S1:E71 – ...And Dragons P.2, The Invisiwitch

Theater of the Mind podcasts are intended for mature audiences. Listener discretion is advised. Content warnings can be found in the podcast description. Welcome to Theater of the Mind Presents Retribution, episode number 71. My name is Mike, I'm your Dungeon Master, And this was originally part of the last episode, but that was about to be the longest episode ever. So instead, here is part 2 of Dragons. For our recap this episode, last episode, the crew got Bradbury back to camp just in time for Jacob to sound the alarm. And we're picking up right back in the heat of the action.

Remember the dodge rolls!

You gotta roll out!

Oosh!

Oosh!

Ouch!

So what you do see— The green dragon rapidly assesses the situation, sees its rider is down, and it launches itself forward directly at Jakob. Snag and starts to fly.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And it's going to take the Dash action.

Ah, fuck.

How many more times can— oh wait, no, you can teleport 20 feet? Yeah, that'll help a lot. So can you Dimension Door and then—

I got one more Dimension Door.

So you guys are by Red. Green was here, comes across, grabs him, and moves a grand total of 160 feet from its starting location. And I'm going to say it takes up like 40 feet up. On this first, which basically he's about 120-ish feet from you currently.

Okay.

I have a bad idea, but I'm going to need your help.

Yeah.

James, can you do that thing again?

I can only fart once.

Once per day, that's all the farts I got.

I got a backup. I made a beans! Can't do it, Kev. You can do it, though.

You guys are going to have to arm wrestle over who gets to be teleported onto the dragon.

No.

Why do you get to be teleported onto the dragon?

Because I like to ride on gigantic things.

The red dragon moves to the side, flanking. You are 20 feet away. You're fucking You're 10 feet from her. You're fucking chilling kind of by yourself-ish.

Yeah.

My camp was 250 feet away, was my camp.

Yeah.

Mel and Olmak are basically next to each other there.

I need Dex saves.

Saves?

Yes.

OK. Well, it's not great. Probably not going to do it.

22.

12, fail. 12 damage.

Me? 12?

24 halved to 12 because you're angry.

Because she bit you.

She saved, you're mad.

I'm mad now.

Which brings you to 63.

Sure, I just add them up and then when my total damage equals my hit points, I know I'm unconscious.

And 65 to unlock.

Um, she's going to punch Granite?

Yes. Yeah, she has that instrument.

And it is going to finish its movement—

Was the broom?

Um, by closing in the melee with you.

Okay.

It assessed the output and yours was higher, so it is coming to you. And that's its turn. Elliot.

Elliot's boots are activated, so he's going to run 40 feet and then he gets to bonus action another 40 feet. So he's going to get 80 foot closer to the red dragon.

To the red dragon?

Which, well—

Nobody's going to— are you closer to the green dragon?

The problem is, is 80— He was, with what you said, he was 410 feet away. I could do 80 feet closer to either one. Are they—

Honestly, actually, that's a fair— it's kind of the same direction.

OK.

So I do plus 80.

Because dragon kind of took off towards-ish.

OK, so that's going to put me 80, 300.

I have Evasion. I didn't take any damage.

OK. That gives me—

Sorry, I was reading Stunning Strike and then I saw Evasion down there and I'm like, oh, wait a minute.

And then Elliott's going to—

Yeah.

Elliott's going to get—

75.

Yeah.

Sorry, Elliott.

Elliott's going to get 2 shots at the green dragon with Jacob. OK. And Edna May's got goddamn Hunter's Mark. The lowest roll was 23.

Yeah. OK.

It's going to be 6, 10, 16, 17 total piercing damage from his longbow on Green Dragon.

All right.

And I'm going to yell, whether he can hear or not, I don't know, but I'm just going to yell, Sansard!

The question is, is Jacob far enough along in his monk training to where he has Slow Fall?

Anyway, that's my turn. That's all I got.

Now would be the time, boy. You're a little late to the party.

Use the sword, Luke, use the sword. Forget the Force, use the sword.

Gotta have fucking so many goddamn characters.

It's so hard.

You can delete one of the dragons, that'd be fine.

No, I'm not talking about— I'm trying to find fucking Jacob.

Oh.

I've got so many characters in D&D Beyond.

I think I'm up to like 130 characters.

Wow, not that high. That's ridiculous.

I get bored, I make characters.

I do that too, but I'm usually generating characters for Barbs and Burrs anymore.

God, I need to.

And I'm doing it on the spreadsheet.

If you need characters, I have I think one of everything built.

Yeah, you've got a bunch.

I can— I carry the binder with me to every session now. I finally refilled it.

Nice. The big book of backups?

Yeah.

So far we're doing good. We're kind of running regulars mostly. So yeah, I haven't needed them as much.

In all seriousness, I should just fucking give you the book because you keep getting the weird people. Well, not the weird, but the non-standards.

Interesting.

Doesn't sound better.

Unaffiliated.

Unaffiliated.

There you go.

That's not better. I don't know if we can save that statement.

There we go.

Uh, Elliott just went, did some hurts upon a dragon. Jimmy, you are not hidden.

You're right. Can you paint a picture as to what—

Wait, was it him or me?

I was going to say Alnok should have—

It'll be Alnok Snager.

You moved your initiative. I moved you in the initiative order.

OK, that's fine.

You wanted to hold your initiative.

That's fine.

That's fine.

OK, so now you are last out of the quartet. Quintet. Fivetet.

Fivetet?

Quintet.

Quintet.

I was not sure how that function worked.

Yeah, you held your initiative. I moved you down.

OK. OK, that works.

Just to make it easy.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

So it's my understanding that the green dragon currently has Jacob.

So Emery's on deck.

Green dragon has Jacob and is flying about like 200 feet that way.

Basically, yeah.

It's hauling ass.

Red dragon is currently where? 160.

Red dragon is right next to me.

OK, it's right next to him.

Yes. On the ground.

Yes.

So you can get sneak attack.

So it's about 5 feet from Mel.

OK.

But yes, if you hit it, you get sneak attack on hit. Cool, I am— I'm going to say the green dragon is not in melee with—

With Jakob?

Jakob. It has Jakob.

Right.

I'm going to help Old Knuck with the dragon.

Somebody else was about to ask a question, but I don't remember who you were.

I think Mel's next after—

But honestly, it doesn't matter.

You're right, I'm wrong.

Mel is next. And then Emery Olmak.

I was going to say, if Emery's planning on transporting me, then I'll wait for you anyway. So you go.

All right.

Sorry.

Forget Dixie.

It's all good.

Anyway.

This is a high-stakes fight.

Yeah.

So I'm going to go after the red dragon that Olmak is currently dealing with so I can help him with his kid. Hopefully everyone else can get the Green Bastard. Anyway, I'm going to run up and I'm going to stab the fucking dragon with a sword.

Nope.

Theoretically.

Oh, hopefully.

Wow, it was all over the place. It was on a 20 for so long. I fucked that one and I missed.

Okay.

Oh, damn.

Bummer.

Yeah, it went from a natural 20, 26, to a 2 for a total of 8.

Yeah, nope.

Ouch.

That did not do it, bud. Shame, sure. From the dragon, no.

I don't know, I got a pretty good stealth.

I think you can move to the other side. No, you're not, you're not a halfling, so no, you can't.

Yeah, no, you can't hide.

Like, can you hide from the dragon by hiding like behind its legs or something?

No, unless you're halfling.

Yeah, I'm going to bonus action disengage and technically hide behind Orion.

Putting an Olnak between you and a dragon.

Yes.

That is a smart move.

It is. I'm hiding behind a wall.

Yeah, less hide, more shield.

Yes.

Beautiful.

You got this, Olnak!

I'm behind you all the way.

Mel is moving her initiative or holding her action?

Holding. I will hold my action.

OK.

For if Emery teleports, then you punch?

Yes.

She's going to punch a dragon in the air.

Teleporting to green?

Yeah, Emery is going to run into melee with the red dragon.

You're going to—

And cast a spell and teleport Mel and herself onto the green dragon.

Dope.

That'd be funnier if you like just stuttered teleport gravel on the ground.

I just wanted to lay the seed for that. I don't think there's anything the dragon can really do about it.

No.

Very fucking scary for— Emery did not like running that close to this thing, but.

It cannot stop you.

No.

That is correct.

It doesn't even get an opportunity attack with its long horn.

No, and you haven't left its threatened area. It is hauling ass and you are hopping onto it As it's airborne?

Mm-hmm.

That's the hope.

Then I am desperately grabbing to make sure I don't fucking fall off this thing.

That's the thing where I think a Dex save.

OK.

So you— because I mean, this thing's moving 160 feet per 6 seconds, which is quick.

Pretty quick.

If you fall off, you got that bonus action.

Glitch your way to the ground.

That'd be really funny if just Emery lets go and it just teleports back. It's going 40 feet up right now. Teleporting.

10.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What'd you get, Mel?

14.

Um, give— I'm going to do another bend luck for Mel. Roll a d4, add it.

OK.

I got a 3. I'm fucking falling off this thing. Yeah, you're falling off this thing.

She's a 4, but—

Okay.

And then I am going to teleport 20 feet closer to the ground.

So you're only going to take 2d6 fall damage from 20 feet.

Okay.

The first 10 feet's free, 1d6.

1d6.

Yep.

2.

Did you blow up because of Dimension Door?

No, I did not.

That's good.

Okay, Mel's on the dragon, she's going to punch it.

Goodness sake.

That'd be really funny if you teleported to the dragon's back, had a wild magic surge, cast fireballs on the back of it, and then just fucking dropped off.

Jacob is in the threatened area.

Fireball.

So is Mel.

Yeah.

Jacob just—

Jacob dies a lot easier than I do.

Yes.

Uh, yeah, go ahead.

Okay. Uh.

Be like, where's Emry?

On a held action, she still gets both attacks, right?

I believe so.

No, held action only one.

