgänger.

Everything you say makes this worse.

Mel, don't look in mirrors.

All right, um, oh, that would be an absolute nightmare for Mel.

Not until we get out of Appalachia. Um, I'm just— I'm gonna be inside, kind of just paying attention.

So basically just listening real hard?

Yeah, but you did hear it outside.

Yeah. Go ahead and roll me a— I'm going to give you a disadvantage perception because you're not seeing.

Well, if I saw it, no, I didn't.

Did you hear the horse?

I heard it! Now I do!

How are we supposed to do watches when we're not supposed to see or hear anything?

And that is 1.

2 confirmed senses, you wake everyone up. 1 confirmed sense, you fucking ignore that shit like it didn't happen. Tell somebody later.

That's not a number.

Well, it would have been better if I'd had advantage, but I have disadvantage, so that's a 6.

With a passive of?

9.

Oh, I'm so glad we could put you on first watch.

Emry was already asleep, dog.

Yeah, you're...

A football.

Yeah, you don't know.

I hear lots of bugs.

Yeah, you hear the bugs. It is just damp.

Yeah.

Everything's damp. There's moss growing on the insides of this place. It's just damp. and uncomfy. And, you know, I mean, you're just jumping at everything all night because you're keyed up. Her story's got you thinking.

Yeah.

So you honestly, you couldn't, you could not say for sure if you heard a fire.

Right, I'm trying to say.

Or you're making up a heard or, you know.

It's like when you're taking a hearing test and you think you hear the beep.

Exactly. Exactly. You're listening so hard for the sounds that now you don't hear them.

And it's the white noise.

Yeah.

You can't tell if you're hearing it or not.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That is my watch. Your watch.

Nothing happens. I think I hear a lot of stuff, but I can't confirm it. And it's only one thing. So we don't tell nobody.

Oh, knock it. It's time to wake up Jaime.

James, James, James.

Hey, what?

I'm touching you so you know it's me. Don't make it weird.

Just—

well, I, I guess touch is one of the 5 senses.

Well, then you heard it and you felt it.

Yeah, I heard it and you're welcome.

It's your boy Ol' Knock.

And now I'm deeply concerned.

Why you gotta make it weird?

I'm trying to see you know it's me.

Oh yes, it was a very specific Olag touch. Yes.

The way that Olag always touches me.

And by that, I'm going to have a fucking bruise of taps on my arms.

It was overly aggressive, even though he's trying to be gentle.

Yeah, it's like, hey, tap, tap, tap.

Ow, ow.

What, man?

Ow, ow, ow. Remember, I'm technically semi-conscious.

Oh yeah, that's right.

I heard you coming.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, at least I didn't throw a boot at somebody.

Right? Only, only Banny Eggs and drunk people do that.

Yeah, only crazy people do that shit.

Especially cucumber gin. Never do that.

That's what they drank that night.

Fucking gross.

It was awful.

Oh, yeah.

It was an interesting drink.

It made for a hell of a fun podcast that night, though.

Yeah.

Most by the seat of my fucking pants I've ever DM'd. I had no clue what was coming next.

It's okay. Neither did they.

Oh shit.

Sure, fucking roll sneak attack damage on a boot off the rail so fast on your teammate to warn him that the house is being broken into.

And then roll persuasion to convince him it was a fucking ghost.

I want to hide and hit him with a boot. So he wakes up and maybe discovers the house being broken into on his own.

And then happens to look out the window and see the man staring at him in his sleep. Yeah.

That was crazy.

Anyway, let's see. What you doing for your watch, Harvey?

I probably try various different things. Probably try like, I don't want to leave the building.

Fair.

Because that's probably a bad idea.

Fair.

So I probably look out one of the windows and I use the ring and I'm like, haha, now I can see anything. And I can just see a fucking tree.

Very dark tree.

Very dark tree.

It's over 60 feet tall.

I look around. Now I'm looking up Elliott's nose.

Ah!

Gotta work on that. I try the Dagger of Blindsight, but I can't use it through fucking This is weird. I am in an itty-bitty little box and I can't see out of it. I feel very trapped now. I'm also talking to myself, which I should probably stop.

I'm gonna wake up somebody. No, you're fine.

I don't know why that caught me off guard.

Just a picture of a little Noxious Lady like, no, you're good, man, whatever.

Remember, if you hear something, it—

you don't. Uh, so if that's the case, I'll probably just, uh, sit and stare at the door.

It's super effective watching.

I remember the last time that I sat and stared at a door, I got my ass kicked by a bunch of invisible stuff.

Oh my lord.

We are so broken.

Cool, you guys are good at this. I guess if you're—

I'm also going to be checking the windows.

Are there windows?

Sure.

There's like window.