Only one? Okay.

But I automatically get 2 attacks per 1 action. Like, that's not attack and bonus action.

It's the held action as written. It's just the one.

Okay.

Um.

16 to hit.

On the dragon is a miss.

Okay.

And I am double checking to make sure that we are correct before we move on from your turn.

But you are held on to a dragon.

I am riding a dragon, so. Does that have a harness or anything on it?

I mean, it should if it was being ridden, it might.

Well, I was just thinking like maybe there's some magical way of controlling 8 seconds, Mel, you got 8 seconds! You can ride the next one.

Rules as written, a readied attack is only a single attack.

That's not a ruling that we thought of.

Yeah, I'm like, I wish it wasn't, but I know that's as written.

Unfortunately, that seems to be consensus.

I made my attempt riding a dragon.

And it burns your reaction to do so. Not that this thing really can leave your threatened area.

Nope.

You are currently clung onto its back.

I cling onto its back and I go to punch and I hit the saddle.

Fuck.

Jacob, hold on! Or don't hold on, but fall gently. Protect your head!

You're teaching a youngling monk Mid-dragon chase.

When better?

And had a slow fall.

When better?

When making the move.

Think light thoughts, protect your head.

Think happy thoughts.

Yeah, I think Jeremy's right.

Yeah, because you use an action to ready the action, then your reaction fires off. The reaction only allows for one attack.

It's—

yeah, it's— yeah, I'm like, unfortunately, I know that's what it is. But yeah, action makes the ready.

Emery took 2.

Yeah, I'm laying on the ground out of, like, fully air knocked out of me at the very least, staring up at this green dragon flying away with Mel and Jakob.

I just feel like—

That is really super fitting that it's you two.

You know, at least Jakob won't be alone.

Bye, guys! I'm just going to go with my Jacob! But maybe don't because we're getting high. Right, yeah.

Let him know you're— Down, down!

Yeah, that's really what this is about.

It works with the brew!

Down, down, down!

Hold on.

I'm squared up, we're going. Rounds, let's fight this fucking dragon.

Dragon, cool.

It's in front of me.

Yes, it is.

What else am I going to fight?

Is that non-contact?

Emily disappeared.

Oh, that's right.

So as far as I know, I don't know where the fuck she is. She dropped Emily for the time being. That's all I know. But there's a dragon in my fucking way and it needs to get the fuck out of my way.

That's fair.

Double attack.

Never decapitate a dragon.

Yeah, you're basically—

21 hits.

You're between the dragon and your daughter.

25.

Both hit.

Nice.

Okay.

He's got reverse AC. The 25 misses. Dragon runs stack-o.

Roll under!

Damn it.

I don't know how strong that would be. 6 plus 7, 13?

6 plus 7 is indeed 13.

OK, just double-checking my math there. 8 plus 7 is 15.

Yep.

So you got 28 damage.

Nice.

So it's basically 14 plus 14.

I hate this.

You're making me do it.

You're playing the wrong game.

Minus 30 plus 2.

All D&D is, it's just math disguised as roleplay.

Yes.

All right, now it's my turns.

My turns.

All right, so the first thing you see is a sudden absence of Emily's.

What?

No shit. Motherfucker.

As she appears 30 feet away, it appears to be floating.

Wow.

Bouncily.

The invisibitch got her.

Yes.

If I catch her, I'm going to hurt her.

If you want to go get her, I will deal with the dragon.

Invisibitch.

Jacob.

You told him to go with the Sun Sword. OK, I'm going to treat Jacob as a combat.

Oh, scary.

So you see, barely, because it's day— actually, it's dinner time, so the sun's starting to set, and I got them flying off into the sunset.

set. Ah, picturesque.

In my mind, you ran to the west, they're flying— no, you ran to the east, they're flying to the west.

Okay.

And you see— you very see it's now fucking bright.

Ah, sunlight!

Fucking new.

Fortunately, he had it long enough he was able to attune to this blade.

Yeah.

Non-distinct lightsabers.

The Quadian goes into the dragon!

Cut his foot off!

Yeah!

Yeah! I know that. I know how swords work, Mel.

There's no way we can communicate.

Oh no, I know. It's not my turn.

I know.

His attempt to attack fails. He rolled a 10 on this.

Damn.

Does he get advantage because the dragon's not expecting it?

He's not a rogue.

Dang it.

He's a monk.

He could have learned from him too.

A monk rogue.

I mean, super not hidden.

He could be a super—

Fucking multiclassed monster.

Yes. A little bit of rogue, a little bit of barbarian, a little bit of ranger.

Rage boy!

Rage!

I'm hoping that if he surprises him and gets a cut like on his foot, He's running all the way back to the corner.

Yeah, that's kind of the extent of what I mean. I mean, he's being held.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's just— it's hard.

Right.

Yeah, he traded. You 2 with the weapon.

Yeah, you with the weapon fighting sideways while flying through the air and being crushed by dragon grip.

Yeah.

Not Jacob's day.

spitting out pieces of grass too.

You know what, I'm also kind of counting on the bad guys really want Jacob badly, so hopefully they've got orders not to kill him.

Yeah.

Another question is, are the dragons on the phone?

That is a question.

Terrifying question.

They're intelligent enough to speak, I would imagine.

They're intelligent enough to understand the rule and they're intelligent enough to do whatever they think is right.

They don't care.

Where on the dragon would you have aimed to land? My instinct says saddle adjacent.

Pretty much.

Okay, and saddle for me is right between the wings.

Pretty much.

That'd be the stablest.

Yeah.

Kind of like square in the middle of the back.

Okay.

You did try to punch it.

And I missed.

Which I'm going to say was, just, it's not brass like the last one, but it's still natural armor.

Yeah.

So it was just the overcoming its scale did not work.

I probably tried to shuffle on towards the saddle just to get a better grip on it.

Okay.

I wouldn't have had a ton of movement.

Dragons have— the green dragons specifically have long serpentine-ish necks, very Shmowdy snakey neck.

I don't like where this is going.

Can it do that and fly at the same time? That feels very acrobatic.

Look and run at the same time?

Yeah.

I have—

Turn your head and bite at your own back and fly?

I mean, I mean, the plus I can think of is—

You know obstacles?

I would say that'd be a concern.

I was going to say the plus I can think of is that it might slow down, which means that it might—

Well, it can't take the dash action and attack you at the same time.

Yeah, like maybe it'll, like, lose a little elevation. I would argue that it loses elevation while attempting to do that because it can't flap and bite at the same time.

I will say it won't gain elevation.

OK. I'll take it.

Stays level.

It is going— now normally it gets 3 attacks, 2 with its claws which are occupied, 1 with its face which is less occupied.

Face attack!

It's about to become occupied.

18 on the dice to hit you.

Just.

Plus a bunch.

Oh, right, that.

Just barely hits me.

So does a 25 hit?

Yeah, yeah.

It is going to choose to grapple instead of harm you.

Okay, so it's just going to hold me in the cage of its teeth?

And straighten its head. And then it's going to choose to end the grapple.

Oh no.

I don't do it.

I have Slow Fall.

You have Slow Fall.

Yep.

And it did not gain elevation, it remained at 40 feet, so that is 3d6 for normal people. You take half the damage with Slow Fall.

Um, let's see, I can use my reaction when I fall to reduce falling damage to 5 times my monk level.

You used your reaction to use your held action.

Cool. Well, I just fall.

So 3d6 of damage. 2, 6, 8. 6 more is a number 14 damage.

OK. Ow. Bringing—

which actually applies to you this time.

Yes, it does.

In fact.

Bringing you down to 61.

OK.

And it is going to use its movement to continue moving levelly. Does not gain altitude, as I said. 80 feet away.

Doesn't happen to drop me close to Elliott, does it?

No, I'm—

No, he's fucking not near anybody.

I'm 330 feet away and then he flies another 80, so I'm back to 410 feet away from him.

I thought we started like 300 feet away from him.

I did.

You guys teleported into the mess.

I teleported like 300 feet away.

Yeah, I said it was about 300 feet.

You've been running, you should be closer than 300 feet by now.

Oh, I did my math. I did my math to that guy that I was 300 feet away. I ran 50 feet closer, then he flew further away.

Oh no, he's moving this way.

He said he's moving towards you.

He's moving towards you.

Oh, towards me?

Sort of, like not at you, but—

Yeah, so did you happen to— did he happen to drop me close to Elliott? This will matter when it comes to my turn again.

It has now moved diagonally. What is that, 240 feet from its starting at 300 feet away from you?

It was 300, it's 2. Oh, then that would have put him about 60 feet away.

He's 60 feet away from Elliott.

And then I ran 40 feet closer to him. So yeah, I was about 20 feet away.

And you were running specifically towards Red.

Yeah.

So you're moving this way, it's moving this way.

Oh, okay.

That paint a better picture?

Yeah.

Okay. Sorry, I was just trusting your math.

Yeah, yeah, I was doing things straight.

I wasn't doing angles with it.

Gotcha. So it puts him about— drops her about 40 feet away from me.

You're about 40 feet away from him.

Okay, cool, thanks.

Yeah.

That was Green's turn. Red's turn.

Red's got a whole lot of points.

It very has a lot of points. Very much a lot of points. And it is going to try to bite you, sir.

Okay.

And that is a 15 to hit you, I believe misses.

Yes.

Back to the top, Elliott. Mel just fucking thwapped.

So I've got Elliott and Emery with the green dragon.

Emery's on the floor now as well. She did not make her—

Oh, okay.

So you have a collection of friends.

I'm a little bit further away than Mel.

So I've got, I've got the dragon kind of passing by me, running that way with Jacob. I've got My friend's fighting a red dragon some ways away up there. And I see a visible— what I assume is Edna May running away with Amelia.

Yes, there is a child bouncing, totally.

A bouncing baby child.

So I have got Edna May Hunter's Mark.

You do have Edna May Hunter's Mark.

So this is going to take a DM ruling on this. Hunter's Mark gives me advantage on attempting to track my prey.

OK.

Is one of the main things about Hunter's Mark. Would that give me an ability to possibly know Edna May's position? It would still be disadvantage to attack her because she's invisible, but would it allow me to fire upon her position?

I'm going to say— I'll say yes, because you've also got Reason to believe. Well, because that's how she was carrying her before. So it looks the fucking same.

OK, so I can— again, it'll be disadvantage.

Yes.

But I should be able to— all right, I'm going to try.

I mean, you killed a guy doing exactly the same thing, so.

Fine.

You got this.

All right.

She's just a little harder to see.

This is going to be my disadvantage dice.

All right.

So nat 1, that one misses. I got to roll it again. Again, 11 plus 6 gives me 17 to hit.

Hits.

For 8 points of piercing damage on Edna May. If she's holding any concentration spells like Invisibility, she might have to make a save.

She is not concentrating on why she's invisible.

Oh, it was the wild magic.

It was, it was worth a shot.

You said 8 damage?

8 damage, yeah.

Okay.

Whoa, no, nope, no, no.

Oh, I— oh no, that was both attacks.

Shit.

Did you do the extra damage for Hunter's Mark?

Oh, oh, I did not do— I did not do extra damage for Hunter's Mark. Thank you. An additional 6 points for Hunter's Mark. Thank you.

I'd forgotten that one. Beautiful.

Goddammit, I don't know shit.

I'm going to come— I'm just going to stop where I'm at because I don't know what I'm going to do.

Fair.

That's the end of my turn.

That's super reasonable.

I don't know what I'm going to do here.

This is not going well.

So that was it, my turn.

Jaime.

Uh, yeah.

You are 5 feet from a dragon.

I'm— Well, technically, you've got a dragon between you and the dragon.

Yeah, there's a dragon between you and Onak. You have an Onak between you and the dragon.

How far is the invisible—

Fuckin'—

The invisible is 60 feet.

60 feet, so I could get there in a turn.

And she's now got an arrow sticking in her.

That makes it easier to find her.

But her blood's invisible.

Ah, but I have a dagger that allows me blindsight.

Within 20 feet.

But I can— I can move.

You can pull a dagger as part of your movement because your other one you had out was a sword.

Yeah, you can pull your dagger as your movement.

You'd have it offhand.

Yeah, okay, perfect. So I'm going to equip the Blindsight Dagger. I'm going to run 30 feet and I'm going to bonus action dash 30 feet.

Okay.

And then I'm just—

You can Blind See her.

I can Blind See her. I know exactly what the fuck she looks like and I'm going to stab her in the back. With my Sword of Wounding.

There you go.

Wow.

You don't have disadvantage because of the—

You can now see her.

Aha!

Yes!

However, Em is not a combatant. You won't have sneak attack.

Right, yeah. Very not hidden.

You're fine.

It'd be fun to come fucking screaming up behind her. Get back here!

Fucking, fucking, fucking.

The fastest fucking fighting team on the face of the planet.

We can't hit what we're aiming at, but we do it really quickly.

That is a 17 to hit.

Edna hits.

Yes.

All right.

And she's going to be wounded by the Sword of Wounding.

Yep.

Which you will need to keep track of because I won't.

Yes, sir. For a whole 6 points of piercing damage.

You did 100 Smart to her.

I wonder if being under the thrall in those magic circles made her some kind of sleeper agent.

Maybe.

I wonder if she's been a sleeper agent.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, she did just kind of appear.

She did.

And the people she was with just were dead.

Kind of died. Yeah, it's weird.

I don't know. Not really thinking about that much.

So at this—

Start of her turn, she'll take a d4 of necrotic damage.

Yarr.

Melanie, you have met the earth.

I've met the earth. I hit the earth with a—

Firm handshake.

Firm handshake.

I get back up and I look up and I go, Eliot, broom! And I run up to Eliot.

Eliot doesn't have the broom, Orlok has it.

No, we usually store it in Eliot's quiver. My assumption would be that we did that during our break.

He has the quiver.

Jacob has the quiver. Olnoch has the broom.

Yes.

Well, then where are your arrows coming from?

My normal quiver.

And we could— okay. Why does Olnoch have the broom?

Because Olnoch was the last one to have it.

We've rested since then!

I don't know, it was never stated.

Okay, how far am I from Olnoch?

Like a lot.

A ways. 170 feet.

I dash.

Okay.

Because my only option— I'm a close, up-close fighter. My only option is to get to a place to get closer.

No, your logic is totally sound.

Yeah.

Like—

Since when did you give the—

why did you give all your shit to Jacob?

Because I wasn't expecting to come back.

If he didn't give the quiver, you guys would all be super duper dead because you took a pocket dimension into the portable hole.

I know that.

Mel doesn't know that.

Mel's pissed because it's not where it's supposed to be because we put our shit back where we found it.

Story-wise, that's why I gave it to Jacob, because he wasn't expecting to come.

Metagaming-wise, we didn't want to blow up the fucking Citadel.

I know as a player why Elliot doesn't have his quiver.

Set off a small nuke in the Citadel. All right, we're ready to go. From the Citadel's perspective, a 14-story building just fucking detonates.

No, the worst part is it would have happened on the top of the building outside of the Citadel.

You wouldn't even have hurt any of them.

You wouldn't even hurt anybody.

What the fuck was that? There's some people camping and they just fucking detonated.

They just blew up the building.

Why do I see like a platypus flying through the sky?

I didn't know those could fly. He launched out of his air well like a cannon. Oh, that's fucking awesome. In an alternate reality.

In an alternate version of this quest.

One dude gets fucking annihilated. Buy like 160 pounds of platypus.

Specifically a giant platypus. That fills a 10-foot by 10-foot square.

Big motherfucker.

You could get 4.

That dude is incredibly big.

That's more than 160 pounds of platypus is what I'm saying. That's like maybe 400 pounds.

And in 24 hours, Emery comes back and feels really guilty.

Yeah, that man is now a platypancake.

Oh, that's fucking funny. All right, you can travel, mock fucking Jesus.

90 feet around.

Okay, so you are half-ish way to where—

60 feet away.

Can you not action and then spend a ki point to Step with the Wind, do a bonus action dash?

Shoot, shit.

I can Step with the Wind to take a dash action as a bonus action. Bonus action.

So you could move, action, dash, bonus action, dash.

Yeah, I do that.

Which brings you much closer to Olmak, but not quite there. 14 feet?

You're at 120 feet movement. So if you were 170, you're 30 feet away now.

That's not close enough.

Yeah, but—

Shouting, Olmak, broom! Broom!

Give me the broom!

I throw it.

What, you're going to javelin throw a broom?

No, actually, you can send the broom.

Oh, he can send the broom.

You can magically send the broom within a mile.

Yeah.

Like, you can send me the broom. I can't do anything till next round.

So is it an action to do it?

Yeah.

So your action would be doing that instead of hurt Bracken.

That's fine.

You can still bonus action hurt Bracken.

That would make super duper sense for Alnok anyway, because you're, uh, I will die for my people.

Yeah.

And one of your people is being dragged.

It wouldn't even be a thought and it would go. I'm like, bring it on, bitch, square up. Like, I'm still fighting this dragon. Yeah.

One second, dragon, I need to check a broom. Okay, okay, hold please.

She's spent all the ways of running she can Emery.

Okay, cool. How far is the green dragon from me at this moment?

Not that far.

80 up 40.

Okay.

'Cause you yeeted to it and then fell and then it flew.

Yeah. Okay.

And Mel just fucking blows past you, screaming at Elliott for not having a broom.

Why don't you have a broom? And then screaming at Old Doc, give me the damn broom!

She's moving fast enough, you get Doc the broom.

Damn it!

Damn!

All you hear is broom!

Instead of vroom, broom!

Great.

I'm running. I am running in the direction of the green dragon.

That makes sense.

I'm going to run my full movement.

30.

And then my teleport.

That's going to give you 20 more. So you are 10 feet from it, but 40 feet from it.

Great. Lightning bolts.

Directly underneath him.

You're aiming for the back end. This thing takes up a 10 by 10. It's not going to hurt Jacob.

Yep.

Sort of.

Hit him in the booty!

Right in the butthole!

Light his ass on fire.

Dragon, which this—

oh yeah.

Make it as big as you got.

That'd be so fucking mean. Oh, it's a flesh dragon. It's a flesh dragon.

Ew, that's a sentence.

Flesh golem dragon is what I was thinking.

Flesh dragon.

I have to put golem in there or that's really gross.

And I'm sorry that I—

Willed that into existence. 19 plus 1, 20.

Its scales are on the inside. Okay, it saves, but it's, uh, it was 32 damage total.

So that's 16.

Yes.

I can do halves.

Yes.

Halves are easy for some reason. Then I brag about it. I forgot the number I just said.

16.

Thank you.

See, I earned it.

I did that. I earned that.

Did I get?

And then I am going to—

Did you go?

Oh, hang on.

Oh, nope.

I'm good. I am going to—

It'd be really great if you could Wild Magic Surge and get an extra Dimension Door.

I'm going to spend Keep— not Keep points, actually.

Sorcery points.

Mel suddenly loses ki points.

Whoa!

The last 45 feet feel weird.

Spending that on a Frostbite on it as well. It needs to make a Con save.

Okay.

We just start borrowing abilities from—

That is a +3.

Mel feels weird and has a Wild Magic Surge.

Okay.

I mean, you have Rage on it.

It rolls a save, so it does.

And nothing.

Nothing?

Got it.

Yep.

Probably should have used that on True Strike instead, but whatever.

Yeah, still, I mean, yeah, you're—

that makes sense.

Fuck this thing, bring me back Jacob.

We did not almost die to a bunch of fucking bikers to lose Jacob to a dragon.