Window. OK, cool. This place runs on window.

Don't give me just a straight perception because you are using Window.

Passive 18.

That's right, I will perceive!

Brute force perception. It's crazy that your rogue's passive perception is higher than your I mean, technically, when I rolled 8 plus 8, I would have gotten my old passive perception of 16.

Yeah.

So.

It's fucking stupid. Cool. So yes, I'm going to say with an 18, it's on your— one of your zoom-ins. I guess as you're zooming back out to come back to normal vision.

Uh-huh.

You swear—

Ah, shit.

You saw— Crawling?

Oh, fuck, whatever's coming.

Long, crazy skinny limbs.

Don't like that.

It like looks at you, but by the time you're done unzooming, you can't see it.

I zoom in and then out and then in and out. Yeah, I try, I try like a ghost hunter approach. Like I'm trying to like recapture what I saw.

You take the quick turntino attack.

And zoom and enhance.

Nothing. Each time you have to say the command.

Oh yeah.

Swipe. Swipe.

Zoom.

And you don't see again.

All right, time to play Hogan's Heroes. I see nothing. I know nothing.

I know nothing.

I know nothing.

OK, I don't smell skunk, I assume?

No, you don't smell skunk.

OK, cool. So I'm only using one of my senses and I definitely— I didn't see anything, quote unquote.

I hope it's not what I thought it was.

I hope it wasn't either.

Towards the end of your watch, right about the time be going to wake Elliott, who's next up. You hear— No, he doesn't.

No, he doesn't!

No, he don't.

Oh, Dad, I forgot to grab my book from you. Can you let me in?

James, don't do it!

James, don't do it!

James!

It's not her!

It's not her!

And it's Em's voice.

Uh-huh. Clearly.

No, it's not!

Shut up, you're asleep. You're having peaceful dreams. I'm having a nightmare. I'm going to very quietly— I'm going to stealth over and I'm going to wake up Evelyn.

Give me a stealth roll.

Don't be a bad roll.

We need you to succeed here. Not passive stealth. Yeah, unfortunately.

Epic crit! Uh, that is a 3.

No.

As long as you don't roll a 1, you're—

Yeah, it's— I rolled a 14 plus 11.

Okay, so plenty. 25.

I got a 25 on my stealth check.

So you disappear briefly.

Yeah. Now, how do you stealthily wake Elliott?

Put his hand over his mouth.

I'm trying to wake him up, not kill him.

Shh! That's why you leave the nose uncovered.

Yeah.

So I don't have to smother him. Oh, please put your hand in my mouth.

Oh no!

Oh no, no, no, no!

Absolutely do that.

Nope, I'm going— I'm going to— I'm going to start poking him in the collarbone.

In the collarbone specifically? OK. You can accomplish that.

Elliott's going to reach up and grab your finger and he's going to bend your finger back.

Okay, well, that breaks stealth.

Well, no, I, I'm not screaming. I just grab it and I bend it back.

Don't poke!

There is a thing on the other side of the fucking door that sounds exactly like Helm, but And that's supposed to mean? I'm just warning you that there was a thing outside of the barn, and I saw a creepy thing. I describe it with like, like weirdly long appendages. Well, you weren't listening.

No, you didn't see any of those things.

I saw and heard. I have 2 senses. They're connected now.

At the same time.

Okay, fine.

It has to be true.

Anyway, I am just letting you know that there is definitely a thing near here that's able to copy voices. It was definitely Em, and she was talking about a book, and I don't recall her talking about a book.

She didn't write down her name.

You hear her mumble from his sleep.

I'm picking up more voices all the time.

Thanks for waking me up to tell me that. Is it my watch?

It's also your watch.

Okay.

Go get some sleep. Good luck.

With what you saw and heard, that'd be a bitch to sleep through.

I'm going to need a Charisma check from him.

Oh yeah, I'm going to have some fun memory viewing, meditative, whatever the fuck elves do. Uh, night vision.

Night vision.

That doesn't make it any less worth it.

No, I think that's a good advantage.

Anyway, uh, did you say a Charisma save?

Yeah.

Uh, 15. Okay, you don't have a point of exhaustion.

I don't know why I asked, they're both fucking zeros. No paranoid, thank you.

Anytime, buddy.

Yeah, I'm so glad we're doing this.

Whatever I can do for you.

At 1:30 in the morning.

Oh yeah, no, the episodes throughout Balatia are gonna screw with my mind. Like the whole cryptids, all of those freak me out.

Dude, I'm so happy. Shit points.

I'm so ready for this.

Yeah. Please, it's boring.

Yeah, as you're talking about Mothman, I'm looking at the Mothman mini behind you. Just be like, yep, that's gonna suck.

Yeah, no, all of these are garbage.