Oh, I'm sorry, I used my bonus action to teleport. I couldn't have—

Oh, you're right, you're correct. Yep, give you that spell slot back.

Sorry. It's fine.

Okay, no, that's fine.

I get my Swordsweep.

Give me my key points back.

Give me something.

Give me your thingy back.

Give me back my thingy.

Okay, that's everything I got.

Orkira, help me! Hold on, you got a dragon in your face.

Okay.

And you chuck a broom.

You yeet a broom at me.

What are my bonus actions available? Is it just rage?

Bonas—

Offhand Strike. You can hit, you can punch him. You can hit, throw the broom, and then just punch it.

Yeah.

Fuck it, let's do it.

All right.

Put it right in the snow.

Broom coming! And I just— there it goes.

And you are, we decided, 30 feet from him.

Yeah.

And it moves that far around.

It moves 50 feet around.

So it makes it to you.

Yes.

Get a broom.

So left hand chucks broom with magic to save, right hand rears up to punch this motherfucker in the face.

There you go.

And it's going to unarmed strike?

Yep.

Which... 7... 16?

Misses.

Ah, fuck it, I'll use my hammer! And it's definitely, again, the same thing she ran into where its hide is just— you haven't punched in like a while.

It's been a minute. I've been abusing the hammer.

And you just fucking clunk! And I mean, it feels like punching a fucking tree. Like, that sucked. Not, you know, mathematically, but that was unpleasant.

Too bad it's Bark isn't worse than a bite.

And now it's my turn. It's really convenient how my NPCs, even though I don't roll them as a group, end up as a group on a routine basis.

It's a lot easier.

It really is. You, me.

You, me. Yeah, it's easier that way.

I've never once done it on purpose. It just keeps happening.

Edna suffers 2 damage from Necrotic.

Thank you.

If we can drop in, I could get Hunter's Mark and get over on Jakob. And then I can try and—

I'm trying to kill her as fast as possible.

We will need to know the range on Hunter's Mark.

90 feet.

OK, so he is quickly not in range of you.

Yeah. Edna's got Hunter's Mark and I cannot move it until she dies.

Trust me, I am killing her as quick as possible.

Doing everything I can.

Not entirely accurate. There's a loophole.

It's a moving interest track? Oh, I guess you could technically cast it as opposed to moving it as a bonus action.

I see.

Yeah, that is your loophole.

You're welcome.

Oh!

Oh!

Drop concentration.

Jeez.

Jay, uh, James, your day's gonna suck.

Ah, Scheiße.

Why?

Because—

You're standing in front of a dragon.

No, I'm not. I'm currently stabbing an invisible lady.

No.

I'm stabbing the invisible lady in the back.

It's a 19 plus some stuff hit you.

Yes, it does.

8 points of fire damage from a point-blank Scorching Ray.

Ah!

Ah!

For the first of 3.

I was expecting to get burned by a dragon, not the invisible lady.

Did she come visible?

It's not her doing.

18 plus—

It's a blast magic surge.

Yeah.

We can always—

8 again.

Cool. Weird.

Which I have you down to 36 now.

14 minus—

oops, wait, it's weird. That was 19, 18, 17 plus some stuff.

Yeah.

Let me guess, it's going to add up to 8 again. Nope, just 6 this time.

Oh, just 6.

Do you not have any resist to spells?

You have Evasion.

When I can see it coming, which I guess with Blindsight Actually, no, I can spend it.

Yes, you can.

Yeah.

And that was 8 plus 8 is 16 plus 6 is 20-foo, 22 damage.

20-foo?

22. So I give you 11 health back because you evaded?

Or is it just 1? Uncanny Dodge, you can use your reaction to halve the attack's damage against you.

Yeah, so that's 1.

For 1 hit. For 1 hit. And attack.

Yeah. So I assume you take one of the 8s, halve it. So I give you 4 health back, up to 34. I mean, you could do it on the 6.

That'd be weird. Odd choice.

This is a free country. You can do as you want. Despite the Morotar's best efforts.

What was the first thing she hit me with? Scorching Ray?

All 3 of those were one Scorching Ray.

Scorching Ray.

OK.

Sort of.

So 3 rays.

One casting of— She doesn't fire off the second.

Oh, Jacob. I thought the dragon was going to— Where did Jacob go? There he is.

He's in the dragon's claws. Put him there.

It hits.

Yeah!

Oosh!

Oosh!

It does damage of a flavor.

of the flaming variety.

This dragon is not undead, unfortunately.

What does— does Jacob have Favorite Enemy?

No, no, he just picked up like one class.

He is now the jack of all trades.

I was gonna say, what, the Sun Sword is a d6?

Uh, long sword's a d6 damage, right?

Long sword is a d8, short sword is a d6.

What does the Sun Sword do?

It adds another bit of flaming damage. It says another, I think, d6 of flaming damage.

You've got the cards somewhere.

I have the card right here. Uh, it also adds +2 to the attack. It's a +2 weapon. Uh, +10 radiant damage. And it's 1d8 radiant damage in addition to the 1d8 for the lightning sword.

I'm reading when it hits an undead. When you hit an undead with it, it takes an extra 1d8 radiant.

Oh, yes, you are correct.

So it's just basically a +2 sword.

It's a +2 sword. Yes, you are correct.

That makes really bright light.

Yeah, it's one hell of a flashlight.

Yeah.

Which hasn't mattered because up till now you've only ever used it on undead things.

We used it to scare the shit out of a vampire once.

I'm going to give— Dragon does not drop him.

Damn it.

Now the dragon is just going to fucking book shit. It's going to dash. Moving 160 feet total. Wait, let me make sure my math's right.

I think that's too fast. I don't think it moves that fast. I think your math is incorrect.

160.

It flies 80 feet, so—

It moves 160 inches.

Got it.

160 feet per round.

It's really slow.

And Red Dragon has got an Olmak in its face.

Yep.

Olmak just pressed it.

I forgot Edna gets a—

I go hammer.

Edna gets a Con save.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, at the end of it.

14 on the dice.

Ah, it's a DC 15 that she's gotta beat.

Okay.

So she's got a +1 to her Con. And that poor spindly lady.

I gotta find that stat block.

I think I killed her last time. Oh, good.

Hi, Edna. No, no, stay dead.

Come on, die.

She's invisible. You can't see her character sheet.

She gets automatic Pussy Rolls.

She— no. I had to beat what? Sorry.

You had to beat a 15.

Yeah, she does not have a plus 2.

Good.

So she is still wounded for the next turn, correct?

Yes.

Is that what that meant?

Okay.

Now the red dragon has got an unlock in his face.

Yep.

It's going to bite you, sir.

Okay.

With an 18 to hit.

Unfortunately.

That is 12 damage halved to 6 because it is not psychic bite.

Good.

Fucking—

That would be strange.

I'll halve the 6 on Alnok. Brings you down to 59.

Correct. Spectral Dragonborn.

I like that idea.

Spectral.

I was going to yell—

I really thought it was going to be a flurry of attacks.

Yeah, he's going to yell out, we'll find you!

Why are we giving up?

I can't move Hunter's Mark over to Alyce. She's too far now for me to Hunter's Mark and trap.

Hunter's Mark range.

Edna's still invisible.

I have a last stitch. I can get us close.

OK. You got to get to her to pull it off then. All right, then I'm going to fire my 2 shots at the dragon.

The dragon?

The green dragon. Okay.

Are you able to Dimension Door again or no?

All right, here we go.

But I can't move Hunter's Mark, so I don't get the extra damage.

Oh, shit.

Probably not. My best one was 18.

18 hits.

4, 12 points of piercing damage. 13 is definitely not going to hit.

Yeah.

That's all I got.

Do you have movement?

Yeah.

Emery is not crazy far from you.

Last Didge, get to it! Get to me, Elliott!

OK, I'm going to head to— I believe I got 80 feet of movement. I've got 80 feet of movement.

You can get to her.

That's a fucking ditch.

OK. Jaime, you are fighting a ghost you can see well.

Yep, I can sense her annoyingly old aura.

You're doing the Toph.

Yeah.

I'm just metalbending over here. That'd be fun. All right. Anyway, I'm ghostbending.

I like the idea, though, because it's the dagger that allows him it. It's just kind of like a radar wand. He is sensing the vibrations from her.

It's a fucking— it's a metal scanner?

Yeah, exactly.

It's a tuning fork scanner. Kind of an X-ray scanner. You might want to see the vibrations.

I like that.

Anyway, I'm going to stab her in the back.

Enough joking around.

Yeah, that is a 15 to hit.

Hits.

Sweet.

Wounded plus.

Yeah, wounded plus for 5 points of piercing damage. I'm going to bonus action stab her with the Dagger of Blindsight.

Smart. Actually, no, I can't.

You just don't get to add your— you don't get to add your Dex to the damage. So you can still try to hit her with it. You just can't add the bonus to the damage.

Yeah.

Yeah, unless he's got 2 weapons fighting.

Right, which is 6.

That's a 12 to hit.

I don't think I hit.

No, no.

No, okay.

But she does, she is up to 2.

You get close and there's this weird barrier just off of her skin that turns the blade.

It's the vibrations from the staff.

It's the mage armor.

But anyway, on her turn, she's now up to 2d4s.

Beautiful.

Mel.

Okay.

You have a broom.

I have a broom. So what I'm going to do Is I'm going to take the dash action as bonus action running in the same direction the dragon is with the broom in my hand.

Basically 2 moves.

So I can go 90 feet. I'm going to take my movement for 45 feet and then I'm going to get on the broom and go up because I'm trying— and the broom has an additional 50 feet of movement because essentially I'm— the broom goes slower than I can go. When I'm running, so I'm trying to get as much distance as I can before I get on the broom.

That is such a witch thing to do when it's a movement action.

So you're sprinting for your movement.

I'm sprinting for my movement.

So 45.

Or yeah, so I'm running my 45 for my movement. I've got the dash as a bonus action. I'm spending another ki point. So that's 90 feet.

And then action fly 50.

And then action fly additional 50.

Nice!

So that's 140 feet that round you can book.

Yes.

It is really far away. 160 from where it was. It was 170 from Olnoch?

Yeah.

So you were 140 from Olnoch. 140 plus 160 is 300 feet. You close the gap down to—

You're basically at me and Elliott again. You've basically So you basically closed the distance that you ran over to Omoc.

Yeah.

So it's 160 from you.

Okay.

If I did all that mental math right.

I don't know. It's all I've got. It's literally all I've got. So I'm going to do it.

Just keeping it accurate in case it matters.

You have this thing for really, really large battlefields.

Yes, you do!

Like abnormally large. Why large?

You guys keep doing shit outside.

Outside's big.

What are you talking about?

The first time we did battle like that, we ran out there.

Yeah, I was going to say, the first time we had a battle, it took like 5 rounds to get across the church.

I will own the cathedral. The cathedral was really big. Poltergeist House was normal.

Poltergeist House was normal.

Which caused a donation.

It was a really hard fucking battle, but it was the right size.

Oh yeah. Because if that building was—

The one building that makes buildings correctly.

The building was built, nothing went wrong.

But the outside is still out of hand.

Outside's outside.

It's outside of his control.

That's all the thingies. Emery, your last ditch something.

Right. Use all of the rest of my sorcery points. Bonus action regain 4th level spell slot.

Does the Dimension Door him 500 feet?

Both of us. I have to go with it too.

Within that range still.

You want to be on top of it again?

What do you mean again?

Again?

I've never been on top of it.

Again for me.

I was on top of it.

You were on top of a dragon for like 2 seconds.

I rolled off its back.

Pretty much.

It has not gained elevation. It is going for fucking root speed right now. So I will need dexterity saves from the both of you.

Yes.

And I am out of—

I'm going to say it's a DC 12. 15.

17.

OK.

Can Elliott get advantage because he's—

Why do I need advantage?

Because, because you have experience with riding unruly beasts.

Brother, it's 40—

It was a 5. So, yeah, yeah. No, it's 40 feet falling this time. Which is 20 plus 20 plus 20. I use my bonus action to spend my sorcery points.

Plus 20 is 300.

No, I can't. I can't bonus action teleport right now because I used my bonus action on my sorcery points.

So it's 3d6 this time.

Damn it.

2 plus 3 is 5. Boom, boom, boom. Shit!

I am dealing damage to myself this time.

Yes! Your ass. 11 points of bludgeoning damage as you meet the ground again.

Gravity is a pain in the ass.

Which I have you at 37.

Uh-huh.

Gravity, that was a hard roll.

Did you pop it?

No, I did not. I rolled really fucking well on that. I rolled an 18 on that, but I couldn't do that on the fucking Dex.

Damn it!

But you are the most effective taxi this crew's ever seen.

You guys are very welcome.

You could say that she's uber helpful.

Asher's spell. Scatter would be so helpful right now.

Oh my god, yes. I loved that spell.

All right, you are now on the dragon.

That's basically all of your— well, you have movement.

You have movement.

You have to spend half of it to not be crushed anymore.

I'm pretty sure in this case you're using half of that movement to just— on the ground.

Again. Oh my God.

Oh, this is so much worse. And I rolled my feet and I'm running the direction the dragon's moving.

Fucking hobble 15 feet.

Pretty much.

There's a rock underneath you.

Jacob!

Jacob!

I'm coming!

Really, at this point, it's when Elliott falls off, maybe I can at least—

Maybe I can break his fall.

I'm dying.

This is exciting. Wombat, you have a dragon in your face.

I know, he's got to use fucking hit point sponge. Like, fucking, this old lady has my daughter and I want to go fuck her.

It's okay, I'm whittling her down.

I mean, you could run after her and fucking wallop her.

It would be an opportunity attack from the dragon, yes?

You're gonna get hit anyway.

Yeah, so It doesn't matter. How far away is she?

Fucking— it was a dash to get to her?

It was 60 feet.

Yeah, so 60 feet.

40 puts her in hammer range.

Okay.

So I'm—

Hammer only goes 20 feet?

No, hammer goes— well, what's the closest range of the hammer?

I'm pretty sure I've let you yeet that a lot farther.

I thought the hammer was 30 feet.

I can't remember.

I do not remember. It's been a while since that we've actually fought on a big map. Despite how often we say that we do.

Usually it's a small enough map that it doesn't matter what the range of the hammer is.

I think the last time it's mattered was the fucking Captain Spicy Pants.

I swear it's been a while.

Because you were right at the border of your range trying to fight those fucking reanimated tractor monsters.

Yeah, the heavy equipment.

Oh, that's Spicy Pants.

Yeah, Captain Spicy Pants. My pants are getting spicy!

It's in between 20 and 60, so my max range is 60, minimum range is 20.

Okay.

Or melee.

Gotcha. So yeah, you got to run. You got to get 40 feet closer.

Your speed is 40. That's my walk speed, my 40 speed.

So I'll try to hurt you. 19+, I hurt you.

Okay.

For an amount of damage that's halved. 12. Oh, it was 12. Half is 6.

Can you imagine the thoughts going through this dragon's head? Like, ah, finally a worthy opponent who doesn't waste my time.

Hey, get back here! What are you doing?

Where are you going?

I'm going to take care of my daughter. We'll deal with you in a minute.

Brings you to 45. That is—

No.

No, I got 53.

I gave the wrong player her damage.

Give me my health back.

You are all knocked. 53 damage— er, health. Yeah.

53 damage. You're dead!

You are no longer alive.

It just happened to get it just right. That tooth clawed through your ribs. You're dead. Sorry.

All right, double attack. Can I do that? Because my movement is not an action. Movement's separate.

Movement's movement. You can choose to move again if you so choose.

Nat 20!

Yeah!

All of the dice you rolled damage dice you roll doubled.

Okay.

Oh yeah.

But not the plus.

You're doing this on Edna?

Yeah.

Yes!

She's got M. I do not care who she is.

I don't give a damn either. I guess plus there's, there's a me hanging off of her and an arrow sticking out of her, so you can pretty much know where she is.

Yeah, yeah.

She's still invisible.

And then that one's going to be a 23.

She is invisible. So she is invisible. So you have disadvantage on your attacks.

Thank you.

So that was the 2 rolls. Yeah, sorry.

What was the—

you didn't get the natural 20.

So you don't get the crit because she's invisible. You have disadvantage on the attack.

So the 23 would have been the lowest?

The 23 was the lowest of the 2.

So you still hit her. You did not crit her.

Okay.

That was your first attack. You have a second attack at disadvantage.

Okay.

Thank you, James.

Sorry.

21.

Okay, roll again.

Roll again.

25.

Okay, so they both hit.

You both didn't get the crit.

Sorry.

Oh, but a raging barbarian hitting. Oh, oh yeah. Even without the damage down, it's gonna hurt.

I hear like the—

yeah, I hear like the hammer coming like, oh God, oh God, it's been a while.

Oh God.

Okay, it's not like—

especially with blindsight, I could, I could feel it coming.

Okay, first one is 6 plus 7, 13. Okay, unfortunately The next one's only a 9.

13 plus 9 is 21 damage total.

Is she dead yet?

No, she's going to be—

You guys damage so fast.

So many hit points.

I guarantee it.

She has like twice the hit points I have. That's not fair.

You guys are too hard.

Well, we didn't know she was a bad guy until 15 minutes ago.

I hope you juiced up this time.

No, I don't.

Who said that?

She did.

Well, that's why I went down so fast.

I hope you do some of this stuff.

31 points of damage immediately, just like the last poor bastard that you tried to hit.

No, I know, I know, it was just—

I'm genuinely just fucking with you, it's just genuinely funny.

No, as a DM, that was what I thought as a DM.

Okay.

I know.

Interesting.

I am bitter that we're the same class though and she has so many more hit points than me, that's all.

I suspect she's a higher level. And I suspect that you're right, that she was a secret agent the whole time. But we decided to trust strangers.

I didn't trust her for a second.

It was funnier to pretend she was your girlfriend.

Yeah, it's so funny now.

We didn't think it would be canonically a problem, okay? We thought it was hilarious, and now it sucks.

And unfortunately, I feel like there's also this certain bit about Yeah, no wonder she was super drunk. Oh God.

What do you got?

Is it Edna's turn? I'm hitting her with my necrotic damage. Damn, it hit her hard. You did—

I'm sorry, you did how much to her?

5 points of necrotic damage. 5 points of necrotic damage. Dead.

Go ahead, whatever it is.

Hmm.

Also, she leaves my range, I'm fucking stabbing her again.

Isn't a bullet in there something fucking cruel?

No, she's just a bee.

Is it?

Have you no love for your young? Young beau Edna Mae.

Except for repeatedly rejecting me publicly.

Like I said, hey, hey, hey, don't bring it up, don't bring it up.

But to think that I could be in the process of stabbing her in the back like I I've dealt with the jokes for so fucking long! I need Ol' Nuck and James to make dexterity saving throws.

Okay.

Fuckin' hell.

Okay. Okay.

That is a 21.

17.

Plus Evasion.

Okay, uh, Evasion does what when you save? Nothing?

Uh, when you're subjected to an effect that allows you to make a Dex saving throw to take only half damage, you instead take no damage if you succeed on the saving throw.

I also have advantage on a Dex save if I can see it. Can I see her attack?

No, she's invisible.

So it depends on how she attacks me, is all I was wondering.

You're surrounded by ejected—

Yeah, invisible creatures are bastards. That's why, because half the—

We learned that.

Oh yeah, I know, they're son of a bitch.

40 feet exactly behind you, a fireball explodes.

Huh.

You take no damage because you saved.

You take half of It's because there was an Ulnock in between me and the explosion.

Yes.

You take half of half, which full is a lot.

Shit.