We won't have to buy them.

What's Eliot doing on his watch?

Is there in this building any candles? Like a beeswax candle or something?

I'm going to say probably not a candle. Maybe like a Like a hurricane lantern, maybe?

Something like that? No, no. For what Elliott wants, he needs a candle.

What are you planning on doing, a séance?

No.

Go to sleep.

That would be the world's worst idea.

Was I there?

Was I telling you how to do your watch? No, but I'm just paranoid now. Go to sleep.

It'll get better. So Elliott looks around a bit, can't find any candles. Yeah, this being specifically an old, like, So at this point, Elway's just gonna walk over to the door, check to see if it's locked. If it's not locked and if there's a way to lock it, he's gonna lock it.

Okay.

And then if there's not—

even if there—

even if he locks it, he's just gonna sit down with his back against the door.

Okay.

And he's just gonna sit there and just watch.

So just using ears only? If you're perceiving?

Yeah, pretty much.

And you see James in the corner, and he's definitely never going to admit this, but he's definitely curled up into a ball, very similar to the way that Mel was.

He's still there.

So he's going to go about halfway through his watch.

Oh yeah.

And be incredibly bored with it. So he's going to pull his rope out of his pack. He's going to shake it out. And he's going to cast Rope Trick. He's going to take the rope up above him, and then he's just going to curl up with his back against the door and wait for the spell to stop so the rope falls on him and wakes him up.

For the first pick, give me a disadvantage perceiving.

I think you're the first person to use fucking Rope Trick as an alarm clock.

Well, I wanted to find a candle. I rolled an 18 and an 18.

Wow.

For a total of 20.

That's cool. You're meant to perceive this. So not looking, but, you know, windows work, right? Whether you're looking out or not. And you're sitting there. I'd say it's when you're starting to get— as you're doing the setting your alarm clock Fucking clever, by the way. That's cool. You glance, yeah, yeah, I mean, just staring at nothing, it's almost impossible. You're looking around. On one of your sweeps through the window, you swear you saw almost— what is that painted on the screen?

Mm.

Almost that kind of extended wrong face peek up through the window and duck back down. Peek up through the window. And just at the very edge of your hearing, you swear you hear the scratching. And somehow— give me a charisma save. Yeah, because it's fucking scary.

Nat 20.

Damn.

Ellie, it is sketchy.

You fucking unflinch. 4d20.

Of steel.

Just as you're dozing off You swear you hear Em's voice sounding scared and distant.

Help! That— the scratching sound. Tell me I feel that on the other side.

I would like to request that our future podcasts be done in the middle of the afternoon. Or until further notice.

Because of the nat 20 charisma save, I'm going to just take my elbow and he's just going to thump the door.

Boom!

And just go, knock it off!

And then he's going to go to sleep.

Alright.

I'm not putting up with this shit.

And roughly one rope trick later, the rope attacks you. The rope falls.

And then he's going to say, oh, it's got to be morning yoga.

Mal.

Shh, Mal. This is an audio format. The audience can't hear you staring.

He's gonna whisper quietly to the microphone.

I was waiting for him to do something else.

Mel's ignoring him because she only hears it.

Yeah, well, no, not only that, like, we've already proven Mel So, Belle had nightmares all night from these stories because apparently cryptids are also her weakness. So Belle was tossing and turning all night and finally gets to sleep. She hears something go, psst, Belle, and she's over here going, mm-mm.

I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it.

That's all you hear is Belle going, mm-mm.

Elliott's going to look at her for just a moment. and he's going to put his index finger in his mouth. It's going to get really wet, and he's going to reach down. He's going to wet Willie Mel's ear.

Damn it, Eliot, it is you.

It's your watch.

In a mood.

Hey, I gave you the easy out. You, you chose not to.

I only heard you. How was I supposed I just wanted to know it was really you.

Well, I could have let you smell my finger. That's next time. And I'm going to go right down.

I thought we were supposed to avoid skunk smells.

Okay.

Well, you're tired. This was a rough night.

Yeah, um, I believe I'd rolled a 2 on that, so that's 6. For your charisma save.

Yeah, you've got a point of exhaustion.

Oh joy.

That'll help against the cryptid.

Psychological damage.

Emotional damage.

I think Mel makes it about 15 minutes before remembering that Emery said she wanted to train with her, and then she goes and wakes Emery up. But as she's like sitting there, I don't hear anything. She's just looking at the ceiling because if she doesn't look out the window, she can't see anything either.

Oh, great person to have in watch.

She's over here. Remember, don't get scared, get angry. Don't get scared, get angry. Don't get scared, get angry. Shit, I'll just wake Emery up.

Wake up.