Oh, you said 40 feet. That wasn't—

yeah, my bad.

I misunderstood.

Well, she rolled like dog shit.

Yeah, I'm like, I've had fireballs that do like 10 points of damage.

It's really interesting.

Rough.

4 points of damage.

Yeah, like I've had fireballs that do like fuck all.

Did you just say 4 points of damage?

Yeah, she rolled 17.

Oh, okay, so that's how much she takes total.

Okay.

So 16 halved to 8 and then halved again to 4, got it.

Wow. Yeah, no, I've had, I've had, I've had fireballs that ground me.

Oh, she also—

She uses everything she's got on the other attack.

She also gets a Con save versus my Poison nonsense.

OK.

Correction, Necrotic nonsense.

But anyway.

Who are you? You're Ulk.

Who are you?

So I have you at 49 now.

That is correct.

Uh, uh, 18+. She saves on the Necrotic.

Yeah, she moves Necrotic too far to miss ever again.

It's OK, it'll happen.

She drops Em.

Okay.

Yay! Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to let her live this.

Oh no, no, she's dying.

If she remembers the objective—

I know if she leaves my range, I'm stabbing her.

If she's close enough for me to throw my camera at her, y'all are back there.

They are a long goddamn way. They've got— oh yeah, fucking rounds of chugging.

Yeah, I can't catch up to you. But I can kill Evan.

Yes, but I killed that.

You get an attack of opportunity.

Yay!

Because I can still see her.

Unfortunately, you cannot.

Well, he's also further away. He wasn't—

Oh, that's right, you're not meleeing, right?

No, it was 40 feet.

For that reason as well.

I cannot.

That is a 19 on the dice. That's 25.

Oh no, it's 20 feet away.

She left.

That is 6 points of piercing damage.

How do you feel? Yeah, yeah, she had 5.

Good job.

Nice, your Hunter's Mark is free.

Yay, you can Hunter's Mark shit now.

Unfortunately, he's still too far away. No, he's not, right?

No, no, no, no, I'm on the dragon.

Oh, that's right, he's on the dragon.

I'm on the dragon.

I thought you fell.

Yeah, any closer, you'd be in the dragon.

You kept a hold.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to pull a page out of Olag's book. I'm going to grab a hold of her hair and I'm going to slash her across the throat with my Sword of Wounding.

Decapitation!

And now the rogue has raged.

Rogue has raged.

Em is okay.

Shaping up.

Do it again.

No.

All right.

She's okay.

Now we got a dragon.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, you got one kind of near you.

Hey, you got one right there!

There's one close.

Take your shot! The one right—

Roughly 40 feet behind me.

Might try and grab the kid considering what happened to Jacob, so keep an eye out.

Yeah.

Jacob stabs the fuck out of the dragon.

Yeah, go Jacob!

It's a good thing.

Let's see how it goes.

Go Jacob boy!

Who holds on, makes his con save, holds on to him.

What?

You son of a bitch! You do hear a—

you really fucking hear a—

You hear it?

You feel it?

Yeah, really quick. OK, that was Jacob's turn. He is not, not very fast. Briv's turn. Big one first.

Big one?

The big one, the green one.

I thought they were both big ones.

Green's beefier.

Oh, great.

Oh.

We get to deal with the Smolich.

Same thing it did to Mel.

Yeah, that sucks.

It can't claw because there's a boy in its claw.

Let him go! Let him go!

And it does not successfully grapple you.

Can you even see, Elliott?

It's daytime.

I mean, it's like evening.

Oh yeah.

And there's a fucking sun.

Under its belly.

It's bright.

Fair.

Now, Elliott's hanging out in one hell of a shadow.

I didn't know with this whole, like, dark vis, he's invisible.

And it flies another 8 feet.

Goddammit, slow down.

And Red is going to come back like, what the fuck are you doing?

We were trying to have a battle.

I didn't hear no bell.

He's that fucking red kaiju from Kaiju No.

8.

Oh yeah.

Oh, worthy opponent.

Where'd he go?

And he fucking misses you. That dice goes in the timeout bin. 2 ones back to back.

All right.

That one on Elliot, that one on Omaq.

I'm okay with that. Keep doing that.

I think you should keep using that. That is a good dice.

You are on a dragon and it kind of like moved its mouth near you.

Like a dog when it tries to catch your fingers.

Yeah, yeah.

Elliott would like to grab out of his pack his coil of rope and attempt to basically throw the end to get it wrapped around the dragon's neck.

You would lasso a dragon.

You would.

Yeah, I'm essentially attempting to lasso its neck.

Toss me a rope.

Elliott.

Rope's not light. It's hauling ass.

I'm going to say, because, you know, I'm going to big swing to swing it around.

Did it bash?

Yeah.

Grapple?

No, it wouldn't be.

Survival?

That's what you use to tie knots with.

That's also a good—

For lassoing?

You could call for an attack roll, not for damage, but just to succeed.

And he's definitely professional.

Yeah, no, this is—

This is an improvised weapon.

Well, it's not being used as a weapon. I'm not attempting to damage it.

But for the math of it.

I would call it a melee attack. Not for damage, just I'd call it a— I just— that gives me a +7, which is also how speed my acrobatics My almost 15.

There's one person here who's proficient in lassoing.

And I do have life experience of roping cattle.

Okay, I will allow this.

With advantage?

No.

Oh, okay, got it. Yeah, it was worth it. Hey, I learned that from—

I learned that from Casey.

Yeah, it is.

Otherwise the answer's always no.

17.

Uh, misses. Got an 18.

Damn.

Oh well.

So, you know, you don't lose the rope. You try and it just— yeah, you try to fucking do this on stream. It doesn't make it around.

Here's a question. Can I get it around, but it's like dangling in the air on the other side? Then I can try to, on the next turn, try to catch the end? Because that's a really high roll. It's just not Quite enough to completely succeed.

It's going to move?

But it's flying really fucking fast.

Yeah.

The inertia might make it wrap.

You know what?

It's on that side. It did not make it back to your hand. It is on that side. You've got it dangly over there.

I've got the wrap with the tag end.

Fucking flattering— not flattering, flittering.

Fluttering.

Fluttering.

Different vowel. There's a right vowel here.

Got it.

Between the L and the T that makes this word work. Fluttering, fluttering, fleetering, I don't know.

I do not— That was really an action. I wouldn't give a double attack for a melee attack action. I would just call that an action.

Yeah, that's your action.

Bonus action, try to catch the end as it's fluttering?

Okay.

No, that'd be too close to an acrobatic check.

All right, so at that point, I'm just using everything else I have to hang on to this. Saddle/dragon.

And you can move— you can bonus action move Hunter's Mark.

Oh yeah, and then I'm gonna totally bonus action and move Hunter's Mark.

There you go.

Uh, and then kind of as a free action, I'm gonna say, creature, I don't want your life, I just want the boy.

Are you moving Hunter's Mark onto the dragon or onto Jacob?

Uh, dragon. I've only got an hour. It won't be long enough because I don't have enough high enough spell slot to get the 8 hours on it anymore. more because I used them all to sneak out here.

Yes.

Which I didn't talk you into doing.

Oh no, no, no, I totally did it. No, I— so that was it, that was my turn.

I died a little bit inside when you said you were doing all that.

Okay.

Yeah.

That is a very logical thing to do.

It was a very logical thing.

Alright, uh, uh, Olnoch is in melee with the red dragon now. Yeah, okay, cool.

You get a sneak attack.

Yay, I get sneak attack out.

I'm going to—

how far is this?

5 feet-ish. Uh, fucking 15 feet-ish.

Yeah, about—

cuz you were 20 from Edna, you were 5-ish from Edna, so it's 15 feet from you.

Yeah, run in, stabby, run away.

Yeah, I guess I'll just do that. I'm going to move up, stab the dragon, and then I'm going to stab him with a sword, and I get sneak attack this time, so I'm going to hit him. Got to do it as a song or else it's going to fucking That's probably still going to miss with a fucking 12.

Yeah.

And then just engage him right away.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Oh no!

50 feet! Ah! 50 feet!

50 feet! Oh god!

Well, I'm going to fly 50 feet closer to the flying away dragon. Now I know it's far away.

Yes.

How far away is its tail from me?

It is 5 feet closer to you than the rest of it.

Oh, this is just a little dragon. Okay. It's a baby, it's dead. Um, I, at this point—

She flaps her wings to shine.

Which is like so much fucking math, it's a long goddamn ways away from you.

Is it more than, uh, 320 feet?

No, I don't think it's hit that threshold yet.

360 plus 80.

Yeah. Okay.

So that's 240.

So Mel's going to get out the shortbow that she got from James, because that's all she's got.

Right.

And it's at disadvantage at that range.

It is at disadvantage at that range, but that's all she's got.

Oh yeah.

And she's on a broom.

Which, if there was ever anything to ride and shoot an arrow on, it's a broom, because it's just going fucking—

It's true. This would be easier than a horse.

Very steady.

It would be easier than that.

Wow, one of those was a nat 20.

Aww.

The other one is an 11 plus some stealth. Uh, 11, 4, that's 15. Nope, 16, 17? 17.

Oh, close. Damn!

Oh yeah, it's 18. Stacy's 18.

Okay.

That would've hit the red dragon.

That's all I got.

Of course.

Fuck.

Goddamn it. Only inside base camp.

Emery, you are back on the ground again.

Okay, I stand up.

You are standing though.

Yep.

Yep. And I move 15 feet, so it is— sorry, 65 away from me.

You move another 30.

I am going to move my 30.

Which puts it 35.

Yes. And I'm going to do my teleport.

So it's like 40 up, but 15 lateral.

But what about its feet?

And I'm going to Lightning Bolt its ass again.

Right in the bee hole.

Dex save, please.

Dex save.

Aiming for the back end still.

It's making a Dex save with a guy straddling it.

On top of it.

I need a Dex save from you to hold on. Not going to make you take lightning damage, but to see if you could stay on a thing that's doing a Dex save in the fucking air.

Sorry, Elliot.

Because I'm in the saddle-ish, can I get advantage?

I mean, it would technically be designed for it to maneuver.

I just—

He's in it strapped up.

Yeah. Yes. Okay.

What rules, lawyer?

Hey, I'm going for everything I can.

And what?

It failed?

Yeah.

Okay.

You rolled another nat 1.

Yeah!

No, 6.

15.

Sure.

Which is good, I had the advantage.

15 is what I said. You said to land on it, so sure.

I took a big heavy hit, so I would have fallen off.

36 lightning damage.

Okay.

Ouch.

It's a new dragon.

Um, Spyro?

What is that?

I had to go with it.

Oh no!

Cool, alright, roll.

My kingdom for Dimension Door.

Get me up there, friend.

57.

That's a—

that's a unicorn.

For the next minute, any flammable object you touch that isn't being worn or carried by another creature bursts That's funny because so one of the things of Lightning Bolt, the lightning ignites flammable objects in the area that aren't being worn or carried.

Oh, see, that's very fitting.

It's really thematic. So Emery lines up this Lightning Bolt and absolutely fucking electrocutes its ass. It tries to kind of dip out of the way, but it isn't able to maneuver enough to matter. And like all of the grass just kind of like there's a burst of flame around her.

Emre's turning into the Ghost Rider.

Fucking livid. Alnok, red dragon up in your grill.

Yep.

Enemy behind you.

It's going to get a fucking hammer to the face twice.

Nice.

I'm still raging.

That makes sense.

It's okay, Alnok, I got your back.

28.

To hit? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh fuck. Can I roll again because it didn't hit the thing?

I think. Yeah.

And the dragon is definitely visible.

Crit.

Cool.

Nice.

You don't have disadvantage because you can see this one. Yeah.

It helps.

Fucking invisible dragon.

So the first one, you want me to roll?

Just normal. Yep.

It's a d8.

10.

Hit.

And then this is 2d8, right?

Yep.

Yep.

Plus your whatevers, but the plus doesn't double.

Yeah.

This doubles that.

Right.

So 8, 13 doubles?

No, no, no, no, no.

That roll is your roll.

13 is that total. So 13 plus 7.

20.

20.

Dragon's not looking great.

Woo!

Uh, we gotta kill this dragon so we can go kill the other dragon.

I fucking really want to get over there.

Anything else?

I need to make sure everybody— this one's okay.

Um, yeah, that's the important one.

Um, I disagree. I don't know this.

You're not there.

You're not— you're not her parents.

Um, you can offhand.

Yeah, you're paddling through the air right now.

Oh, can I hit again? Okay, that's all right. That's a bonus action. Yeah, I'm gonna unarmed strike it after my hammer comes. That shit—

oh, can I?

Am I close enough?

Yes, it's in melee with you.

Okay, sorry, I thought it was Still okay. I thought I threw my hammer. Never mind.

It's fine.

It's okay. It just didn't do a good job at melee.

Not gonna do it. Okay, that was a 12.

That's what I rolled.

I tried, and that's what matters.

That was with the +10, so I went, fuck, I'm really bad at this now.

Jacob tries, does not succeed.

Maybe we use these for moving through a Use his itty-bitty little strength to break the trap.

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna be worth his time.

You never know, he could roll on that one. Him, not Jay. Him being the dragon.

I figured it out eventually. We got there the hardest way possible, but we got there. I always get worried when you're thinking that hard.

I have to think about how this animal would handle this situation.

That's the hard part.

Yeah.

This guy is going to invert. I need a Dex save from you to hold on. Or Strength.

Dex, please.

Yeah.

I would be a Strength.

16.

Yep, I will say I've been saying 15, so I'll say that passes. That's just part of its movement.

Do a barrel roll!

Inverting slows him down, right?

It doesn't.

It should.

He thinks he's gaining altitude when in reality he's losing it.

I'm just saying the effort he's trying to do to his little body should decrease the amount of Really smart.

Fuck!

That is a really smart move.

Why do we? We did it again. We did it the first time.

I guess the question is: Can a dragon fly in forward? Low enough to drag your ass into the ground, like the way it's having to flap to generate lift.

But that's its wings would slam into the ground before your head hit the ground.

But I don't know. That's this is gonna be a damn problem.

Downward force on that.

Those wings that drives it up, up and forward, whereas it doesn't flap down upward the same way.

Let me show that.

Well, I was gonna say the other argument I've heard is that if it was able to fly, I don't. I'm not the reason you think.

I don't think theoretically this would create lift in that way.

Yeah, it's not a wing-shaped thing like one of those.

It's a flap.

Yeah.

So these are effectively sails stretched across a skeleton.

And it takes its effort because it's been speeding up and slowing down, speeding up. It takes all of its effort to drive that forward and upward motion.

Especially once getting zapped in the back, in the ass.

In the b-hole.

I was going to say back and ass at the same time, so it came out as bass.

At least it wasn't an Ack.

It is going to full barrel. So it's back linear or whatever.

Right side up.

That's great.

Yep.

It's doing the flying thing the way it's meant to. It will not dash. It will instead, again, try to melee you, grapple you with its face.

It's not happy that you held off.

Grapple you with its face.

That fell off the table.

Got it.

Unfortunately, that is a fucking math 21 to hit. It grapples you, it does a mel, it drops you.

That sucks.

Can I make a dex save to attempt to grab the rope that's falling?

You are holding the rope, the other end was fluttering.

Right. And then he grabs me. It kind of depends. He did a barrel roll, it could have— depends which way Trist moved into or away from the rope.

That'd be real funny if he missed.

I would argue that that would be a luck roll for it to successfully interact.

Like you fucking Jack Sparrow your way back to the saddle, right?

I mean, it's just, it's all I got without a problem.

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I rolled a 5.

Okay. I don't think so.

Good argument, but you are yeeted at the ground.

Aight.

For 3d6 of damage because the first 10 are free.

Yep.

1, 2...

8 total.

Aight.

About as good as that could have gone.

Add to 4 just because, oh wait, it's cool.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. The fucking people at this table can.

I mean, I guess fucking so.

I was about to say, like, what bullshit is he—

what?

Sure.

Boots, boots, magic boots.

You can do fucking all sorts of cool shit.

I don't know, man.

48, or you do the adding up.

I'm down 8, which leaves me at 40.

That's Green's turn. Moves another 80, but the 80 forwards movement is in the background. Red Dragon's got an annoyance in its face.

Mm-hmm.

It's going to continue to be there. I'm in between me and Em now. With the immediate threat gone.

Hey, its breath weapon finally recharges.

Ah, fuck.

Out of all of you.

I can't just be like a fucking meat shield from flame and it just like go around?

Now the good thing is, is it is between you and your daughter.

Okay.

It's a 15-foot cone. You had to move 15 up and 15 back. You both need to make Dex saves.

Yeah, I was doing the math like, ah, yeah.

21.

Yeah, yes. On a Dex save?

Damn.

Yeah, 19 plus 2. Fuck yeah, dude. This dice is— I'm loving this right now.

17.

I'm going to have to use another—

Both of you, you have Evasion, but I assume you're spending it. You take nothing.

I was going to say, so you cursed yourself?

24 halved because you succeeded to 12, halved because you're angry to 6.

Okay.

Dude, that raging is helping immensely.

Oh, raging.

Once again, I'm like huddled in the back.

I have you at 43.

Let me make sure that is correct. It is.

OK. Back to the top. Elliott, you are now firmly on the firm. Terra firm.

Terra firm.

Terra firm.

Wow.

Bye, Jim.

Bye, everyone.

My plan that I had, which I have to share even though I can't do it. My plan was to get the rope around him and then cast Rope Trick on the rope.

Ha!

Wild. Because then it goes straight up into the air.

That would have been—

fuck, that would have been cool.

I'm sorry. That's what I was trying for.

Anyway.

Come on, give it to me, come on! The horse would have like, like essentially defeated the monster.

So can we cut and respray the horse?

Oh yeah, check the audience.

Unfortunately, we're not one of those podcasts.

Yeah, man.

Okay.

Dungeons and Daddies, that's what we do.

Alright. Unrelated, are we still going?

Well, Elliott's only got one thing left. He did get his hunter's mark in He is going to leap to his feet.

Yep.

He's half his movement.

Yep.

And he's going to give him everything he's got.

Beautiful.

Nope.

Maybe?

Nope. Not a one.

Those were not good rolls.

Son of a— Damage was good, but not one of those landed.

Whatever the arrows did hit is gone.

Fucking dusted. Fucking annihilate a cow.

I'm just— I'm—

I—

it knocked the wind out of me, so I'm doing the suck wind. So it's just completely got my form. Which dragon am I supposed to be aiming at here?

And you're scared.

Oh God, I'm terrified. And I spent— yeah, so 2 shots sail, both of them miss, but it's a flying dragon high in the air.

That's—

it was a hard shot. Oh, for sure.

Jaime, you should be crispy, but you're not because you're Ooh.

Yep.

Magic!

Now your eyelashes are fucked.

Yeah.

That's 2 times that you've just eaten a fire blast for fucking nothing, Rose.

That's because I fit perfectly in the small of Olmagh's back.

You're doing that old fucking Nickelodeon fucking game show where you gotta get the right player.

Oh yeah!

Except it's fire instead of a wall.

I was gonna say, the thing is, is that as a cook, his eyebrows weren't in great shape anyway.

Yeah, I mean, that's the depressing part. They were finally growing back.

Damn it, I want my eyebrows back, you son of a bitch! More important things, more important things. I'm gonna stab the dragon with the sword.

Makes sense.

Yeah.

Does he get sneak attack?

That is 17 plus 6.

Yeah, that beats its AC by 6.

That's good.

Anyway, it takes fucking 6 points of What about your Sneak Attack? Oh yeah, I forgot I finally get Sneak Attack today.