Already, huh? Fuck. Yeah, yeah, we totally need to do some quiet morning training. Pointedly looking at the wall. Not that wall, the one without the window.

You, you kill— how about you look at the one without the window and I'll look at the one with the window?

At your own risk. Okay, deal.

Wait one sec. And Emery just gives like the biggest stretch.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Yeah.

Significantly less purple than the day before.

Yeah.

It's more yellow.

Yeah, that yellow-green grossness.

Yeah.

Then crawls out of her bedroll and—

Okay.

Everything—

I guess I'm ready.

Everything cracks.

Yeah.

OK, we'll just watch for a while and then when it starts to get a little bit light, then we'll start our morning stuff.

OK, works for me. So you're not anywhere near the window, you're just kind of looking at the window wall? Is that my understanding?

Yeah, I think I would move a little bit closer so I can see out it. OK.

So full Normal perception.

Yeah.

Disadvantaged perception.

I am trying to keep watch on things. And that's a 13 for me.

Okay.

That's a passive. It was actually below passive.

You got disadvantage, so passive minus 5 is 4.

Oh shit, okay, hang on. Uh, yeah, 4.

Cool. 14.

I mean, that tracks. Mel's sitting here determined neither to hear nor see anything, so she's staring at the wall and hoping.

And 13.

13.

13, you hear—

Also another 13.

Yeah, that's 4 13s.

Yeah.

You hear just at the edge of your hearing, you're pretty fucking sure it's Em's voice.

Oh?

I would—

can we see the build— like, is the building that they were sleeping in in line of sight of the window? Do they know of where we're sleeping?

Roll me a d4.

D4 for cardinal directions?

4.

I'm going to say no then. OK.

Does that sound like it's coming from the direction that they're staying in?

Nope.

Okay, well, in that case, I think Emery is really unsettled by that because, like, her instinct is to go and help, but knowing and listening to—

You, at the very edges of your vision, I think you see something white moving just barely through the trees. Can't make it anything out, really. There is movement.

And I think Emory is watching, listening, as she debates for a strong moment. And then she's like, no, I'm going to take the advice of the people who live here. I'm not gonna fucking investigate that, and I'm sure as shit not gonna tell Mel I see it.

Because all you hear is Mel over here, I see nothing, I hear nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing.

But I am, I am watching intensely out the window and listening very hard. Where Mel is purposely not listening, Emery is listening extra. And we wait till it gets a little bit light outside.

Yeah, once it gets light outside, then we'll go ahead and— okay, uh, morning routine. And Mel's like still staring at the wall. Okay, uh, just look at me and do what I do.

I'm gonna scoot back just a little bit so that Mel's in front of me, but I'm still facing the window.

Yeah, there you go.

We're just like standing in the middle of the room.

The last thing you see right before the light fully breaks, you thought it was a tree. It's big, brown, and it just steps back into the forest. And it's like you could barely— it looks like a tree trunk went And it's out of sight.

And Mel has moved on to like the next two poses, and Emery's like frozen for a solid minute.

Like, fuck yeah! And that's where we're gonna end the episode. Welcome to Appalachia. Theater of the Mind presents Retribution as Amanda Arston as Mel Kelly, Jerry. Jeremy Arfton as Elliot Brandybane, Michael Burnell as Olnoch Vargard Johnson, Michael Downs as James O'Brien, Casey Weingarten as Emery Lee, and myself, Mike Schach, as your Dungeon Master. We release episodes every 2 weeks, so our next episode will drop on October 5th. Just as a disclaimer, don't be surprised if there are some more bonus episodes released in the back half of this month. Your DM is getting married. So I'll have other priorities. As always, we have a promo code for both Pinecast, who we use to host our podcast, and Epidemic Sounds, where we get most of our music. The songs we use today in order are Nordic Rust by Northside, Clouds by Lars Meyer, Flaws instrumental version by Tommy Ljungberg, The Three Ravens by Per Kjellborg, and Deepest Woods by Mark Torch. The Theater of the Mind intro and outro were written by Mike Schach. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of our collective imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or people living or dead is entirely coincidental. Oh, welcome to Appalachia.

I can't wait to camp out there.

I don't know what the big tall tree one was, but it's gonna be so great. I can't wait to be in individual tents.

I don't want to mess with the wraith. I want nothing to do with that.

Um, yeah, no, seriously, can we do these in the afternoon for a couple of months?

I mean, shit, if you're awful.

Yeah, it's his schedule more than anything. I'm free.

Freaking ballsy of Elliot to be like yelling.

I'm sure I'll be fine.

Only because he rolled a nat 20 on his charisma save. I would have played that completely different if he'd rolled differently, right?

Yeah, the nat 20 made it harder.

I don't think it was thematically possible for Elliot to roll