You do.

That's the second time.

No, this is the first time.

He didn't hit the last time.

Yeah, this is your second opportunity.

That's fair.

Yes.

That's 8, that's 6, 14.

Yep.

Plus the, uh, 6. So twenty points of piercing damage. Take this, you fuck.

Just grab it.

That's what happens. He says, "Take this, you fucking stab." Yeah, pretty much.

I like I come out of the shadow of the great Olnak, and I just take the sword.

Just hiya!

Yeah, like the dragon's about to rear its its head to like bite it. and I just bring the sword down through its snout.

It's like, fuck off!

Beautiful.

I feel like we're all getting a little unhinged at this point in the fight.

And I feel confident that you start sprinting towards the fight you can't catch up to.

Oh yeah, yeah. 30 feet of movement, motorcycle.

Sure.

I'm coming!

Okay.

Oh, look, you get to fly!

Can you dash on the ground?

You're good. Yeah.

No, I didn't think so.

It takes an action to move, that's the thing.

It's not that specific, it just simply says it has a flying speed of 50 feet.

No.

I move 50 feet closer to the dragon.

Okay.

And if I'm less than 320 feet, I'll try to hit it again.

You're still within range-ish.

You're at 140 now. I've been doing the math in my head, which is why I asked about the movement speed of the broom.

I think every turn I can move at least—

God, that's another nat 20 with disadvantage.

Ow!

Damn it. That's 2 on the same dice too.

Oh, wow.

Would you like to borrow some dice?

I don't fucking know. I need to not have disadvantage all the time. That's a 12.

No. You have a double inspiration.

You get multiple attacks still, right?

Oh, I do, don't I?

Yeah.

Yes.

If you've got multiple attacks, you can use them.

Also, you have inspiration for remembering Sagiganasha's name.

I do? Yeah.

Sagiganasha.

OK, I'm going to take my inspiration to roll my disadvantage.

Let's see.

You're so right.

Shit.

Anyway.

Oh yeah, you can use it for the—

17?

Hits! Oh no, sorry. Green dragon is 18. That was red dragon. I apologize. That was an accidental dick move.

Aww. That does not hit.

I was close to chucking a dice at you.

Wrong dragon. I am sorry.

That misses.

There goes my inspiration.

There goes my inspiration.

That's all the things.

Emery.

I was contemplating if she's capable of sprinting through the air.

I am currently 85 feet from its lateral horns.

Wait, it's called Ziggurat?

I'm running forward my 30, teleporting my 20.

OK, so you're 35 again.

Correct.

OK.

Yes, that's math. And then I'm going to Scorching Right at it.

Okay.

I've just been running my 50 every time.

And it moves 80 every time. It should be gaining on you.

It is, it is, it is. I got within 5 feet of it last time.

Okay, I had you at 35 last time.

No, no, I was—

Then you teleported or whatever.

Yes.

Okay.

Or it was, yeah, yeah, no, it was.

The whole 20-foot teleport thing is helping out so much.

I'm doing, I'm doing Scorching Ray on it.

OK.

Sorry.

That's all right.

I said that and then it was a thing. My lowest was a 17.

17 misses.

That one misses. The next one was a 25.

Hits.

The third one was a nat 20.

Beautiful. Double the damage dice on that one.

Yep.

Let me look at the damage dice real quick.

Full beans, give that, give that green bastard everything.

Full beans.

Cool beans. Cool beans.

So the 25 to hit is 11 fire damage.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Good, right dragon?

I'm like, it's a green dragon. It is not a mute.

I had a moment of like, oh no, I don't want you to win this game.

So I'm trying to fucking catch up so I can start hitting fireballs. Firebolts.

Fireballs.

It does 15 fire damage on it.

Okay, it looks fucking terrible.

And now it's moving slower.

Unfortunately not a mechanic in this game.

Unfortunately, no.

I mean, it really would make sense, but if it's not a mechanic—

You know what would be really crazy? If Jacob killed it with his sun sword.

That would actually be awesome.

Wait, Jacob's up there just hacking it back and forth.

Like, that would be pretty cool.

I had fucking anything else I could dump into But I do not. So unless someone feels like using their inspiration to let me reroll that third 20.

Do it.

Oh yeah, hold on, I got one.

Use mine.

And he's like a million miles away.

I'm not going to make it.

I'm useless.

You are.

I'm way too far away. The only person I can reach is Abby.

A 19 to hit.

Don't roll.

Yay!

So Emery has been like, she has been chasing this dragon down since the fucking beginning of the fight.

Goddammit, stay still, you bitch!

Yeah.

I have spent more spell slots than I technically have on teleports and all this other nonsense, and Emery is just running desperately with everything she's got, and like, she's still like glitching and like flashing, and now as she's running through the grass too, it's catching on fire behind her. So she's leaving this streak of fire and then a gap and then more fire. And she just kind of pulls on the energy of this fire and just launches it at this dragon that's now like— she's been barely somehow keeping up with this damn thing.

Get me back my chip!

I think like that first one, it hits it like square in the side and it kind of like whirls and Looks more like in her direction. The second one, the nat 20, just straight down the barrel, like lights it up on the head. And the third one just follows that same flame straight down the head and hits something vital. And it starts to fall.

It starts to gently descend upon the ground so it doesn't murder Jacob.

Jacob is going to make a Dexterity save.

Go, Monk Jacob!

How did it turn when you hit it? Oh yeah, did it like burn? You hear the description?

Yeah, it turned toward me.

It looked at you. That's how you shot it in the face.

Mhm.

Oh, so it just turned its neck.

Jacob rolled a 4.

Does anyone else have an inspiration?

No, you've used all the inspiration I've I mean, I'm flying as fast as the broom can go.

For a total of 8.

For hopes of— at this point, I'd like to try to catch Jacob, but I don't know if I can keep— I don't know if I— I'm pretty sure I can't catch him.

How high is he?

40 feet. That's the least concerning part.

Could I hypothetically burn ki points To make the broom go faster?

No.

I was hoping we could argue that it turned sideways.

Yeah, I'm just figuring that part out.

What if we argue that Jacob threw himself away from the dragon?

He tried.

His dex save was to try to get away. Get away. Unfortunately, it didn't.

It's not ring wars yet.

No, it's definitely not.

It's still He just didn't let go. He's still very dragon.

So he's going to be nice and cushioned in its claws.

I'm figuring out how I want to decide how it turned. If it turned.

If it rotates.

If rotates, better. If no rotate, not good.

Worse.

Yeah. Because he has— he's a combatant. This is bad.

So you're coming up at an angle.

Yeah.

You blast it in the side. It turns to look at you. You blast it in the face. And then that last final Vital is through the wing.

OK.

One side loses lift. And as it plummets, I rolled a 16 on my d20. It barrel rolls off to the side. 20 would've let it catch the weight. He's only taking 3d6 of damage from the fall damage. He's 40 feet up, 10 for free, 3d6 of damage. Jacob has 18 health.

All right, so you're going to roll a 1?

3 6s can kill him.

Yeah.

But knock him unconscious.

Yeah, I was going to say 3 6s can have him making Death saves.

I'm going, I'm going.

You can stabilize it.

Yeah. I did not explode.

Oh yeah, yeah, check that.

Yeah, that'd be so funny, right? Like celebrating.

Am I safe in assuming you're just fucking sprinting? Or are you checking on your kid?

I'm going to Em.

Okay, what are you doing?

Because she's closest to me. I had no hope of reaching Jacob. I knew it. I'm checking on Em.

She is laying on the ground again, conscious. She's okay.

Terrifying.

Holy shit, Dad. Is Mom okay?

She didn't look good.

No.

Can you move?

I am okay. They did not hurt me. They just grabbed us.

We got to get back with the group and then we'll go check on everybody else.

Jacob is... Theater of the Mind presents Retribution as Amanda Arston as Mel Kelly, Jeremy Arston as Elliot Brandybane, Michael Burnell as Olnoch Varger Johnson, Michael Downs as James O'Brien, Casey Weingarten as Emery Lee, and myself, Mike Schach, as your Dungeon Master. We release episodes every 2 weeks, so our next episode will drop on August 17th. I do appreciate your patience with this episode. Your dungeon master/editor got a new job and my editing schedule got all messed up. But as always, we have a promo code for both Pinecast, who we use to host our podcast, and Epidemic Sounds, where we get most of our music. The songs we used today in order are Temple Dawn, by Stefan Ekström, Ignition Protocol by Diane Shui, and Phantom Blackout by Rachel Sandby. The Theater of the Mind intro and outro were written by Mike Schoch. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of our collective imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or people living or Or dead is entirely coincidental.

Conscious. Hurt.

Yeah, I bet.

He took 10 damage.

Also, Ol' Nock, when you looked over at like the rest of the group, you saw James just booking shit.

Oh dude, it's as fast as you can go. The only reason we're not at a deadass sprint is because Em probably can't do that right now.

You survived the combat. That's where we're gonna end the episode.

Woohoo!

2 dragons, baby!

Oh boy.

That was a rough one.

I hate to interrupt, but we had a technical difficulty.

When it'll be technically difficult, I don't know.

I don't know.

I know that's the issue. It would have been a whole hell of a it would have been simpler if you did touch like.

Next time it breaks, please touch. Please have touched something.

It makes it a lot easier to undo.

We know why.

So I've heard a thing that, uh, It's Raining Men and Let the Bodies Hit the Floor are of the same event, just from 2 different perspectives.

That's fair.

I've heard that.

And honestly, I can see it.

Yeah, yeah, no, I can see that. That makes sense, really.

Olnoch's memory is more the It's Raining Men. He's stoked. Everyone else had the It's the— Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.

Yeah.

This is horrific!

Yeah, we're actually live.

Okay.

All right.

I don't know what went wrong, but we're live.

Go ahead and roll for Recap. I rolled a 5.